It's hard to believe that it's been 961days since Steve's passing. There are days it feels like just yesterday...and days where I measure events based on if Steve was still alive or if he had already passed. I am proud of how far we have come. It has been a difficult road but I truly feel like we have honored Steve with continuing on and living life. We have moved through almost every stage of grief and have learned to cling to those we love dearly. But I do have a confession to make....
I sit her tonight knowing that I will be taking Sam in tomorrow morning to have her foot X-rayed. Now let me explain, she had surgery on her right foot February 1st and last Monday she fell and broke her left foot. Tonight she had a seizure and fell and held her right foot saying "boo boo", which translated means PAIN!!! Spencer complained of pain in his foot after track started...so I will be having 2 children X-rayed tomorrow....
No this isn't my confession... my confession... I am almost paralyzed with fear of something happening to my children or to me. I know this is normal and I know that I need to work through this, but it is times like these that my heart just aches....We still continue with life, but when they are away from me or something happens to them, there is a worry that overcomes me. I hide it from most of the world and from my children, but I have very restless sleep until we are all back together again or until they are whole. Spencer recently got to go on a trip of a lifetime...he went camping in Minnesota with his scout troop. He left for the trip before I got home from school and then didn't have his phone for most of the trip. It was hard...really hard on me...but I was so glad he had the chance to go and it made his homecoming so sweet. I am that over protective parent.....I admit it...and I know I need to loosen up some...I am a work in progress. The thought of losing one of them is truly crippling...the thought of something happening to me and them not having either parent is just as difficult. Did any of this ever cross my mind when Steve was alive, not really...Don't get me wrong, I have always worried about my children, but not to the degree that I do now. Death is a funny thing...it puts perspective on so much of your life, yet, it can cripple you in so many ways. I feel that I have been blessed with not getting crippled by many of the things I could, yet I can't seem to shake this one. All in due time, all in due time...
