He missed it.....

On Friday Spencer turned 16.... a day I was dreading and looking forward to all at the same time.  As with most parents, dread for the worry that will now accompany him every time he pulls out of the driveway, yet there is a good side as well.  As an only parent I have often had to rely on so many to help me get kids where they needed to be, now with another driver that should ease some.

Friday I found myself in tears on numerous occasions.  I had been warned by a friend that this day would be much more difficult than sending him off to kindergarten.  Boy howdy, she wasn't lying. Kindergarten was a breeze in comparison to what I felt on Friday.  I realize that every parent is probably emotional on the day their child drives away.  It signifies so much, it's what we wish for and hope for for our children, yet it is a new chapter that we must face in our lives.  God gave us these precious souls to bring up, to show them how to live independently, yet it hurts so much when they don't need us as much anymore.  For me, there were many more emotions for me.  Steve has been gone a little over 4 years.  We have had numerous holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings but this was truly the biggest milestone we have hit that he wasn't here to be a part of.  He didn't get to see the grin on Spencer's face when he walked in after taking his test to tell me he had passed.  He didn't get to hear the excitement in his voice when he was telling me about the test.  This was a HUGE day for me, but and even bigger day for Spencer and Steve missed it... and it hurts. But he was with us when Spencer in true Steve fashion asked to take a picture like he hadn't passed to send it to family and friends to only send the following picture to let them know it was a joke.

I am so happy for him, yet there is still a little bit of sadness as I watch my baby boy grow up.  Saturday morning he was just hanging out with me and said, "Mom, I know because we have lost dad that you worry more that something will happen to me." No 16 year old should have that weight on their shoulders, but unfortunately my son does.  He then went on to promise that he would text me when he got to his destination.  While I don't know how long this will last, I feel blessed that my son has the compassion to know that this is what I need in order to ease into this next phase of life.  

So Thursday is another HUGE milestone that will be very hard on me, maybe even harder than this one.... Spencer goes for his board of review and will more than likely become and Eagle Scout. Please understand that I love the scouting program and all that it has instilled in my son, but when Steve signed Spencer up for Scouts I told him that this was for him to do, that it was on his plate.  I guess the joke was on me....as it got added to my plate.  I am blessed by all the men and women who stepped up to help me with this challenge. The Boy Scout Program is an amazing program that has helped Spencer in so many ways, that I as a mom could not.  In his letter to his dad after his death, Spencer promised his dad he would get his Eagle.... and he is holding true to that promise.  Too many moments that I wish his dad were here for....

I miss him, and miss that he is missing so much.....He would be so proud. 

Perspective

I have a very good friend of mine that shared with me that she doesn't do New Years Resolutions. Instead, she picks a word to focus on for the year.  She asked me what my word was for the year so that she could pray for me.  This year I chose the word "perspective".  Today that word truly came into play.  I along with 2 of my colleagues went to visit a former student of ours in the hospital.  I had Jonas in 5th grade at the age of 10.  He was a spry, spunky, fun loving and compassionate 10 year old...and is still all those things now at the age of 16. Jonas is in for the fight of his life right now.  He was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma when he was 13 and has fought the fight with every ounce of his being.  Their family is never far from my prayers. Perspective....even when you think you are fighting a hard battle.... someone else is fighting something much more difficult.  Please pray for Jonas and his family. 

 



A Glorious Unfolding

Through the years there have been songs that speak right to my heart.  Many of times I sing the lyrics but I'm not aware of what they are saying, and then all of a sudden one day the lyrics hit me.  This is true with the following song. 

 

 

Here is just part of the lyrics:

 

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding


God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun......

 

I think it's God trying to remind me that I am not in control....He has this.  Be it because I am a widow, an only parent, a mom of a special needs child, a mom of a pre-teen, a mom of a teenager, a working mom, a person just tying to find her place in this world....This song speaks to me in so many ways.  From the beginning I have put my trust in God and His plan and jokingly say I wish I was on his planning committee.  So when life gets me down, this is a song on my "favorites" that I plug in and blare to remind myself that God has this, to slow down and pray. 

 

What's on your heart? Give it to God....He already has it...Your story has only begun and it's going to have a glorious unfolding! 

Tiny Nudges....

As Thursday approaches, and 1,462 days have passed, there are many things that I have learned along this widow journey.  I have often asked God to show me what my purpose is in this life...while I am still trying to figure that out, I felt a nudge from God to write...so I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. 

Grief is different for everyone, I have lived it and witnessed this unfortunately in people close to me.  I have been blessed in so many ways and didn't realize how truly blessed until the death of Steve.  I have to admit, I was complacent...I didn't stop and smell the roses, didn't appreciate the small things in life, or recognize what truly mattered in this life.  I was more worried about how things appeared on the outside.....what others thought of me, of my marriage and my children.  I was trying to create a picture-perfect world for all to see.  Then on July 31, 2010, my world crumbled in an instant....the picture shattered.  I was blessed to be surrounded by so many friends and family members, it is they who carried me through the first year, and still carry me to this day.  The second-year the fog lifted and I continued on, mostly because of the precious souls God had entrusted Steve and me to.  They were looking to me for guidance on how to do this new life that we had been thrust into.  While I know I haven't done things perfectly, I do feel confident that we are closer than ever because of the honest and open relationship that we share.  While the raw openness is hard for "outsiders" to understand, I have learned that doesn't matter, what matters is how my children feel and cope with this journey.  I have been judged and questioned and at first, it threw me into a tailspin, made me question myself.  But at the end of the day, what matters is the peace I have in my heart and the peace my children have in theirs.  Through all this, I have grown so much as a person.  The little things used to get to me, now I probably dismiss the trivial things a little too easily.  But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you eat, what you do, if the trash got taken out, if someone was late, if a chore didn't get completed....what matters is the time you have invested in each other.  I truly enjoy just "being".  Being with the people I care about and love....I love just watching, observing and learning about the people I care about.  So if you think I'm just being quiet....truly I am just learning about the people that surround me.  A phrase that has always been apart of our family is "we're making memories"  It is because of that I feel my children are thriving.  I love it when they say "remember when....".  While it was a daunting task, to begin with, I have continued to make sure that we are "making memories"...we stop and smell the roses...sometimes the roses have thorns but that's ok, it makes for good memories. 

I was fortunate this summer to be an adult leader on our middle school mission trip.  It always seems that I walk away from these experiences feeling blessed.  I honestly believe that everyone has a story, everyone has something difficult they are going through or have been through.  While I may have lost my husband, became a widow at 39, have a child with special needs, I am SO, SO blessed.  While on the mission trip I saw so many things that made my heart ache... one that sticks with me is the woman with tears in her eyes as I offered her an extremely ripe cantaloupe.  She could not believe that I was giving her fresh fruit.  It humbled me...shook me to the core.  While I have had some major bumps along my life's journey, I am blessed and it's a conscious decision to stay focused on the blessings. 



So while my "picture perfect" family is missing someone, I am blessed to know that God will continue to hold us up and help us through this thing we call life.  For beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder....


Much love to you all.