A letter to mom from Sydney....

Dear Mom,
I love you very much!! I know losing dad is so hard living without him. You know what, he will always be with you and in your heart <3. I know what happened was very unexpected. I know it was a hard Christmas for our whole family.

Love you

Love Sydney



Well said Sydney, well said...

God's Plan

The other night we were blessed to come together as a family and go visit Steve's 105 year old grandma. We sang Christmas carols to her for almost 45 minutes. I don't know who enjoys us visiting more, us, her or the other residents in the nursing home. But I have to be honest, so far this season it has been one of the most heart wrenching events for me. First let me explain something, when you sing with the Gouldsmith's you don't just sing the melody, you harmonize. When my nephews and brother in law started to harmonize their part it was then that I realized our choir was one short a choir member and that I missed hearing Steve's voice in that choir. The choir Steve sings in now, I am sure is grand, but I sure do miss his voice now. That was heart wrenching event number one.

Heart wrenching event number two came on our way home. We were all pretty quiet and teary eyed. Spencer with tears flowing like a river looked at me and said "God doesn't answer all our prayers". My heart broke, this was the first time he had questioned God's love for us. I let him talk and share his feelings. You see every night Spencers prays to keep our family safe, and well in his eyes God didn't answer his prayer. After we said prayers that night I went back to Spencer's comment about prayers not being answered and tried my best at exlaining to him my thoughts. I told him that in our minds we have a plan how our life should turn out, but God also has a plan and that we don't always understand God's plan. I was honest and told him that I didn't like God's plan for us one bit, but I also believe that things happen to us to test our faith and to help us grow in our faith. He did agree with me that we as a family have grown in faith, not just us but our extended family too. As I sit and think about this event, it makes me wonder if I am "normal". For so many people have told me that at some point I will become angry with God. I haven't hit that stage and it is hard for me to imagine, because through all of the confusing times, He is the one thing that remains constant. I know I have said this before, but I do not know where I would be without my faith.

Today is Christmas Eve and I sit and reflect on what Christmas Eve is all about. How blessed we are as a people...He came for us, He died for us so that we may have eternal life. Steve is now living that eternal life and I feel so blessed to know that I too one day will have that eternal life and be reunited with him and get to sing in the choir with him....even if all I can do is sing the melody.

May you all have a Merry Christmas and remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas.

I have learned...

There has been so much that I have learned through this horrible tragedy. So much about myself and so much about others.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible, yet can crumble in a moments notice.

I have learned that many people reach out and lend a helping hand, while other sit by because they don't know how to offer help. Neither being right or wrong, just things that I have noticed.

I have learned that many people don't know what to say, and so some times they say dumb things that they later wish they could take back.

I have learned that people are funny creatures...we are all so unique with the way that we respond to others. There have been many times that I have been humbled beyond words to the generosity of those around us and frustrated by others because of their lack of compassion for those with an aching heart.

I have learned to let go of the little things that used to bother me, and trust me there is plenty...as I feel like I could author a book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", but that has already been written..

I have learned that I have to follow my heart and do what is right for myself and for my children, even if that isn't "popular" with everyone.

I have learned that I must continue to live in faith, even when it is hard.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it most and to accept help when it is offered.

But the main thing I have learned is that this is not a process but a journey....a journey that will have many detours, bumps, and break downs, but with God's grace we will make it through.

Happy Birthday Day Spencer!!

In honor of Spencer's 12th birthday on 12-12 here are 12 things I LOVE about him....

1. The silly noises he makes with his mouth
2. His bright blue eyes
3. Him using his code of "5638 U"
4. How he adores Sam
5. His willingness to play with Sydney, even if it doesn't interest him
6. His great love for God and the quest to understand and grow in his faith
7. His practical jokes, knock knock jokes and just plain silliness
8. The fact that he always give 110% and wants to do his best at whatever he tackles
9. The way he squeezes my hand when tears suddenly spring to my eyes
10. His tender heart and how quickly he can forgive
11. How he loves to help others
12. How much he looks and reminds me of his dad...sigh....

Spencer as I read through this list it makes me cry for many reasons. One, because you are growing up so quick and I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday you were dressing up in your snow gear, but only you were a fireman and you were putting out fires in my kitchen. There are so many great memories that I have of you, and truly I am enjoying watching you grow and mature into a wonderful young man. Another reason it makes me cry is because so many things on the list remind me of who your dad was, I am blessed to have a little piece of him here on earth still by having you. Please know that even though your dad is no longer with us physically, that he will always be with us. You are an amazing young man and I want you to know that we have always been proud of you. I love you more than you will ever know. Happy Birthday Buddy!

The Dance

Many nights are spent reading various things on the Internet. I belong to many blogs, one being called the Widow's Voice. Never thought I would be reading a blog about being a widow, well not at age 40... Anyway, many touch my heart, some make me sad for the people who write them as they seem so bitter and so lost. Tonight, as I read the blog, it was as if I could have written it...with a few minor changes...so rather than trying to recreate the "wheel", I thought I would give you the link.. http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/12/pain-vs.html

May you have many dances in your life and may God bless you abundantly.

Thanksgiving....Really???

As we approach Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season, my heart aches. This is not how I had imagined life, and it hurts. I don't want to celebrate without Steve, yet I have to. This is the time of thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be thankful for there is still the raw pain of what isn't here. I will miss watching him help out in the kitchen at my parents house, before and after because he could never sit still. Their backyard won't be the same because he would always go out with the kids after the big meal and play soccer or football with them. And well, at his family's gathering, he was the cutter of the ham...and he would always sneak me a piece and leave just the right amount on the bone so Linda could make ham and beans for Mike later. His presence will be greatly missed at both gatherings, but his presence has been missed long before now....it's just with the "holiday" season it is magnified 1,00o + times.

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for...I have shelter, food, clothes, my kids, my family, and I was blessed to have a love for 16 years that many never experience in their lifetime. I not only had a husband, but a best friend and a soul mate. I am not thankful though that I have to continue on without him...

Packing up Memories

It's been a hard weekend and it's just now that I am fully feeling the effect from everything. What started out as a simple thought has truly rocked my world. We had a free weekend so I thought I would try and get some order to our basement. You have to understand that our basement was SCARY. The first part of July we had water in the basement after a big rain storm so everything quickly got shoved and moved...and well...it hadn't been dealt with until this weekend.

The first thing we had to do was put Steve's drums in their cases. Sounds simple, but it ripped my heart out...never again will I hear him play. My only hope is that one day Spencer will pull these out and bring back some sweet memories. Then the normal cleaning, tossing, hiding things in the trash from the kids, then I would run into some sweet memory when I least expected it. Pictures, notes to him, notes written by him...I just sat at stared at his handwriting...never again will I get a note from him...Fishing things he purchased to go fishing with a buddy in Canada...also secretly hoping to get his brother and dad there...a trip that never happened, running medals and his bib numbers..something he was so passionate about...but had to give up because of his knees. Notes written to him from Spencer and Sydney, notes from family members. It is all to hard, almost crushing at times. The final thing that I found...our notebooks from A Weekend to Remember conference and in them a "love" letter we had to write to each other. I want more love letters, I want more....and I can't have it.....so tonight my heart aches...

Frustration...

I have to start out saying that we have been truly blessed with all the love and support we have been given since Steve passed away. I could write pages upon pages about the out pouring of love that we have felt, and maybe one day I will do that. But today, I want to share with you a few that have not been so loving.

As I stated before in a much earlier post one of my biggest frustrations came with Sprint, the company in Steve worked for for many years. One of the incidences I did not write about is the following. A letter came addressed to Steve a week after his passing stating he needed to call a number as there had been some negotiations going on and that he was to receive some money dealing with his 4o1K he had with Sprint. So I spent 45 minutes on the phone with a very rude and uncaring woman. She would not tell me the amount, but gave me a list of things I needed to provide in order to get the money....death certificate, my mom's hair sample, blood, my right arm....ok so that is a little extreme, but I kid you not it was a list of 10 or more things...just what a widow wants to do right after the death of her husband. I questioned her on what would happen to the money if I did not send these things. She told me that a check would come to Steve for the amount...WHAT???? Why didn't you tell me this 5 minutes into the conversation so that we could be finished. Problem solved, check made out to him, deposit it and move on...I am in charge of his affairs. So yesterday I received that check in the mail. I was so shocked!!! Shocked because it was only for $1.34 and yes there is a decimal in there. So they wanted me to send a certified death certificate that cost me $13 for this money..Dumb, stupid people. I know there are rules and regulations, but come on...



So you see everyone needs a little grace in their life. You never know what someone may be going through. So maybe I should have given these people a little more grace, but, I guess you get what you give some times...

God bless us, everyone...

Tonight was a joyous, yet very sad night. This was the annual fundraiser for the Lee Ann Britain Infant Development Center where Sam goes to school. This the place where Steve and I found a safe haven for our beautiful daughter that didn't quite fit the mold as most children. This is where we found hope. Hope....something most people have when they hold their precious baby in their arms, but for us, 3 years ago, we were not quite sure where life would lead us and they gave us back the hope that we needed.

This is the same center that has fully embraced us since Steve's death. God led us to them, and for that I will be forever thankful.

The fundraiser is truly one of the most AMAZING fundraisers I have ever attended. Rows upon rows of silent auction items and then several live auction items. I was doing fine while browsing the silent auction items. I bid and won the precious platter that has Sam's handprint on it, along with her classmates, in a shape of a Christmas tree. Will try and post pictures later, as it is too cute! It was time for dinner and we wound our way to the table. All of us sat, all 9 of us, leaving an empty seat...and that is when it hit me. Steve's seat was empty... There were many speakers giving their testimonies and it was so touching. Steve would have loved to have stood up there and told everyone what IDC has meant to us. He was Sam's biggest cheerleader. He LOVED taking her to school and looked forward to her "special days" when he got to be in the classroom with her. Sam's teacher's fondest memory of Steve was watching him in the dress up area with the kids...pink boa and all. He truly was a big kid at heart.

They call this fundraiser "Tiny Tim" and truly in the words of Tiny Tim...God bless us, everyone..For even through the dark hours and days we are blessed. Blessed with the family and friends that have embraced us, blessed with the Lee Ann Britain Center, blessed with God's love. It is during these difficult times that we can choose run or choose to grow in our faith. I choose the latter.

Peace

In honor of Steve we dressed up at hippies this year. Steve was a hippie last year so we decided to carry on the tradition.

We had shirts made in order to commemorate the event.

Another big event today....Sydney received her bible from church! Yeah!

Here we go again....

For those of you who do not know, Spencer has Osteopenia...low bone density. About 4 weeks ago he was tripped and fractured his right wrist. I being "Mom of the Year" didn't take him in for a week as I truly thought it was a sprain. Then on Monday he fell at recess and you guessed it...broke the left wrist. So today, cast number one came off and right wrist went into a splint, and cast number two went onto the left wrist. I can only assume that in 4 weeks we will be a proud owner of a splint for the left wrist. This is break #9 for Spencer, but we hadn't had a break in 2 years...so I thought we were doing good....well we WERE. Oh well...

Sam goes tomorrow for her "check up" since starting her diet. I am saying a prayer that they will have some ways to "tweak" the diet so she will become seizure free. I am fine with the progress that she is making and I am remaining optimistic!

Sydney, well she is doing just great. She just finished her soccer season and I must say this by far has been her best season EVER!

Even through all of my trials and tribulations I see how truly blessed I am. Sure I have days where I am sad and I cry and I would rather stay in bed. There are days that my brain is still in a fog and I am confused about everything, but when it comes right down to it, I am blessed. I am blessed for so many reasons but one is that Steve picked me.....ME to be his wife and because of that I have 3 very beautiful blessings to carry on in Steve's honor. So yes my plate is full, but I AM BLESSED!

Why did this happen to me?

As I sit here I am sad...Sad because it is my first birthday without Steve, sad because I am turning 40...the age in which he died. I often "Google" quotes in hopes that one might make me feel better or at least make me think a little deeper. Tonight, I found one...it seems to fit perfectly.

"We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.”

There has been much sorrow in my life lately, that I do not deny, however, there has been great joy too.... There is a lesson in all of this, I am just not privy to this information at the rate I wish it would occur. All in God's time. So on my birthday eve, I truly want to stop and say "Why did this happen to me?" and be speaking about all the joyous things that are happening in my life.

A few joyous things in my life right now:

1. Three beautiful and amazing children-they are what keeps me going, and going and going. :)
2. Family..where would I be without all of your love and support and prayers
3. Friends..thank you for being there in those day to day trials and for helping pull me through
4. Church...simply AMAZING!
5. Starbuck's Peppermint Hot Chocolate YUM-O!
6. Birthday surprises
7. Sami singing Happy birthday to me..warms my heart
8. Sydney giving me a hug and a kiss when I need it most
9. Spencer saying "5683U" a code used between the two of us
10. Life---Eventually we learn the beauty of the mosaic of life....taking the pieces and creating a whole new picture with what we have in front of us. The resulting image will not be the same, but it can be perfect none the less.

God is good, and He will remain by my side and help me to see Why this happened to me...the sad and the joyous things. May God bless you and help you to pause and see the joyous things in your life.

He was Generous

Those simple words that mean so much. If you attend my church you understand what "he was generous" is all about. For those of you who don't/can't attend I would suggest listening to the sermon on line. It will take a few days for them to get it uploaded, but here is the link:

http://www.every1church.org/sermons/listen/

I thought it would be nice to read any thoughts you have about how Steve was generous in your life. This quote fits him perfectly!

Happy Birthday Sam!

It is hard to believe that it's been 5 years since I gave birth to Samantha. Born 10/9/05 at 9:05...and then wisked away to NICU. It has been a long, hard road with her, but one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Today is also one of the stupid "firsts"...the first birthday that was celebrated without Steve here with us...I know he will always be with us, but you know what I mean....

So in honor of her birthday...5 things I love about Sam...

1. Her laugh...be it the heart warming one, or her new "halloween" laugh

2. Her squeezes...AKA hugs

3. The attitude she has about life...happy go lucky...let's enjoy life

4. Her love for music...even if I have to sing a song 10,000 times..music makes her HAPPY!

5. Her ability to show me to be patient and wait...as things don't always come easy, but it is worth the wait.

Just an update about her diet. A little background for some...Samantha began having seizures almost 2 1/2 years ago. She has absence seizures where she is "checked out" for about 5-10 seconds at a time. The best we can figure when she was first diagnosed was she was having 100+ a day. Now that she has been on the ketogenic diet for 2 1/2 months on her worst days she has around 20 a day. We aren't seizure free, but wow has God done amazing things. She has more energy, is trying to talk more and is just LOVING life. Our goal is to be seizure free but we are still tweaking the diet to get her calories correct. Because she has more energy she is burning more calories than she used to, so we have to get those leveled off. She is actually enjoying the food and doesn't fight me anymore. We can actually sit at a restaurant and eat and she doesn't try and get the food we are eating. I truly believe in my heart that she realizes it is the food that is making her feel better. God is SO good.

Happy Birthday dear sweet Sam! Your dad and I love you more than you could ever imagine!

When it rains it pours....

and I think I am going to drown! This past week or so has been a downpour. Just when I think I am doing ok-------BAM the tears flow, I feel overwhelmed and I can't believe that this is truly my life.

I know that I truly did not appreciate everything that Steve did for us as a family and for me personally. This past week I hit the guilt stage in this whole stupid grieving process. I knew it would happen and I know it will happen again, but dang.... I am guilty as charged...didn't realize how much he truly did lighten my load until his load was added to mine.

It's those simple things that everyone takes for granted...helping make lunches, laundry, taking Sam to school, laundry, toilet issues, car issues, did I mention laundry, picking up, caring for the dogs, cleaning the litter box, taking out the trash, recycling, laundry, bathing Sam, dressing Sam, fixing Sam's meal, car issues, cleaning the gutters,cleaning out the refrig, emptying the dishwasher, bill paying, loading the dishwasher, putting gas in the car, helping with school/scout projects, more car issues, shuffling kids to and from practices....ok so you get the idea...this list could go on and on... What I feel most guilty about... that I didn't appreciate what he did do very often and would tell him what he wasn't doing and that I felt like I shouldered most of the responsibilities. Holy cow Batman, was I WRONG! I was so focused on the negative that I couldn't see the positive... I truly would go back and change things IF I had a second chance. You have a second chance... start a gratitude list/journal..you know what I am talking about...list 3-5 things that your spouse did/does to help lighten your load and when you focus on the positive your whole attitude will shift.

I am doing ok now...no longer a downpour but just a drizzle...but I know that there will be other downpours in our lives when we are least expecting it, but I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, wonderful friends and a church that will help us through this process. Thank you to each and everyone for your continued love and prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we slowly get through this.

Time...

I referenced this in my last post. I was going through my old email and found this sent to me by Steve in 2004. What a true blessing he was!


To realize:
The value of a sister or a brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.


To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.


To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.


To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.


To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.


To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to
A premature baby.


To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.


To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.


To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.


To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.


To realize
The value of one millisecond
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics


Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.


To realize the value of a true friend:
Lose one.




Oh how I miss him. Hug those who you love and let them know how truly special they are to you.

Like Father/Like Son

I truly have been on a roller coaster of emotions this weekend. It's been eight weeks since Steve passed, eight weeks...at times it seems like 8 months or 8 years and at times it feels like 8 minutes, 8 hours, or 8 days...not 8 weeks. I can remember reading an email about how the passing of time can mean such different things to people and now I am living just that. I worry about when I will stop counting the weeks and what that will mean.

Spencer was asked to play in a drumline during our church service this weekend. Oh how proud I was...he was so nervous, but truly he did an outstanding job. It was also heart wrenching because it made me realize that he and Steve never got to play together....something I know that Steve would have loved, as well as Spencer. I know that he was smiling down on Spencer today.

Love the hand motion in this one... caught in the act. Thanks to all who came out to support us.

The Foundation

I have often caught myself wondering why I am not a puddle on the floor. I mean I lost the love of my life and best friend 7 weeks ago. Sure I have hard times and times that bring me to my knees, but I am trudging forward one day at a time. I am surviving to the best of my ability. I wonder sometimes if I am grieving correctly because it not only affects my life but my children's life. I truly feel like I am under a microscope with everyone watching me.

It wasn't until today in church that it all became pretty clear to me. The sermon was wonderful, but truly after Jim read the scripture, I had a hard time focusing on what else he said...it was truly an "AHH HAAA" moment for me. Here is the scripture he read: Matthew 7:24-27

24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Jim simply said just because you have your faith does not mean that horrible things won't happen to you. We all will have bad things happen to us, but what gets you through is your faith. It hit me hard...I had a HUGE storm in my life and my "house" could have fallen with a great crash, but because Steve helped lay a foundation of faith for our family we are making it...to the best of our abilities.

Please understand I have not always had a relationship with Christ. I attended youth group growing up, but that was more or less for the fun activities they had planned. I didn't go to church regularly in high school and when I was in college sleeping in was a better choice. When Steve and I first met he was a man of faith. I started attending the church he grew up in, but as time passed God led us to find a church that was fitting for the two of us....and He led us to the Lee's Summit United Methodist Church. Steve helped me to become involved and encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone and to attend meetings and volunteer my time. What a blessing. Had he not helped me build my "home" on a rock I truly do not know where I would be today.

If you live in the area, I would love for you to visit our church, but truly this isn't about you coming to my church, it's about you finding a place that you feel God's spirit so you can begin to build your "house" on a rock. There will be storms in all of our lives and we must remain strong in our faith to endure those storms.

Waffles

Interesting title huh? Who would have ever thought that waffles could make a person cry? This morning Spencer was making himself breakfast and he pulled out of the freezer a bag of waffles. Now these weren't just your ordinary waffles you see...These were Steve's waffles. Steve LOVED and I mean LOVED waffles. I on the other hand am not a huge fan of waffles...not because I don't like the taste, but I cannot stand the smell of them cooking. It's not the waffles themselves cooking, but the oil on the waffle maker I can't stand. So why would waffles make me cry, I mean besides the obvious that Steve made them. It reminded me of all the little things he did to make me happy. You see, he would set up the waffle maker on the screened in porch in order to keep the smell out of the house. Those little things that he did, that I truly did not appreciate until it was too late. So today, take a moment and find something that someone does for you just because they love you and care and thank them...no matter how small that may be.

One more thing, waffles also reminds me of all the movies that Steve would quote, and boy he could quote many...see if you can guess what movie this comes from "And in the morning we will make waffles." Take time to appreciate life and all that it encompasses.

Once again

I have always been an on the go type of person, but since Steve's passing I truly find the most comforting place is at home. Truly if I am not at work or running the kids to their activites then I want to be at home, as there is just a sense of peace here. On Friday I dropped by the funeral home to pick up more thank you notes and also got to pick up Steve. It made it all so final. When Spencer and Sydney got home from school I asked if they wanted to see his ashes and Sydney said she did not. Spencer said he wanted to look at them on Father's Day. They truly amaze me with their thinking. Sydney at one point said she did not want to bury the ashes because if we ever moved we couldn't take him with us. Their perspective is truly amazing.

After Steve passed my sister Kim shared with us that she was expecting. I cannot tell you how happy this made my heart in all the sadness that we were facing at the time. However, early this morning Kim suffered a miscarriage and I am grieving yet another loss. It truly makes me think how much more can I take? The only comfort I can hold on to is that my dear sweet husband has embraced this baby in his arms and is going to take care of this precious soul that we never got to meet. Please keep my sister Kim and her husband Vance and son Gregory in your prayers as they cope with this loss. I love you Kim and wish I could take all your pain away.

It happens in a blink...

I am finding it difficult to believe that it has been 4 weeks since Steve's accident. At times it seems like it has been longer, yet at other times it seems just like yesterday. I feel like I have been dealing with the banks and life insurance for MONTHS...yet it has only been weeks. I feel blessed that I was married to such a smart financial man. Many people rely only on the life insurance that is provided to them through their employer. But Steve, wow.. I think we had not even been married a year when we set up additional life insurance, what a true blessing. It is something that you hope you will never need to use, but in my case, I am so glad he had the foresight to go ahead and take care of this for us and for our children. If you need a great Life Insurance guy let me know...ours has been WONDERFUL through all of this---he even makes house calls.

Another thing that he did about 7 years ago is to set up a Trust, where all our assets would go in case something happened to either one of us...this has kept us out of probate and has had many other benefits. I truly remember him trying to explain this to me, but I didn't get it...but "trusted" him so I signed the papers. What a gem I had!

I was telling my dad this morning that one of the most frustrating things for me at this point is the fact that I cannot remember anything or think straight. I am glad my cell phone has a calendar on it, as most days I am not even sure of the day of the week, much less the date. For any of you who know me...I am a details person, I don't miss much. But wow! This has thrown me for a loop. So be patient with me and give me some grace because truly I may not intentionally do something..just kindly remind me of things that I should or should not be doing. There are so many people that have asked "what can I do to help?" Truly, my brain is not functioning like that right now, I am not thinking of the future...just trying to get through the day. So please don't think I don't need your help, as I am living moment by moment...so if you think of something or see something that needs to be done..do it or ask me specific things, as I may not be thinking about that particular thing. For instance, I had a very nice friend and mom to one of Spencer's friends that emailed me and told me she picked up Spencer's band book...ummm didn't even realize he needed one...I am sure he told me, but it didn't get written down, so it didn't get remembered.(Thanks Andrea!) So if you tell me something and it's important...make sure I write it down or call and remind me a few times. Truly I am grateful for all the love and support I have had, it has been amazing. If you are ever in the neighborhood come by and chat and sit for awhile...as that brings much comfort to me.

One more update. I have had several people ask about Sam's diet...Yes I am still doing her diet. It is going good----not perfect, but good. With all the stress, I would be foolish to think we would be seizure free at this point. We need prayers for her not to be so stinkin stubborn and to eat her food. It's a control game with her and she likes to store her food in her mouth. If she doesn't eat the food, then there isn't enough fat in her body to help control the seizures...so truly we do need prayers for her. We have seen a reduction in seizures but they have not been eliminated yet. We go Thursday for a "check-up". I am hopeful that at the end of three months we will be seizure free. But one of the best benefits we have seen..... the night Steve passed she slept through the night and has ever since....some think it's the diet......me........I think it's because her daddy is with her at night. Thanks honey!

Happy Birthday Steve

Today started the year of firsts for us...First birthday to celebrate without my dear sweet husband. Steve was never big on celebrating his birthday, but always went along for the kids sake. We decided to celebrate Steve style. We stopped and bought balloons and the kids tied a note to theirs to send to Steve. Next stop...go kart riding...that is where we released the balloons. Steve loved and I mean LOVED to ride go karts. He was such a nice, caring and compassionate man---except on the go kart course and then it was all or nothing! Today riding was fun and sad all at the same time but yet healing to our soul. We then headed to go and see Toy Story 3...a movie we said we were going to take in before school started. Steve would have loved this movie with all the puns. Our evening finished off with Spencer's Boy Scout Court of Honor where he received 10 merit badges....ones that he had earned at camp this summer with Steve. It was a hard day for all but we have vowed that every August 23rd we will ride go karts and watch Toy Story 3...oh yeah and have a silly string fight.




















I love you Steve and always will. I hope you enjoyed your birthday...I know we enjoyed celebrating and remembering you. Hugs and kisses....

Bitter Sweet......

Today I receive a package in the mail from Midwest Transplant Network. At first I couldn't open it because of what I knew was inside of it....the list of what tissues and other things that were donated to others from Steve. The finality of it all brought tears to my eyes and it was so hard to breathe. I knew these papers were coming as I was the one that said yes to donating, as I know that Steve would have wanted that. I so could hear him saying "what good are they doing me?". But to see the list in black and white...I knew that would be difficult. I finally opened it and was amazed.....truly amazed at how many people he helped even after his death. They were able to recover grafts of bone and its associated connective tissue, heart valves, skin, pericardium and his corneas. They estimated that he helped over 50 people...what a true gift! I am hopeful that one day I may get to meet someone that was helped by this donation. Steve is living on in many of us...some more than others.

Hard Knock Lessons

I have spent the last several days sifting through bills, credit card information, bank statements and many more paperwork items trying to get a sense of what my monthly budget will look like. You see, I was spoiled with a capital S...Steve took care of everything when it came to finances. Ok so it was nice not to have to worry about keeping up with all of the bills and paying them on time, but truly I wish I would have sat down with him at some point to see how each bill was paid. I can't tell you how many calls I have made to see when the money will be drawn from the account.

So my advice to you whether you pay the bills or you depend on someone else to pay the bills, sit down and talk about it and create a list of when the bills are due, how they are paid (automatic bank draft, credit card, or the old fashion way), and any usernames and passwords you may use. This would have saved me much time and heartache. The only company that truly gave me any grief was Sprint, and how ironic is that because it is the company he used to work for some time ago. You see when they asked me for his childhood friend, I struck out. It wasn't that I couldn't name childhood friends, I just couldn't name the right childhood friend. Their solution...take a death certificate to the nearest store with photo id so they could help me. Just what every grieving widow wants to do with her time... But I must say the people at the Sprint store were fabulous...so much so I called the manager to tell him.

Never in a million years did I think I would be a widow at 39 and have to learn about finances the hard way. I had the best teacher of finances for 16 years and I didn't take advantage of that, and I regret that missed opportunity. God gives us all strengths and weaknesses and He wants us to learn from those around us, and I truly blew it on this one...there was so much to learn from Steve, but I let my pride get in the way. I didn't want to have to admit that I didn't understand much of what he was talking about when it came to finances. How stupid and crazy is that? As he truly was one of THE most patient people I have ever known. I vow to learn from those around me and ask questions when I don't understand because you never know when you are going to need that information. God truly wants us to learn from each other and share that knowledge with those around us. So what can I learn from you?

All alone...

So tonight is the first night that we will spend alone in our house since Steve's passing. While it is so quite, there is a calm in it all at the same time. I enjoyed having family around, but also knew that this all would need to take place in order for healing to begin for my family. Tonight we had a storm pass through and we heard the thunder before any rain began to fall. Spencer explained the thunder this way " it's my dad playing the drums". While it caught me off guard, it also brought some peace to me...now every time it thunders I will think of my dear, sweet husband playing the drums. He had quite the audience tonight....Spencer, Sami and Aunt Susie danced and played in the rain to his beautiful music...I took the pictures. (will add those once I find the cord..oops)

With the quiet time on my hands there are so many things that run through my head. One of them being how often times when we are married that we don't share the good things that our spouses do for us...we often complain what they did or didn't do...which often gives off the wrong perspective of the person that we truly love and admire. Why do we do that? Is it because if we say that our spouse put the kids to bed, made dinner, did the laundry or various other little tasks that it comes across as bragging? I know that Steve knew that I loved him with all my heart, but if there is one thing that I could go back and undo, it would be the times that I would complain about Steve when I was frustrated. I wish I would have bragged about him a little more often. You see I truly don't know of a more loving and devoted husband and father than Steve. He truly put us first above everything else and I didn't always see that and for that I am truly sorry. So do me a favor...when you are around me...brag, --brag about your spouse, appreciate all the little things that they do to try and make your life a little easier and brighter. If we stay focused on the positive think how much happier we all would be.

One day at a time.............

Today was a tough one. I truly believe that the shock and numbness is beginning to wear off and I am now truly grasping that my life has forever changed. Now don't get me wrong I knew a week ago that my dear sweet husband was not coming back, however, when you lose a person, you don't get time to grieve right then and there as there are so many things to take care of first. Now that the visitation and Celebration of Life service have been completed, I now have time to sit and think about what our life is truly going to be like. It so scares me to think that what we used to do together I will now have to do on my own. I have had a wonderful outpouring of love and generosity and I know that I will have support in certain areas, but truly there will be times when it is just me...and me alone that must deal with situations....just difficult as I was so used to having that built in support.

The visitation Friday night was simply amazing. You see I thought there would be around 200 or so there. My estimation was way off. They estimated that there were over 1,000 people that attended, and several that tried to wait but couldn't because of other obligations. What a true testament to the person he was. So many lives touched and changed forever.

The Celebration of Life service was wonderful, and it truly was a celebration of his life. The Praise team did an incredible job with the entire planning of the service, thank you to all of those who helped make it such a memorable service. There were many times that tears were shed during the service, but the hardest part was when the drums were left empty and the spotlight was on them during the last song. To think that I will not hear him play again is difficult. I was always the proud wife when he played during service. I truly believe that this service was Steve's one last shot to not only draw people to our church, but most importantly towards God. Steve walked the walk and lived his faith out until his last breath and he always wanted to share that with others.

Today during church, my heart ached as if there was a hole in it. This will be one of many times I am for sure. Things that just catch me off guard...for instance when we were coming home there was a dad taking a walk with his daughter and it brought tears to my eyes...something that is gone forever in my life. So many things that run through my head about the things that will never be....

Hold tight to those you love and make sure they know that you love them each and everyday.

I've never been more homesick than now...

Today has been a difficult day with many more ahead I know. My sister in law and I had to take Sam in to get her blood level check to see how her medicine is doing, and as I am checking in the receptionist said "the primary phone ends in 3830?", I tearfully said, "no, that was my husbands number and he was killed in a tragic accident Saturday". Her reply was, "Ok". Ok are you kidding me...I wanted to stand up and scream at her, "did you hear me, the love of my life and the father to my children DIED on Saturday, no it's not ok, it is far from ok. I was robbed of so many things." This truly made me stop and think about how many times I have not been compassionate for others and made me realize how so often we are focused on what is next and not focused on the here and now, as I have to believe this is what happened with the receptionist...she was focused on what other information she needed and didn't really HEAR what I said. So take time and really listen to others and truly hear what they are saying.

Next, we had to take everything up to the church for the visitation. I truly hadn't put much thought into how I might react... I should have. I walked in to see the most breathtaking portrait of my beautiful husband. I had to move the picture and set it up on the stage for a moment, but as I moved it, it was right at eye level, he was truly looking me in the eye-- I so wanted to kiss him. It is such a life like portrait of him. Teresa, I can't thank you enough for that gift...you are so talented! I then found myself wondering from table to table looking at all the photos that we have prepared to share Steve's life. It was at that moment that it hit me...there will be no more pictures to take, no more memories to make. Tears sprung to my eyes and my heart hurt. My poor beautiful babies loved their dad so much and now that chapter is through. I realize there will be new chapters, but truly I would have been ok if the dad and husband chapter was a little longer.

Now, I sit here with my wonderful family picking out music to play during the slide show. I keep saying I shouldn't have to be doing this, this is so unfair. However, I know there is a reason, yet I don't understand, so I must and will trust in the Lord to show me the why behind all of this. I know I will stumble and fall but I have the most incredible support system...one that I did not realize was as strong as it is until this all happened. It has been good to laugh, cry and reminisce with everyone about Steve, but truly I wish he were here. All those things that irritated me or that I didn't like to do, wow...what I would do to be able to hear him clap so loud that it hurt my ears,watch him play rough with the dogs, or to rub his feet. So even though people around you may frustrate you or irritate you let those go and focus on what is truly important and that is the love,---the love you have for each other.

Tomorrow and Saturday will probably be the most difficult days for my children and I, but I know with the strength of God that we will get through this difficult time. I know I have said it before, but please take heade, learn from my tragic loss to make your relationships more meaningful and passionate. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they mean more than you could ever know.

The photo above was the last picture taken of Steve with his family...I am so glad that God gave me the passion for taking pictures. How easily it could have been to just leave the camera at home, but now I have a picture to remember some of those last moments with him. Thank you God...it will be a precious memory for us for years to come.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

What change will you make? I hope it is one that will inspire others.

hard day....

I just so wish that I could find the reverse button and redo so much of my life. Today we met and planned Steve's service, while it was very difficult, it was very comforting to hear all the wonderful stories about him. Steve truly was an amazing man. He did more in his short 40 years than most do in a life time. I wanted to share with you how my pastor described what happened to Steve. Jim very gently said that many have the vision of Steve falling from the tree, but really that is not the end of the story, you see God was there catching him. How true that is. I hate the fact that we are having to celebrate Steve's life, as I would rather have him here with me, however, the service that has been planned will truly HONOR him and that brings so much peace and comfort to my heart. I truly do not know where I would be without my faith. Knowing I will see Steve again brings great comfort to me, I just wish I had a little more time here on earth with him. My hope that you will make this world a better place, be kinder than usual and love openly, reach out to someone you normally wouldn't...don't merely exist, but live.

Dear Steve,
I will truly start to live and continue the legacy that you have left for our children. I have been truly amazed by all the love and support from all the people that you have touch. What an amazing man you were. Thanks for picking me to travel on this journey of life...even it was shorter than anticipated. I could not have asked for a better partner in life! Thanks for all the memories.

Love you lot, lot, lot,

Meliss

Life is to short....

I am hoping that by writing it will ease some of the horrendous pain that I am feeling right now. On Saturday, I lost my best friend, soul mate and love of my life. It all seems like a very bad dream that I wish I could wake up from, but it's not...I am without my husband and my 3 beautiful, precious babies are without their father. He died doing what he has always done, and that is helping people. Steve always went the extra mile for anyone and everyone he came into contact with. He was merely trying to help a wonderful neighbor of ours cut down a tree limb that had fallen on our fence. I remember him saying to our neighbor "Nawww, don't hire anyone I have a chainsaw and we can knock this out in no time". So Steve-- didn't want to have people spend money where they didn't need to, especially if it was something he could do. What Steve did not anticipate that day is that the limb would crack before the saw got all the way through it, which it did and it swung the opposite way that it should have taking the life of a very special man to many. Our families have spent the last few days is disbelief, anger, grief and every other emotion in between.
Spencer, my sister in law Linda and I attended church yesterday because Spencer felt we needed to go to honor his father. It was such a difficult thing for us all to do, but so happy to be there to be surrounded by the love of our church family. You see, Steve was supposed to be drumming, and the drums sat empty in his honor. I am truly amazed at the love and support we have been given by all. The road ahead of us is going to be really long, but I know by God's love and grace and the support of those around me that we will be ok. Many bumps will be had along that road, but we will hold on tight to each other and the love we have for the Lord. I truly do not know where we would be without our faith. Steve helped me build that faith as a couple and as a parent, how blessed I am. Please pray for us, especially for my children, there is nothing worse than to see your own precious child be so heart broken and be able to do a thing about it.


Dear Steve,
I am so sorry that we only had 16 short years together. We were supposed to grow old together---so many dreams left undone. I know that you are watching over us and will guide and protect us. Please know that you are deeply missed. I can only hope and pray that you truly knew what a blessing you were to me. I am so sorry that I left so many things unspoken, undone. You truly were an amazing father, husband and best friend. I will miss you sweetie. I promise to do the best I can to take care of our three precious babies and will do things to honor you. Thank you for your love, you truly were a blessing.

Love you lots, lots, lots,

Meliss


If you can do anything for me, please learn from this horrible, horrible accident. Don't leave things unsaid, be open, honest and loving with each person you come in contact with. Life is so unexpected and you never know when something tragic will happen and you won't have those moments again.

We will be celebrating Steve on Friday, August 6th from 5-8 pm with a visitation and on Saturday at 11 am we will have a celebration service. Both of these will take place at Lee's Summit United Methodist Church. Thank you for all of your love, support and especially your prayers. May God continue to bless each and every one of your lives and truly take time to love, love the people you come in contact with and be a little more patient and kind with people because you never know what someone is going through, we all have a story. Much love to all....

Day 1 at home....

Thursday night was quite the eventful night...I went grocery shopping with my mom and sister. WOW! It took us about and hour and a half to buy food only for Samantha for 10 days....All the label reading and double checking the ingredients is exhausting. I will be keeping a list of brands that she can have so that I don't have to label read every time. Thanks Laura for spending your birthday night with me! What a fun birthday!

Sleep was a much needed thing in our house. I think everyone slept until a little after 8:00. I thought I would be nice and try and make something for Sam for breakfast that didn't include scrambled eggs...thought she was probably tired of that. So after 20-25 minutes of weighing everything I was finally ready to prepare her pancakes...that consist of egg whites with the egg yokes and sour cream folded into them. I was so excited that they turned out...too bad Sam didn't even want to touch them! I had forgotten to give her the medicine that helps calm her tummy down..oops...so many things to remember...She did eat the strawberries and drink her cream during her HUGE melt down... This almost brought me to tears as I was thinking..."I have to do this for 2 years???". It's going to be a long road! Lunch went great and so did dinner....she was a champ. We did have distractions to help the process go a little more smoothly...during lunch we took pictures of her so she would get another bite. Dinner time she got to watch a Dora movie on the laptop...Hey, I say pick your battles and right now sitting at a table to eat is NOT the most important thing.
Grandma went home. I was sad to see her go....just something about your mom being there to support you in new endeavours. However, she had been gone from home for a week, so I totally understand her wanting to get home. She was a great help with Spencer and Sydney.
We topped our day off with a trip to the Royals game. It went well, but felt like we were always on our guard to make sure she didn't grab something from someone sitting around us. The Royals even won in the bottom of the 9th and we got to watch fireworks. So a lesson we learned....should have packed her snack in a cooler so we could have fed it to her on the way home. Oh the lessons we will learn on this journey... Overall, I think the day was ok, still room for improvement, but know that things will get better with time.

WE ARE HOME!!!!

Yeah! We finally arrived home around 2:30. We have all napped and recharged ourselves so we can go grocery shopping for Sam's new diet. The menus have been made, the list has been made...only now if we could snap our fingers and the groceries could be bought and weighed... New life here we come!

Day 4 and counting...

We are still here, but just waiting to see the doctor. We have our fingers and toes crossed we will be able to go home. Blood draw this morning went ok, still not her favorite thing. Her blood sugar was low....42...way low. Once she ate it came back up. We are battling meals here but I think it is mostly because we aren't in a familiar setting.

Thought I would include a link about the diet as I have had many questions. One of the questions I have had is about weight gain. The diet calculates only a portion(80% typically) of her normal calorie intake so she is burning the calories she eats. Another question has been about her cholesterol, while it is possible for it to increase, monthly labs will be draw, and again because she isn't eating all the normal calorie intake she burns much of what is eaten.

Here is the link. http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/answerplace/medical/treatment/diet/

Day 3...SIGH.....

Had a 6:00a.m. wake up call this morning for blood, but so glad that it was taken out of the IV inserted yesterday, made things go a little smoother. Breakfast at 8:30, but before breakfast tried to give her one her seizure medicines in gel cap form...didn't go over so well..ok so it didn't go well at all. I got to hold throw up in my hands-YUM-not! So then we had to try and feed her breakfast, who wants to eat after you throw up?? Finally got it down her and then she was off to make crafts- a very cool hat and door hangar.

Lunch rolls around and well she wasn't very hungry because breakfast was later than normal so she didn't eat very much. However, she didn't have a problem eating her "ice cream" (cream with a little bit of diet root beer frozen in it). She was invited to a group music therapy..and she loved every minute of it...did I mention that the group consisted of her, and her alone? She has been napping so I am taking advantage of the quiet time. Grandma Marcia, Spencer, Sydney, and Aunt Laura are headed up to visit..oh how we love visitors! Will update later after we have dinner.
Dinner was a success! Yeah! Helped to have entertainment here for sure. After dinner Sam, Spencer and Sydney were invited down to "build a bear" workshop. Sam made a monkey...HUGE surprise...this is one of her favorite animals. The only disappointment tonight is that her IV didn't hold and they had to remove it, so that means another stick tomorrow to draw blood.(notice her arm in the top pick where they had to remove the IV-EWWWWWW) God is good...we truly are blessed!

Day 2..The Good, the bad and the ugly...

Ok so I can't blame Sam for having a bad day...I mean who would like to be woken up at 4:30 AM to have blood drawn, and to make matters worse...be stuck 3 times trying to find a vein that worked. Fixed her eggnog "shake" for breakfast, didn't settle very well and she ended up throwing up the first drink, the good side..HOUSEKEEPING! Took most of the day to get the rest of the drink down her. Since she was such a hard stick for blood and because she had an upset tummy and the were afraid of dehydration they called the vascular people to put in an IV...3 sticks later we have an IV...did I mention they used an ultra sound machine to find the vein? She looks like she has a broken arm because I made them wrap it up so she wouldn't pull it out...the best part..they can draw blood from there tomorrow! She inhaled her lunch..chicken dipped in mayo and strawberries, but more cream. This is becoming the issue...she wasn't much of a milk drinker before, so who would like to drink cream-whipping cream that is??? She got to go and paint using syringes..how fun is that. We also put together puzzles. One of the highlights of her day...a very dear friend from church that works here came and did music therapy with her. I think she could have done that for at least 3 hours. Thanks Kim! Another highlight, Aunt Laura, Grandma Marcia and Sydney came to visit. She had a blast playing hide and go seek in the room...yes in the hospital room, don't you know there are so many places to hide! I was just glad for the distraction...helped get her cream from dinner down. Sad Spencer wasn't here and was sad for me because he had his Championship baseball game...and I didn't get to go and cheer him on to victory! Very proud of him, he had an outstanding season! 1st place...has a nice ring to it! Way to go Spencer! Looking forward to tomorrow, if she keeps her breakfast down we should be released tomorrow afternoon...and breakfast is eggs, so we should be good to go. On a positive note, Sam went into ketosis quick. That means that she is now burning fats for energy and not carbs. Statistics show that kids who go into ketosis quickly tend to have a higher success rate for controlling seizures. YEAH! Steve and I had our "training" today, feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information, but know that things will work out great. Our pastor made it up today and prayed over Sam, what a blessing. Trust in the Lord with all your heart...and that I do...Thank you Lord for all the blessings in our lives!

Day 1....

We arrived at the hospital a little after 10:00 this morning. The first thing we had to do was have blood drawn-that was a joy! Why do some people not listen to the moms of small children??? I told her that she would need 2 people to draw her blood. I was told they were short staffed...guess what??? She had to push the emergency button to have someone come and help...GEE what a concept! Once we arrived in the room there was a parade of people..the resident neuro, the neuro's nurse, the dietian, the on call neuro and his flock of med students, the on call pastor, and the list goes on and on. Lunch time rolled around and what I thought was going to be a fasting day, turned out to be not a fasting day. Steve prepared her first ketogenic meal- an eggnog shake. Which is comprised of eggs, whipping cream, and pure vanilla-weighed and measured to a specific gram. So the test came, would she or would she not like this "drink". She sucked it down, every last drop and then asked for more. Grandma Marcia, Aunt Laura, Spencer and Sydney showed up to entertain for awhile-what a blessing. Next came pill time...you see we can no longer do her syrup medicine because of the sugar in it...Swallow a pill-are you kidding me? We poked it in some sugar free jello...pill one...gone, not a problem. Pill two..not such an easy task, she was on to me..she bit the pill, but still swallowed the jello. Dinner time rolled around, on the menu: hotdog, mayo to dip it in, broccoli with butter and cream to drink. Again...in a blink of an eye, gone. Bed time snack: another eggnog shake...it didn't go down as easy, I had to distract her and get sips in here and there, but alas it was gone! She is now sacked out. God is good, as I know that it is only by HIS grace that this day worked out as well as it did. Tomorrow we are told is the hardest day of our stay here because her body will make the switch to burning fats instead of carbs. She truly is an amazing little girl! God is so good....

Finally it's here...

Having a hard time sleeping, knowing that in a few short hours our lives are going to change dramatically. I am excited about all the possiblities, yet nervous about all the small, tiny details that this diet will have for our family. We had pasta today in honor of Sam, as this is one of her very favorite meals. It is hard knowing that we will have to deprive her of some of her favorites, but knowing that this could help stop the seizures makes the pain a little less. Had our pastor pray over Sam. As he said in her prayer, God is the almight physician...and this I truly believe. God is good and I know that He is with us and for us. Here's to a new beginning!

The day has been set....

July 26th we will check into Children's Mercy to begin the ketogenic diet with Sam. My mom is coming up to hang out with Spencer and Sydney- Yeah for mom! Not much other news, just reading and reading and reading to try and get some what of an understanding of what we are getting ready to encounter.

The latest.....

Well we have finished school, gone on vacation and now the latest... We had a visit with the neurologist two weeks ago. Sam has not responded well to her seizure medicine therefore he decided to increase the dose of one of them. Well....that didn't go over so well..upset her tummy, she threw up, I called the nurse, and now we are scheduled to start the ketogenic diet to try and control the seizures. This is like the Atkins diet however EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING must be weighed and fit in to a ratio of fats to carbs. We haven't "officially" started on the diet, but I have been label reading...who knew that there is 12g of carbs in a cup of 2% milk....YIKES! One thing I do know is that she will only be able to have 10g or less of carbs a day. So my nights have been reading and educating myself for what we are about to encounter. I have been blessed with articles given to me from my sister in law that is a nurse, my cousin Heather that said she will work with me to create meals following the guidelines I will be given. It all seems very daunting, but I know that this is something I must and will do for Sam.

It's a girl!!!!

Eight years ago today I gave birth to my first born daughter. I am in shock that it has been 8 years. Where does the time go? It's days like today that make me reflect on my life and realize how truly blessed I am. Sydney has always been my happy, go lucky, child. She brightens my day with her sweet hugs and kisses and has a heart of gold. She truly is the glue that holds us together a lot of the time. Her easy going spirit comes at a time when I think I am going to go crazy. I love to watch her with Sami, as she has the patience of Job with her. Sydney would tell you that she doesn't like her brother very much, but yet last week when he was sick, it was her getting him his pillow and blankets and bringing him things to do. She just has a natural giving spirit. So my sweet, sweet, Sydney happy birthday sweetheart and may you always know that my love for you overflows from my heart everyday. And to God, thank you for your blessing of such a wonderful child that you have entrusted us with, may we make You proud!

One very proud aunt....

Ok so I am very proud of all of my nieces and nephews, but today we got to spotlight one of my nephews. Austin is my nephew from Steve's side of the family and today he signed his letter if intent with the Air Force Academy. What a HUGE accomplishment for him. It was an emotional time for me as I know the hard work and dedication he has put in to get this far and can only imagine what life is going to be like for him in the future. He is a very hard working and dedicated young man that has a HUGE heart. Sydney was cute and said that we can go out and visit him in Colorado Springs and stay in Uncle Mike and Aunt Linda's hotel...ummm I think she meant condo. Congrats Austin! We love you very much!

To remove or not to remove, that is the question....

So today was the day that I thought we might get some answers on Sami's sleeping habits. And as always there is good news and bad news...the good news is that her tonsils and adenoids are fine and do not need to be removed. The bad news is we still aren't sure what is causing her poor sleeping habits. Therefore there are a few more hoops to go through to try and narrow it down. One of the steps...a repeat sleep study to see if she is waking when she is having seizures. Another is to visit a gastro doctor to see if she is having reflux. This one never entered my mind, however, it makes sense after talking with the doctor/nurse today. Samantha had/has hypotonia, which is low muscle tone, therefore, they are wondering if she could have low tone in her esophagus, which then would cause the reflux. So you ask what if the seizures aren't waking her and if she doesn't have reflux...well then my friends it means she has really bad sleeping habits and we will have to play hard ball with her and let her scream and kick things out on her own, until then, we will continue to invest in toothpicks to prop our eyelids open. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

And the winner is....

Ok so we aren't the winner, but I am very proud of Spencer. He took 2nd place in his age group with his pinewood derby car this weekend. He worked hard on it with his cousin Mark, Uncle Reg and dad....how thankful I am to have them! It was fun watching them race the 76 cars on Saturday. Grandma Marcia even got to be there when he got his award! Now he can go on to districts...make a few tweaks and hopefully he will have a winner. We will keep you posted!

Spencer's car is the second one from the right on the bottom row.

Hip, Hip Horray!!!

I am praising God today!!! Spencer's bone scan came back great! His density slightly improved so that means no medicine! He was most thrilled that he didn't have to have blood drawn...takes after his dad in that department. It's funny how your head starts to spin when you enter the doctors office and you get what I call "tunnel hearing". It didn't dawn on me until we were driving home that I should have asked REALLY what is slightly improved?? I mean at that point all I heard was improved and I didn't really care how much! So I won't be that pesky parent and call tomorrow, I will wait until I call to get the other results from the tests they had to send off. I must say that also visiting Children's Mercy Hospital and seeing so many different children, really puts things into perspective---we are richly blessed.

I am also so excited because tonight Sam and I sat down and played for about 20-30 minutes with her LeapFrog refrig stuff. I know big deal right? She has never been one to stay at a task very long. It was great! I hope my mom understands why my house isn't spic and span, I was living in the moment and thought to myself, this is what life really is all about...not a clean house.(I know my mom won't care....she will just be glad to see us) Sam also pointed at the letter "M" and said "mmmmm". We got the results back from her blood work and her seizure medicine was not working, so they put her on a second medicine. I hate that she has to take 2 right now, but am hopeful it will be what is best in the long run. It is hard not to get excited about all the great things we are seeing from her. Is it the Omega 3 or is it the new seizure medicine?? I am not sure, but won't question what God has done for her. I go to bed tonight with a very happy heart!

Doctors, Doctors, and more Doctors

So I call this our Children's Mercy month because both Spencer and Sami have their check ups on their aliments. Steve and I braved the cold and snow on Thursday to embark on our first visit this month. Never did it dawn on either of us that the doctor would not be able to make it in to the hospital. But this truly was a God send for us. You see the doctor that we originally were going to see, there really wasn't a huge connection there. I often left the appointments thinking "why did I even bring Sami??" You see he just looked at the charts and told me his plan of action. Because he couldn't make it in on Thursday, we saw a new doctor. He took the time to interact with Sami and do some simple little tests. He answered some questions that we had contacted the nurse of the 1st doctor NUMEROUS times. So what I thought was going to be a waste of our money because he didn't know the history truly was God intervening. So currently we are waiting on blood levels to come back to see if we will increase the seizure medicine or if we will need to change. Oh one more thing that I liked about this doctor...he wasn't against natural ways to help with the seizures..he said you do what works. We have Sam on a reduced gluten diet and on Omega 3 and have seen some improvement with the seizures and her development. Hard to know the variable that is making the difference but I am not willing to give up either one right now.
Spencer goes in for his bone scan on January 20th. I am hoping that he has maintained the density so he does not have to go back on medicine. Any prayers would be much appreciated!

Oh how I love a snow day....

Ok so EVERY other major school district was out today...but not us. We braved the cold weather and snow packed roads and trudged our way to school. Welcome to 2010! I arrived home and got all snuggly under a blanket on the couch and flipped on the news only to see that our district has already cancelled school for tomorrow. Now mind you, there is not a single flake falling and the temperature will actually be a bit warmer tomorrow. ????? So we are "supposed" to get hit with 3-6 inches around noon, so I guess they are taking a precaution. Ok, I'll take it, one day with kids and one day off...I like the pattern. I am thinking if we do get as much snow as they are calling for we will be off the rest of the week as Friday it is supposed to be negative 10! BRRRRR!

Success!!!!

Sami pooped on the potty today! We are having a very successful day! If only it would last.....

Oops..I forgot to include the four legged ones

Sydney and I realized that we forgot to include the furry friends that we have at our house. Snuggles is our 22 pound black cat. She is almost 6 years old.


Maddie and Zoey joined our family this summer after much begging to Steve. He finally gave in. They are the best of friends and are lost without each other.