Thanksgiving

Here we are, our 2nd Thanksgiving without Steve. I have read many places that often the 2nd year without your loved one is harder than the first. So far, I have to say it is true.

True for many reasons. I think the "numbness" has worn off and the fog has lifted that I was in the first year. Reality has set in and some people forget and move on, and if you are reading this, then you wouldn't be one of those people. The kids and I are still stuck in the nightmare of him never coming home.

However, through all of this I have to say that we are at peace. Do we like the fact that he will never walk through the door, go on vacation with us or sit down to dinner with us...ummmm NO. For so long now, I have been trying to put a finger on the feeling I was having inside. And I feel that peace is appropriate...I am at peace that God is in control and have put my faith in HIM, even though at times it is hard. I am at peace that I will see Steve again one day, but still wish I could see him everyday. I am at peace that I am an only parent, and rely on others to help me with this task. I have relinquished the fact that I can control things in my life and I am at peace. No this doesn't mean that I am all happy, happy, joy, joy...far from it. But when I get in those low, low places, it truly brings me to my knees and I pray. Pray for guidance and pray for peace. So while my heart still aches, God is touching us in ways unimaginable. So in true Thanksgiving style....

I am not blessed that Steve died so soon, however, I am stronger, more empathetic, and kinder since a huge piece of my heart was ripped from me and this makes me thankful for:

family, friends, church and a community that has embraced us and helped us to not feel alone.

for those who understand my crazy sense of humor and realize that if I didn't laugh, I would cry every single day.

for my beautiful children...for their unconditional love and for truly getting what it means to be a family. We are there for each other ALWAYS and FOREVER.

that I did have at least 16 years to share a love that many will never experience. To realize that true love is not what is portrayed in Soap Operas and that true love is HARD work.

all the wonderful memories that we made together to help us keep him alive in our hearts. What an amazing man he was, and I was blessed to be called his wife.

So while this 2nd year is difficult, I will continue to go to my knees and pray and lean on God to get me through this, because truly I do not know where I would be today if it wasn't for my faith, friends and family.

Saturdays are the hardest....

Maybe because we don't always have the hustle and bustle that weekdays bring, but truly Saturdays are the hardest...Saturday mornings in particular. This morning I awoke to a thousand things running through my head. One of them being Sam and the fact that we still don't have seizure control. This week I took a leap of faith, I contacted my primary care physician and ask they begin the procedures that need to be taken for me to take Sam "out of network". There has to be more for my sweet precious little girl...increasing medicine for me right now is not an option. Steve and I didn't make the commitment to go on the Ketogenic Diet to increase her medicine. And that is why this Saturday morning is so hard. While I have the counsel of some amazing people and I appreciate their opinions and support, it is the support and decisions that I made with Steve that I miss. That you are my soul mate, and so understand what I am feeling and hurt when I hurt kind of connection.

So say a prayer for me that a "second, third, or fourth" opinion is going to be what is needed to help Sam. I have also contacted St. Louis Children's Hospital as they are one of the top hospitals that deal with children with epilepsy, and they are the closest to us. Still waiting to hear back from them...but will be persistent until I do. I have however decided that if I need to go elsewhere I will. I have also contacted a nutritionist that is highly renowned for looking at blood samples and tweaking the diet to help become seizure free. No stone will be left unturned until I have answers for my precious baby girl.

We have our neuro appointment this week with her current doctor. Please pray that I have the courage and words to stand up to this neuro if he says he wants to increase her meds. Pray that he truly hears what I am saying and compromises with what I am wanting too. I am already dreading this appointment.

Watch out world this momma bear is on the prowl.