Light a candle....

I have to say that I felt that I was doing pretty good going into this second Christmas without Steve. Pretty good until our church service tonight. As we lit candles my pastor talked about the darkness that many people face in their lives, and boy have I faced darkness. There were times when I know that the devil had a hold on my heart, but then there was light. I hurt for all those people out there that don't see the light and hope that Jesus has for us. You see my tears are for a few reasons, one being that I am no longer building that faith with Steve, but mostly because of how many people just don't get it. They focus on the negative and forget to look at all the blessings they do have in their lives...they truly don't see and "light" in their lives.

I am not a strong person, but I am strong in my faith. The only reason I have gotten as far as I have is because someone has carried me. Truly how blessed I am this CHRISTmas. Let us all try and be a light in someones life this season.

It's the little things....

that can bring me to tears in a moments notice. There have been numerous times lately that I have been told "we will be thinking of you this holiday season". And trust me holidays are difficult, but when we focus on the traditions and spending time with family they are much more bearable than one would think. But truly it is the little things that bring me to tears. For instance, on Wednesday it was dress up day at Spencer's school. He decided he wanted to wear a shirt and tie...no problem...have the shirt and clip on tie...we are good to go, until the clip on tie breaks, and well it was too short. So Spencer decides he wants to wear one of Steve's tie, which brings a smile to my face. But also brought me to tears....not because it was Steve's tie, but because I have NO FREAKING clue how to tie a tie. Spencer "googled" it and was trying to teach himself. He ran out of time before he had to leave for school. I kissed him good bye and sent the tie with him telling him to find someone to help. The door closed behind him and the tears fell from my eyes. I sent him a text that said "So sorry I don't know how to tie a tie. Makes me sad as the best person to teach you never got the chance. Love you tons". So it's the little things that hurt the most, those things that catch you off guard and make you realize the huge hole that is left in every one's lives.

On a good note though, there are good people out there....thanks to Aunt Laura for finding a teacher at school to help him get it tied.

A lesson to learn from me...

While this has been on my heart for quite some time, I haven't written about it because I didn't truly know where to start. So forgive me if this doesn't make sense. While going through this grief process there are many things that I miss about Steve, his smile,his beautiful blue eyes, his voice, his quirkyness, his touch. While there are somethings I can do to ease the pain there are some things I can't do and yearn for. I can watch videos to hear his voice, look at pictures to see his beautiful smile or watch Spencer for the silliness. But his touch is something I cannot find in anything left behind. The touch of my children's hugs are not the same as the hugs that he would give me. Sleeping with my children does not even compare to being next to him. So many things that I took for granted....the hug to make me feel safe and secure, the reaching over to hold my hand while he was driving, the shoulder rub while I was fixing dinner. I truly never realized how important the human touch was until I know longer had it....from the one I loved and the one who loved me.

So please learn from me, cherish the touch....for it can never be replaced.

Pray for me....

because I am now a mom to a teenager! Truly I can't believe that it has been 13 years ago that God entrusted Steve and I with a child. We truly have been blessed.

13 Things I love about Spencer:

1. The way he texts me before he gets to school with our secret code
2. His beautiful blue eyes he got from his dad
3. The way he loves to scare people, but hates to be scared himself
4. His love for learning (a teacher's dream :0))
5. The fact that he isn't afraid to try something new
6. How big his heart is for others, but most of all for Sam.
7. His deep seeded faith.
8. The positive outlook on life, even when things are rotten.
9. How he loves to tell stories about his dad to make us smile and remember.
10. His beautiful smile that lights up an entire room.
11. His compassion for others, even those he doesn't know.
12. Doing things to honor his dad, and his dad's memory.
13. His understanding of what truly is important in this life.

Spencer truly is one of the most amazing young men I have been around. Sure, he's my son and I am supposed to say that, but truly he has a heart of gold and I am blessed to call him my son.

Thanksgiving

Here we are, our 2nd Thanksgiving without Steve. I have read many places that often the 2nd year without your loved one is harder than the first. So far, I have to say it is true.

True for many reasons. I think the "numbness" has worn off and the fog has lifted that I was in the first year. Reality has set in and some people forget and move on, and if you are reading this, then you wouldn't be one of those people. The kids and I are still stuck in the nightmare of him never coming home.

However, through all of this I have to say that we are at peace. Do we like the fact that he will never walk through the door, go on vacation with us or sit down to dinner with us...ummmm NO. For so long now, I have been trying to put a finger on the feeling I was having inside. And I feel that peace is appropriate...I am at peace that God is in control and have put my faith in HIM, even though at times it is hard. I am at peace that I will see Steve again one day, but still wish I could see him everyday. I am at peace that I am an only parent, and rely on others to help me with this task. I have relinquished the fact that I can control things in my life and I am at peace. No this doesn't mean that I am all happy, happy, joy, joy...far from it. But when I get in those low, low places, it truly brings me to my knees and I pray. Pray for guidance and pray for peace. So while my heart still aches, God is touching us in ways unimaginable. So in true Thanksgiving style....

I am not blessed that Steve died so soon, however, I am stronger, more empathetic, and kinder since a huge piece of my heart was ripped from me and this makes me thankful for:

family, friends, church and a community that has embraced us and helped us to not feel alone.

for those who understand my crazy sense of humor and realize that if I didn't laugh, I would cry every single day.

for my beautiful children...for their unconditional love and for truly getting what it means to be a family. We are there for each other ALWAYS and FOREVER.

that I did have at least 16 years to share a love that many will never experience. To realize that true love is not what is portrayed in Soap Operas and that true love is HARD work.

all the wonderful memories that we made together to help us keep him alive in our hearts. What an amazing man he was, and I was blessed to be called his wife.

So while this 2nd year is difficult, I will continue to go to my knees and pray and lean on God to get me through this, because truly I do not know where I would be today if it wasn't for my faith, friends and family.

Saturdays are the hardest....

Maybe because we don't always have the hustle and bustle that weekdays bring, but truly Saturdays are the hardest...Saturday mornings in particular. This morning I awoke to a thousand things running through my head. One of them being Sam and the fact that we still don't have seizure control. This week I took a leap of faith, I contacted my primary care physician and ask they begin the procedures that need to be taken for me to take Sam "out of network". There has to be more for my sweet precious little girl...increasing medicine for me right now is not an option. Steve and I didn't make the commitment to go on the Ketogenic Diet to increase her medicine. And that is why this Saturday morning is so hard. While I have the counsel of some amazing people and I appreciate their opinions and support, it is the support and decisions that I made with Steve that I miss. That you are my soul mate, and so understand what I am feeling and hurt when I hurt kind of connection.

So say a prayer for me that a "second, third, or fourth" opinion is going to be what is needed to help Sam. I have also contacted St. Louis Children's Hospital as they are one of the top hospitals that deal with children with epilepsy, and they are the closest to us. Still waiting to hear back from them...but will be persistent until I do. I have however decided that if I need to go elsewhere I will. I have also contacted a nutritionist that is highly renowned for looking at blood samples and tweaking the diet to help become seizure free. No stone will be left unturned until I have answers for my precious baby girl.

We have our neuro appointment this week with her current doctor. Please pray that I have the courage and words to stand up to this neuro if he says he wants to increase her meds. Pray that he truly hears what I am saying and compromises with what I am wanting too. I am already dreading this appointment.

Watch out world this momma bear is on the prowl.

I am Tired...

of being the only one to help with homework.

of deciding what to have for dinner.

of telling people to take out the trash, clean their room, dust, vaccum.....

of being the only adult in the house.

of being the only one to give Sam a bath, get her dressed and get her to bed.

of my plate overflowing daily.

of not having someone to hug, kiss or hold hands with.

of keeping appointments straight and making sure everyone gets where they are supposed to be.

of not being able to call people back and have a conversation like a normal person.

of working full time and coming home to yet another full time job.

of being the one responsible to make sure all the bills get paid.

of not being able to sleep in and catch up on sleep because I am so stinkin tired.

Happy Birthday Sam!

Six years ago today on 10-9-05 at 9:05 I gave birth to this precious girl. Little did I know how much she would change the way we look at the world. I am sticking with my tradition and listing the 6 things I LOVE about Sam...some will be the same as last year, because somethings never change...

1. Her laugh will make make you smile from ear to ear and warm your heart...it truly is contagious.
2. I love the way she says "foooooot-ball"
3. Her love for water...in any shape or form..
4. Her carefree, love of life attitude
5. She is a prayer warrior...won't let us forget to pray before meals or at bedtime.
6. The way she feeds the dogs and cat once piece of their food at a time...she loves these animals.

I could list many things I love about her, but truly how do you sum up in 6 things how this child has changed my life and the lives of so many others. Even though she is a special needs child, she has been what has kept me grounded and helped me to appreciate the little things in life. I love you to the moon and back sweet Sam.

I Played "that" Card Today...

I truly have tried my best not to play the "my husband died" card as it makes people feel uncomfortable. But tonight I did...I was at Kohl's purchasing a few things and the sales person asked me not once but FOUR times if I wanted to open a Kohl's charge card...the first 3 times I said no thank you and by the fourth time, I let her have it.

I played the card.

I just wanted her to stop bothering me about opening a credit card with her. So I told her that I don't do credit cards as I am trying to track where my money goes and credit cards are dangerous. I then went on to explain that my husband had died a little over a year ago so it was up to me now to attend to the finances so I did not want her stupid credit card. It didn't stop there...she said "oh did he die of cancer?" Ummm...really, does it make a difference? I still don't want your stupid credit card..it doesn't really matter HOW he died, it is the fact that I am now the SOLE person responsible for the money that comes and goes from my household...so leave me alone already!

So as I type this I think of Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler".

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

I bet the poor Kohl's lady wished that I would not have played my card and that I would have walked away....but sometimes people push you too far...

Decisions, Decisions

Life is all about decisions and having to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, just all depends on how you look at the situation.

Today would have been Steve's 42nd birthday. Man that is hard to type, would have.....

So today, I have some choices to make on how to celebrate this wonderful man. While my heart is still in a million and one pieces, I have decided we will celebrate all that he encompassed as a person. While there will be tears, I am choosing to surround myself with some of the people that loved him the most and talk and laugh about him. There seems to be great comfort in talking about him and hearing about him from others.....as this shows he is not forgotten.

So while this is my choice, I know that not everyone who has lost a loved one can celebrate and that is ok. We all grieve in different ways. I try to stay focused on who and what he stood for and what he meant to us, as I think that is very important for myself as well as my children, and celebrate him as a person.

So Happy Birthday Steve! We love and miss you!

1 Year Down and Continuing Forward....

I sit in amazement that a year has gone by. Wow! There are so many things that I have learned this past year....

• that without my faith, truly I would not be where I am today.
  



• Life insurance is a must!!! It is affordable, you must make sacrifices now in case something were to happen. Never thought in a MILLION years I would need it...and don't just be ok with what your work offers. There are SO many expenses you don't expect!
  




• Double check your insurance policies (home and auto), make sure that you will be ok if something happens to you or to someone that is on your property or in your car. See if you have coverage on your auto for under insured and uninsured (thanks Brian)!
  




• There are still honest car sales men...besides my uncle... Thank you Kyle for helping me through my first car buying experience. I will use you again when my kids need wheels.
  




• There are people out there that want to remain anonymous and do random acts of kindness...thank you for those who put money in my kids lunch account, in their education fund and for gift cards that would randomly show up in the mail.
  




• Hail storms can be good....I got a new roof and gutters because of Mother Nature.
  




• Truly I am blessed with the fact that there are still good people out there that want to help and make my life a little easier...won't list them all as the list is long. But I was blessed to have meals delivered for over 6 months, my house was painted, windows installed, gutters cleaned out, lawn mowed, snow shoveled, ceiling fan hung, toilet fixed, sink faucet installed, kitchen painted, washer and dryer delivered, house cleaned, a pastor that helps, encourages and prays for us....
  




• I learned that there are lawyers out there that truly care and want to help. There were so many things I didn't know I would need help with and Brian was there to lend a hand.
  




• I have learned much about the fiance world...and this was uncharted territory for me....what is a mutual fund, IRA, Roth, Stocks, Structured Settlements, Bonds, MOST...well I could not have told you before Steve's passing, but I know now... and guess what...with the way the stock market is going, I am ok...because the way I see it...I am getting more for my money :) I am in it for the long haul...
  




• I have learned that in order for healing to happen you have to laugh and cry or cry and laugh. You have to talk about how you are feeling and embrace the feelings whenever and wherever you are. And, you must surround yourself with people that help propel your forward and let go of those who suck the energy right out of you, as you barely have enough energy to make it through the day.
  




• Everyone has a story, and you never know what they are dealing with at a particular time. Maybe you have a cranky waitress, stop and think that maybe her mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that she is doing the best she can. I was often given the grace I needed by those who know and love me, but I can guarantee I was cranky with someone that thought "Geez, what is her problem?"
  




• I realize the things that I worried about before truly were petty and try to stay focused on what is important in life.
  




• I realize that my children are stronger than I have ever given them credit for and their perspective on so many things have truly inspired me and touch me to the core.
  




• and finally I realize that life will never be the same, however, there are so many things in my life that I can say that I am truly blessed. I will continue on into year 2 staying focused on the positive, because I know that is what Steve would have wanted. There will detours I am sure, but all I have to do is look into my children's eyes and realize again how truly blessed I am.

364 Days Ago...

This picture was taken exactly 364 days ago....364 days... and in a blink of an eye our picture turned to this...

How crazy it is that your life can be turned upside down so quickly. 364 days ago we had been to the Royals game and enjoyed an evening with each other...it was an exciting game that they won at the very last moment and then we stayed for fireworks. It truly was a spectacular evening.

Then at 12:05 on Saturday, July 31st, I got that most horrific phone call from Sydney and our lives changed for ever. There were MANY days that I didn't know how I was going to survive. There were many tears that were shed. But we have survived and we still shed many tears.

It has been 364 days since I heard his laugh, looked into his beautiful blue eyes, kissed him, held his hand, snuggled up next to him in bed, and was wrapped in one of his wonderful hugs. You truly don't realize how much you miss hugs and kisses until they are taken from you forever....well at least from the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.

Have I grown as a person....sure...but if I am honest with myself and honest to God...I would be perfectly fine if I didn't grow. Have I learned some things that I never knew.....yep...but again...I was pretty content in my life before, just didn't realize how good I had it.

So let me answer the questions that everyone either wants to ask or they do ask.... 1. "So, how are you doing?" 2. "How are the kids doing?"

1. How am I doing...well I guess as good as anyone who has lost the love of their life. There are good days and there are bad days. We still laugh and smile and joke around because that is what Steve would have wanted. He LOVED life. And sometimes I worry what people think when the kids and I are smiling and laughing.......NO we haven't forgotten him, and YES there is still heartache and we still miss him with every ounce of our beings. There are times, like right now, that I just sit and cry because he is not here. There are times that I fall apart and crumble. There are moments that catch me off guard. But in the big picture I know that I WILL see him one day again, and that brings me so much peace.

2. The kids...they are what has helped pull me through all of this. Because of them, I get out of bed every morning. Because of them, I make better choices. Because of them I smile and laugh and act silly. (who couldn't smile when you hear Sam giggle). But take me out of the picture and you ask how they are. Well honestly they are doing pretty good. Their perspective is pretty awesome and they are so strong in their faith that it has helped them. Are their days/times that they break down and cry...sure...and their will be for some time. Yes, they are in counseling, and yes they will remain in counseling until they feel like they don't need it anymore, which could be a long time because they LOVE Coach Barry their counselor.

Truly I know that I would not be where I am in this journey if I didn't have the love and support from family, friends and my church. I know through the year I have made some decisions that probably weren't right, but was given grace. I know that I have done things that people questioned, but I did them any way because it was what I felt was right for myself and for my kids. I have questioned myself on the whole grief process...am I doing it right, what happens if I don't do it right, etc. I have never been angry at God, and that worried me until my pastor told me that some people don't go through every stage. Now yes I realize that I may go through this stage later, but I would have figured that at some point during these past 364 days that I would have hit that stage.

So as we hit day 365 my heart is heavy because I miss him like crazy. Because I think of all the things he has missed and all the future things he will miss. Because I want him here so I can tell him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate all that he did for myself and for our family. Please continue to pray for us as we still need them. So, very soon it will be 366 days...do I think it will be any easier..NOPE. But I know that I am blessed to have the love and support by so many. Much love to all.

The Last of the firsts....

So today was the last of the first holidays that we have spent without Steve, which means we are coming closer and closer to the one year anniversary. There are times that I can't believe that we have survived almost a year. The next big hurdle before we get to the one year anniversary...July 16th...what would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. Please know that I am full aware that come August 1st it is still going to be difficult and just because we passed the one year mark does not mean it will become easier. I am proud of how far we have come together, but know that we will fall back now and then, but little steps forward are still good progress. Please continue to pray for us these next few weeks as they will for sure be a roller coaster ride.

Father's Day.....

It's been 327 days since he passed...327...hard to believe. We have had plenty of rough days, some good days and some days that we smile. But truly, Sunday, June 19th was the most heart wrenching, suck the air right of you day. Father's Day will never be the same for us again. For my kids no longer have a Father to celebrate with, to make cards for, to go on picnics with, to eat ice cream with....gone are those days...it was ripped from them some 327 days ago.

While most people went on with their day, some sent nice notes, gave me hugs or said nice words to me. Never did I think this would be THE hardest day since he passed. Now that I have had time to reflect, I feel that this was the hardest day because all the other "holidays" focus on other people and we tend to be surrounded by lots of family....which is always a good distraction. There was a huge, gaping hole at the picnic....no one to hold hands with on the walk on the trail....we carried on in tradition to what we have always done for Father's Day, but the pain was so intense. A pain I probably needed to feel, but gosh darn it hurts. We survived though...we made it through. We added a new tradition to this Father's Day...we purchased balloons and wrote messages to their dad and released them....a tradition I would rather not have....




I am blessed to have a wonderful and caring dad still in my life, and his day was overshadowed this year because of the pain we are still facing. The best thing, I know he understands and doesn't judge me...so thanks dad...love you lots!

Another thing that truly is maddening to me is when people could see or talk to their dad on this day, but don't. Ok trust me I know about family problems and tense situations when it comes to family, but it breaks my heart to know that people can't take time from their busy lives and make a call, spend a few hours with their family...THEIR FAMILY...the good the bad and the ugly...but they are FAMILY!!! What my kids would give to spend just a few more moments with their dad...moments...something you can never get back. Jobs can wait, pride can be set aside, but there will come a day when those days and moments will cease... and all that will be left for your loved ones are memories....so don't rob people from making good memories with you.

I know that we are truly blessed because we have so many great memories of Steve. One that made us smile this Father's Day....we went to Dairy Queen and got his favorite..The Buster Bar. You see Steve truly loved Peanut Buster Parfaits, but would eat the Buster Bar because it was cheaper...this is so Steve...


Thanks for the memories sweetie...we sure do miss you...and will continue to honor you every day.

Blessings...

Summer has truly started out better than I had anticipated. On Sunday evening we were invited to Celebration at the Station down at Union Station. It was a TOTAL spur of the moment thing, and for those of you who truly know me...I am NOT, I repeat NOT a spur of the moment person. Literally we stopped at Quiktrip grabbed dinner and a drink and headed out. Mom of the Year for dinner at Quicktrip. We hung out with good friends and listened to the symphony and then watched fireworks. It truly was an amazing time, a lot of healing happened that night! I came to realize that I can do things all by myself....where there is a will there is a way! Thanks Chris and Ang for inviting us!



The rest of this week has been getting Spencer ready to leave for 10 days for scout camp. SIGH.... As I sit and reflect on this I am truly humbled by all the outpouring of love from everyone to help make this possible. My amazing brother in law has graciously agreed to go and be there with Spencer. Please understand, Ed finished school TODAY, and leaves TOMORROW to be there for Spencer. I have to admit it's because I am worried about things that could trigger things for Spencer since Steve was with him last year. So thank you Ed for giving up the first part of your summer to be there for us. Thank you Susie for letting him go as I know this cuts into your time too.

Now another amazing thing...Spencer will be earning some merit badges while at camp. One of the prerequisites was for him to catch a fish, fillet, cook and eat a fish. I HATE FISH!!! So I don't have a clue how to fillet or cook it, and would not dare eat it...YUCK! So Linda stepped up to the plate and helped accomplish this task....Thank you a ton Linda for this...you saved me!






Now many other people will be writing to Spencer while at camp, others praying for them... and some will travel on Sunday to be with him for Scout Sunday. Thank you to everyone...no task is to small to help comfort me as well as Spencer during this time.

So while Spencer is out of town, the girls will play...I think shopping is in order as well as a pedicure. We might even sneak in some ice cream. I even get to go and have dinner with my sister...what a treat...excellent dinner for sure...love eating at their house.

Ok so I know we are only a week into summer, but I am trying to stay upbeat and positive and not let things get me down. So if you think I might enjoy something...call me...I might surprise you as I surprised myself and do something spur of the moment.

Summer

Well it's the official start to summer and most years I would be so excited to have 2 1/2 months off. However, this year is a little, no strike that, a lot different.

This summer I won't have to try and keep the kids quiet while Steve is in his office working.

This summer it is me who will be planning the family vacation.

This summer it is me who will have to do all the driving.

This summer it is just me....with so much time on my hands.

So yes, I am afraid that with so much time on my hands there will be so much time on my hands that thoughts and memories will overcome me.

Yes, the kids will keep me busy, but when I was teaching, there wasn't time in the day to break down, I couldn't just say "excuse me class while I have this small melt down". I was hoping that at 10 months out it might be easier, but I am beginning to think if it will ever get easier. Yes, we have happy moments, but there are still the out of the blue smack you in the face he is gone forever moments too. So here's to summer.....here's to praying that healing will continue and that we will survive and make wonderful memories together.

How Can You Help Me...

This was taken from Widow's Voice Blog, so much of what I am feeling or have felt.


Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for our children, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. And remember, I was a capable adult before his death and I still am.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I may not be ready. And maybe I don't want to be. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.

(b) Send me a card on special holidays, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.

(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve. Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
--Author Unknown

Finally...my post about the run...

Ok so I know I should write something fabulous here about our run and I have started this post a million times over, but it is hard to write down all the emotions and feelings that I had and that I am still having after running in OKC. To put that the weekend was an emotional roller coaster is a HUGE understatement. There were times during the weekend that I would catch myself thinking "I can't wait to tell Steve about....". I am truly AMAZED at the love and support from many angles that helped us accomplish our goal.

I still remember vividly the night that Linda, Sue and Ed brought up the idea of us running the marathon in relay teams. Truly what was running through my head was "I don't run, I don't like to run, I don't want to run, but I will for him". So I trained and I ran...for him. We started planning this a little less than 9 months ago and it seemed like forever before we would actually run. So much to look forward to.....and then it finally arrived.

Again so many emotions...the kids and I drove to OKC on Friday in order to spend time with family. On Saturday several of us went to the Expo to pick up packets....so hard as I could imagine Steve there just 3 years earlier picking up his racing bib and then stopping off at some of the booths, but not purchasing anything because that was just his personality. One of the most emotional times for me was dinner Saturday night...the carb loading night. It was a sight to be hold..60 people, yes 60 people were there to honor him and support his family. What an amazing tribute...I did break down at one point as it was all so overwhelming for me.

Everyone after carbing up for the big race

Then Sunday morning came......up early and getting ready to go. I remember the morning Steve ran, I think he changed clothes a few times and wasn't quite sure what to wear, I was in the same boat. Decisions were made and we were off to the start line. The race was delayed because of rain, and because Steve wanted to give us a concert before it all started...lightning and thunder. It rained the ENTIRE time and the temperatures dropped as the race went on. We saw everyone off at the start line and then headed to our post for the relay exchange. It was exhilarating and difficult all at the same time. My feet were going to touch the same path that Steve had run....overwhelming. The exchange happened and we were off to run our 3.2 miles of the race...in the rain.... I don't remember many of the sights along my path, but I do remember vividly two places....it was the two places I had stood 3 years earlier to cheer Steve on...tears streamed down my face and it was difficult for me to breath...I guess it was good it was raining at that point, then know one knew if it was tears or rain. We finished our leg and then we headed in to warm up a little before heading to the finish line to see the others. Thanks Wendy for the hot chocolate and warm place to hang out!

Some of Sam's biggest supporters...teachers and the director from her school

The 3rd leg of the relay

The 4th leg of the relay (minus Sue..who I think was taking the pic??)


The finish line...what a difficult place....I stood for awhile watching and my chest grew tighter with each passing moment. For I knew that my dear, sweet, husband would not be crossing this finish line and it was beyond hard for me to stand there and watch. After seeing 2 people cross the finish line I had to leave...it truly was too much for me to bear. So to those of you that I didn't watch cross, I truly apologize, but hope that you understand. I think the breaking point for me was seeing my nephew Austin carry one of Steve's shoes across the finish line. For those of you who may be confused by this, let me explain. Steve's siblings decided that Steve was going to run another marathon...with them. So the marathon group took one shoe and carried it the entire way, and the marathon relay teams passed it off at each leg. So in essence Steve ran another marathon with us. Now leaving OKC was probably one of the hardest times too...the kids and I left by ourselves...we didn't have the "FINISHER" in the car with us, and that was very hard.


Was the weekend good....yes
Was the weekend hard...yes
Would I do it again....in a heart beat.

Thank you to all those who came and ran and those who were are cheerleaders, those who prayed for us and to those who were Sami watchers....LOVE, LOVE you all.


So mark your calendars for April 29, 2012 because we need runners and cheerleaders, and if I can run 3.2 miles, anyone can. Go Team Steve!

We Run to Remember....

I sit here in total disbelief that it has been 9 months since Steve passed. Nine months... It was pretty soon after he died that the family was trying to think of a way to honor him. We decided to run in the Oklahoma City Marathon. In 2008, Steve ran his first and only marathon in Oklahoma City with the title "A Run to Remember"...how fitting for us 3 years later.

I sit here in this hotel in absolute awe at all the family and friends that have traveled to come and be a part of this either as a runner or as a cheerleader. Sixty, yes 60, people gathered for dinner tonight before our big run in the morning. My emotions got the best of me as I sat and realized the enormity of all of this... I cannot thank everyone enough for being a part of this, either as a runner, cheerleader or prayer warrior for us. I know Steve is up there smiling as several of us run for the first time, and as Susie runs her very first marathon, in honor of him. Now I want everyone reading this to understand something...we aren't all running the marathon, but the marathon relay. Spencer, Sydney and I will be running 3.1 miles together, and for the record...I still don't love running, but do it to honor him. Missing him so much tonight...

Camp Wilderness

I left Friday night in hopes to draw some of the 5th and 6th graders at our church a little closer to God. Little did I realize how healing this weekend would be for me. I have to give credit to Stacy Guerrero and her husband for putting all of this together. She has a true passion for this and it shows. We started the weekend off with a meal and the dove right into the details of Holy Week. We spent time in large groups discussing, praising, singing and watching video clips to better understand what Jesus went through. We also met in small groups to have discussions and reflect of how this affects us. There were many fun activities planned and some down time for the kids too. It truly was fun just hanging out with these kids.


Crab walk race...truly thinking I might have broken my thumb I was going so fast...


Dodge ball...the groups favorite activity...I was just the photographer...


Spencer and Jesus at "The Last Supper"

The meal served at "The Last Supper"

I think it hit me the hardest when we went to "The Last Supper". To know that HE died for me, Melissa Gouldsmith, was almost more than I could handle. The pain and sacrifices He made for each one of us is unfathomable. How truly blessed I am that He made that sacrifice, for if He had not, I am not sure where I would be in this grieving process. But knowing that one day I will see Steve again, brings a little peace to my heart. How thankful I am for HIS sacrifice.

It was also a great weekend for me to just to get to hang out with Spencer and watch him grow in his faith. To see the light go on that he truly gets it was a wonderful moment as a mom! Love that kid!



Please try and pause each day this week...this Holy Week and remember what HE has done for each and everyone of us. And as always, if you are ever wanting a place to come and worship you are always welcome at The Summit. Happy Easter!

New adventures

I dropped the kids off at school today and set about to tackle my errands. But I was nervous about the errand I had to run today...it was a new adventure, something I had never done before and wasn't quite sure how to do it. I am a forty year old woman, and I have never done this before..scary and a blessing all at once. I passed the turn in to the place and had to circle back. As I was circling back I was trying to calm my fears and was telling myself that I was going to feel so good about myself after I completed this task. I truly had knots in my stomach. So what caused all this this trepidation? I had to take my car in and get the oil changed...Yes you read that correctly...I had to get my oil changed... I know, I know, you are thinking "what are you kidding me?..she is worked up over an oil change?". Truly I had NEVER, EVER, done this before. I had my own mechanic in my house and was spoiled ROTTEN when it came to the maintenance of my car. If there was a job that he couldn't do, well he was the one to make all the arrangements, get the parts, and talk to the mechanic. I truly have never had to do anything with my car, until now. Well, Adams Toyota you passed with flying colors. Thank you for helping me through this process...even if I didn't know you weren't supposed to park, but drive into the service area..oops. It truly was a great experience. Little did they know that they had a terrified woman sitting in their waiting area. I survived! I survived! It truly made me stop and think about all the things I have had to do in these past 8 1/2 months for the first time...I was pretty spoiled before and didn't even realize it! I know I have said this before, but don't take your significant other for granted, they truly do more for you than you realize...keep a list...I think you would be surprised. The things may seem insignificant now, but stop and think if I had to do everything, with no help you would appreciate even the smallest thing like cleaning out the litter box, getting the trash together, fixing the broken picket on the fence, cleaning out the gutters, packing the car for trips, so many little things that add up to so much. Truly the next time someone does something for you, no matter how small, thank them because they have just made your life a little bit easier.

Keeping Score

Tonight was one of those times that I caught me off guard. It was just your normal breezy night at the ballpark. I was all snuggled into the sleeping bag getting ready to watch Spencer's first baseball game when his coach walked over and asked the mom next to me to keep score. Simple really, but I had to hold back the tears because the normal person to keep score for the Red Devils, Spencer's team, is now in heaven. As much as I grumbled over him keeping score every game last year and left me to keep track of Sam, I sat there wishing he were there keeping score and I was having to keep track of Sam. Simple things that hurt so much...

Strong...

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Over these past 8 months I have had several people tell me what a strong person I am. This has puzzled me for quite some time, as I don't see myself as a strong person. Because I truly believe that anyone in a situation like mine would also be considered "strong". At first I thought it was because of my children that I was perceived as "strong". When you have kids, there is no time to be a puddle on the floor. Sure I have my moments when I am puddle, but then someone needs help with homework or taken to practice or dinner and I have to continue on with life. The world doesn't stop, and maybe that is a blessing. So I finally figured it out...I am strong...strong in my faith, because without God's love and grace I truly do not know where I would be. God gives me the strength to face each day. He gives me the strength to know it's ok to cry and be sad, but not to stay stuck there. He gives me the strength to miss Steve, but know that I will see him again. And for the record, I am not strong in my faith 100% of the time and you know what God is ok with that too...because He knows I will always return to Him.

Faith is a hard thing, and I have grown in my faith through all of this because truly there was know where else to turn. Yes, I have family and friends, but God knew I needed HIM. I am still growing in my faith and will until I die. Faith is all about trust and trusting is something I have always struggled with. But truly it wasn't until Steve's death that I realized I truly have control over NOTHING!! NADA! ZILCH! God has a plan, HIS plan and I have to have faith and trust in HIM. So truly the best compliment I could get right now is for someone to say that I am strong....strong in my faith.

The Phone Calls....

The kids and I set out Sunday afternoon to go and visit my parents and sister for a few days in Oklahoma. After arriving my sister Laura and Kim both talked with their husbands to let them know they had arrived safely. It was then that it hit hard that I had no one to call and let know I had arrived safely. Typically on Spring Break the kids and I would visit my parents while Steve stayed home and worked on tax preparations....but this year, I was alone and had no one to call.

On Monday evening I had a dream...a glorious and wonderful dream. Steve called me in my dream. He told me he missed me and that he was sorry all of this had happened, but most of all he told me that he was ok. I told him that I had refinanced the house, bought a new car and that I had gotten the tax stuff sent off to Brinker already. He told me he was happy I bought the car as he wanted the kids and I to be safe. He then said "hate to cut this short, but I have a committee meeting to get to". Makes me smile to think of it right now...that last comment is SO Steve.

Not too long ago I posted this comment on Facebook "Some days all I wish is that heaven had a phone"...Thank you Lord for allowing the call to go through...It has brought so much peace to my heart.

The Struggle with Labels

Ever since Steve died I have struggled with the fact that I am a "single" parent now and the negative aspect that society has placed on being a "single" parent. Not that there is anything wrong with being a single parent and many reading this don't think a bad thought about "single" parents, but trust me, there are many out there who do treat you like you have a disease. Here is what bothers me, Steve and I truly had finally gotten to a point where we got it...got the whole marriage thing, the whole parent thing, the WHOLE life thing. Now I am not saying life was perfect, is it really ever perfect? I can only think of one PERFECT person and Steve is with Him now. I have had many friends that have had the terrible misfortune of going through a divorce saying one of the hardest things for them was being labeled a "single" parent. I understand, but for me, I didn't choose to be single and I think that is why it pains me. I realize that some single parents didn't "choose" it either, I just hope you get what I am saying and that you aren't offended by my feelings. I often want to wear a sign that says "My husband died, and I didn't choose to be single. I loved being Mrs. Steve Gouldsmith" or some variation of this. But today I read from another widow's blog that we are "only" parents...finally a term that I can live with. I am the ONLY parent to my children, and you know what sometimes it flat out stinks...I have to be the bad guy, have to make choices on my own and hope and pray for the best. I am the only parent when someone is throwing up in the night, the only parent helping with homework, the only parent making sure that teeth are brushed and deodorant is on, the only parent making the financial decisions that could affect the rest of our lives etc. etc. etc. Now don't get me wrong I love being the mom to these three precious souls, and there are perks that go with the job. And honestly, I have been blessed with the out pouring of love of family and friends that have stepped in when they knew I needed another "parent". Maybe you know an "only" parent and can offer help to them, whether it be to hang out with their kids while they get groceries or help shuffle them to and from activities, offer advice when they are struggling with parent decisions, tell them what worked for you or just go and hang out with them so there is another adult in the house for conversation. Just reach out and show God's love.

A post from Widows Voice blog

This so struck my heart and had to share it... I copied it from a Widows Voice Blog...

There is a time....


.... for mostly .... everything.
Even time for things that at other times .... look very negative.


Like Selfishness.



There is a time for selfishness .... and I had that time. I needed that time. I needed it in order to survive.

Literally.

Grieving demands selfishness.
At no other time in one's life must a person think ONLY of her/him self, sometimes at the cost of losing friends, upsetting many people, or even not parenting in the best possible way.But when one is drowning in grief, the only thing they are able to do .... is breathe.
And sometimes .... even that is almost too painful.

So yes, I've been selfish.And yes, I've upset people and even lost a friend over it.
Some people do not, can not, or will not understand the very thin rope that grievers are trying to grasp.
For whatever reason, they don't see that we are barely clinging to sanity.
And so they leave.
Which probably turns out to be a very good thing.

There's nothing like a huge tragedy to open your eyes to who your friends really are.
Friends who know what love means.
And what sacrifice means. And what "hanging in there" means.
No.
Matter.
What.


And very thankful to my family and friends who loved me through every moment of it .... who didn't expect me to "be there" for them, knowing that I couldn't even "be there" for myself.

I have been blessed abundantly.
Many widows lose more than one friend. Lots more.
That shows the caliber of friends that I do have.
I owe so very much to them.
Yet all I can do, and all they care that I do, is to love them.And I do.So.Very.Much.

Nine things I LOVE about Sydney...

Hard to believe that 9 years ago today I was at the hospital getting ready to have precious baby number two. Steve and I waited in anticipation to see if it would be a boy or a girl. I can still remember that day with vivid details..from Steve carrying in all his work stuff to work on while we waited...didn't happen, to having the doctor tell me that I would have to wait for her until after she delivered twins, to the nurses frantically finding ANY doctor to come and deliver MY baby...only to have my doctor rush in at the last moment to deliver precious baby Sydney.... and finally to Spencer telling an entire waiting room that he had "a baby Sydney" instead of a baby sister.

Here are 9 things I LOVE about Sydney...

1. Her compassion for others

2. Her willingness to always help out

3. The honest and open way she shares her heart

4. The letters she writes to her dad

5. Her love for music

6. How she plays with her dolls, one would think it was a REAL baby...she is going to be an awesome mom one day.

7. The way she plays with Sam, tolerates Sam, and looks out for Sam, even when Sam isn't very nice to her

8. The hugs and kisses she gives to me every night before she goes to bed

9. I love how beautiful she is on the inside on the outside.

Happy Birthday Sydney! Love you lots!

Success!!!!

We ARE in the gum making business...well for Sam anyway... A huge thanks to Linda and Susie for helping me tackle this project. For those of you who may not be aware, with Sam's diet she is limited on "treats". We had thought we had found a gum that she could have only to be told that the flavoring had carbs in it...a HUGE no, no on her diet. So with Linda's encouragement I ordered the supplies needed to make Sam gum she could have. Here is the process....We had a fun time with this "science experiment" and were thrilled that it worked out!

Sam checking out the stirring process....Yep they are doing a great job....

The kneading...Sam still making sure we are doing everything ok...from under the table...

Rolled out and ready to be cut

Believe it or not, this made about 60 pieces of gum..

Final step...wrapping...

Sam LOVED the gum...so much so she kept stealing pieces off the table before we got them wrapped. We made Mint Chocolate flavored this time.

The Gum Making Ladies with one VERY happy little girl!

6 Months Today

Enough said....

It was a God thing

Last night was the annual Lee's Summit Chamber of Commerce Dinner. It was in 2004 that Steve was named their New Member of the Year. He loved the Chamber and devoted many countless hours to serving on many committees. I was invited by a dear soul to be a guest at her table. I wasn't quite sure if I was up for the challenge, but she persisted and persuaded me I should be there. I was escorted by my wonderful brother in law Ed. Thanks for being my "date". After the dinner and auction they began their awards. When it came time for the new member of the year they announced that the awards name had been changed to the Steve Gouldsmith New Member of the Year award. And the winner was.....Marcus Henley...doesn't mean much to most of you, but to me, it meant everything. Marcus is the dad to one of the sweetest and most hard working students I have ever had. They are truly an amazing Christian family that always shared their faith with me, and for that I am blessed. This is where God intervened...you see out of the hundreds of people it could have been, the award went to someone I KNEW. As he walked to the stage to receive his award tears streamed down my face. I hate the fact that Steve is gone but truly I could not think of a better person to receive this award and I am proud to know that my husband's name will live on. Congratulations Marcus! It truly was a God thing....

And to Lynn, thank your for making me go...I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world. You see, in 2004, I was not at the dinner and Steve received his award. I have felt guilty about it for such a long time. Even though it was a joint decision for me to stay at home with the kids so we didn't have to pay a babysitter, I still feel guilt. Thank you Lynn, for helping me heal a little. You are a wonderful person, and I am blessed to call you my friend.

Thank you also to the wonderful people at the Chamber. You are an amazing organization and I fully understand why Steve was so committed to helping the Chamber grow.

How Do You Prepare Someone from Widow's Voice

Again, I have to post a link to a blog that I read on a daily basis called "Widows Voice". I sat reading this and kept shaking my head in agreeance. So rather than reinventing the wheel I thought I would share the link...

http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-do-you-prepare-someone.html

There is no I in Team

Today we had Samantha's follow up with neurology for her 6 month check up since starting the diet...6 months...so that means HE has been gone 6 months, as he died 2 days after coming home from the hospital after we started the diet.

The visit went well, we will make a few tweaks to her diet in order to gain better seizure control...still have at least 10 seizures a day, but a huge improvement from the 100+ we were seeing before the diet started. I am thankful that Linda, my sister in law, was able to be there with me, it helps having someone with a medical background with you, but also to have someone help you remember everything they tell you in those appointments. We also learned that we will be in the gum making business....you see I was told that there was some gum that she could have, and long story short in order for her to have the gum, we have to make it so that it uses flavoring and sweetener that is carb free. No worries...it's a kit that we purchase, mix up, add our flavoring and then mold. Will keep you posted on how that goes for us...I'm sure that will be a post all in itself!

The appointments are hard for many reasons, but the main being, I didn't sign up to do this diet on my own...It was going to be a team effort and well, you know the rest of the story---there is no I in team. The appointments are only harsh reminders of what has happened.

Two steps forward, one step back

I know that this will be the theme of our lives for quite sometime. You see we do pretty good for awhile and the BAM something out of the blue hits us. That is what happened the other night. Spencer was helping pick up the family room and turned around and said to me "I am glad we had dad cremated". BAM...where did that come from, I stood there not knowing what to say, so I listened, and I am glad I did. He proceeded to tell me that he was glad for several reasons. One, it was what Steve had wanted. Another reason was because he didn't want to go anywhere to grieve, and that he was glad he could grieve here at home. The last reason was one that I had really never thought about, he said that he was glad Steve was here at home with us because then on holidays we wouldn't have to go to the cemetery to visit him. WOW! His insight continues to amaze me. We all sat on the couch crying and sharing, sharing and crying and Sam got up and gave each of us a Kleenex...what a sweet soul. She may appear not to understand much, but this goes to show you that she understands much more than we may realize.

Tonight was another night about sharing. We were driving and talking about how life had changed and I told Spencer that it scares me to think that I have to do this whole parenting thing by myself, because parents often worry that they are going to do something wrong and mess up their child's life. I told him that once he got married and had children he would understand. He just looked at me with the most innocent eyes and said, "that is a worry I have, getting married and losing my wife too soon." Something I had never thought of, but how do you ease those fears. I can't tell him it won't happen, because who would have ever thought it would happen to us?? So I tell him the only thing I know and that is to trust God and know that even if their time is cut short his life will have been blessed.

As much as it pains me to see my children hurting it also is comforting to me that they share with me their inner most feelings. So we had a little detour and I am sure there will be more along this road, but I am so glad that we could sit and chat about it and know that we are here for each other....always.

Snow Day....

We were quite excited to get the call that we would not have school today. It's always nice extending your weekend. I held the kids off as long as I could...I have never been one to enjoy "playing" in the snow..being cold is not for me. After we got all suited up we headed out.....and then it hit me.... I went to get the shovel to start on the driveway while they played in the front yard..might as well make myself useful. For those of you who knew Steve and I mean really knew Steve, this won't surprise you...but our snow shovel, well it should have been thrown out years ago...but my frugal husband, never got rid of anything that he could still use. I just had to laugh and kept saying...we have to have another snow shovel around here somewhere. Spencer assured me we did not...and that this is what Steve always used. He even commented "now do you see why his back always hurt after he shoveled?". God love him.... I am sure that we will keep that shovel, and Spencer will use it with pride, and we will smile every time we use it, but I am seeing a new shovel in our future...Thanks Steve for the smiles today, we love and miss you lots!


If you look real close you can see that a good portion of the bottom of the shovel is missing from chipping away ice etc over the years. Love it!


Sydney was a big help too..We all pulled together and got it accomplished...crappy shovel and all..


Sam, well she wasn't much help, but she sure is cute...