As we approach Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season, my heart aches. This is not how I had imagined life, and it hurts. I don't want to celebrate without Steve, yet I have to. This is the time of thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be thankful for there is still the raw pain of what isn't here. I will miss watching him help out in the kitchen at my parents house, before and after because he could never sit still. Their backyard won't be the same because he would always go out with the kids after the big meal and play soccer or football with them. And well, at his family's gathering, he was the cutter of the ham...and he would always sneak me a piece and leave just the right amount on the bone so Linda could make ham and beans for Mike later. His presence will be greatly missed at both gatherings, but his presence has been missed long before now....it's just with the "holiday" season it is magnified 1,00o + times.
Yes, I have so much to be thankful for...I have shelter, food, clothes, my kids, my family, and I was blessed to have a love for 16 years that many never experience in their lifetime. I not only had a husband, but a best friend and a soul mate. I am not thankful though that I have to continue on without him...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Packing up Memories
It's been a hard weekend and it's just now that I am fully feeling the effect from everything. What started out as a simple thought has truly rocked my world. We had a free weekend so I thought I would try and get some order to our basement. You have to understand that our basement was SCARY. The first part of July we had water in the basement after a big rain storm so everything quickly got shoved and moved...and well...it hadn't been dealt with until this weekend.
The first thing we had to do was put Steve's drums in their cases. Sounds simple, but it ripped my heart out...never again will I hear him play. My only hope is that one day Spencer will pull these out and bring back some sweet memories. Then the normal cleaning, tossing, hiding things in the trash from the kids, then I would run into some sweet memory when I least expected it. Pictures, notes to him, notes written by him...I just sat at stared at his handwriting...never again will I get a note from him...Fishing things he purchased to go fishing with a buddy in Canada...also secretly hoping to get his brother and dad there...a trip that never happened, running medals and his bib numbers..something he was so passionate about...but had to give up because of his knees. Notes written to him from Spencer and Sydney, notes from family members. It is all to hard, almost crushing at times. The final thing that I found...our notebooks from A Weekend to Remember conference and in them a "love" letter we had to write to each other. I want more love letters, I want more....and I can't have it.....so tonight my heart aches...
The first thing we had to do was put Steve's drums in their cases. Sounds simple, but it ripped my heart out...never again will I hear him play. My only hope is that one day Spencer will pull these out and bring back some sweet memories. Then the normal cleaning, tossing, hiding things in the trash from the kids, then I would run into some sweet memory when I least expected it. Pictures, notes to him, notes written by him...I just sat at stared at his handwriting...never again will I get a note from him...Fishing things he purchased to go fishing with a buddy in Canada...also secretly hoping to get his brother and dad there...a trip that never happened, running medals and his bib numbers..something he was so passionate about...but had to give up because of his knees. Notes written to him from Spencer and Sydney, notes from family members. It is all to hard, almost crushing at times. The final thing that I found...our notebooks from A Weekend to Remember conference and in them a "love" letter we had to write to each other. I want more love letters, I want more....and I can't have it.....so tonight my heart aches...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Frustration...
I have to start out saying that we have been truly blessed with all the love and support we have been given since Steve passed away. I could write pages upon pages about the out pouring of love that we have felt, and maybe one day I will do that. But today, I want to share with you a few that have not been so loving.
As I stated before in a much earlier post one of my biggest frustrations came with Sprint, the company in Steve worked for for many years. One of the incidences I did not write about is the following. A letter came addressed to Steve a week after his passing stating he needed to call a number as there had been some negotiations going on and that he was to receive some money dealing with his 4o1K he had with Sprint. So I spent 45 minutes on the phone with a very rude and uncaring woman. She would not tell me the amount, but gave me a list of things I needed to provide in order to get the money....death certificate, my mom's hair sample, blood, my right arm....ok so that is a little extreme, but I kid you not it was a list of 10 or more things...just what a widow wants to do right after the death of her husband. I questioned her on what would happen to the money if I did not send these things. She told me that a check would come to Steve for the amount...WHAT???? Why didn't you tell me this 5 minutes into the conversation so that we could be finished. Problem solved, check made out to him, deposit it and move on...I am in charge of his affairs. So yesterday I received that check in the mail. I was so shocked!!! Shocked because it was only for $1.34 and yes there is a decimal in there. So they wanted me to send a certified death certificate that cost me $13 for this money..Dumb, stupid people. I know there are rules and regulations, but come on...
So you see everyone needs a little grace in their life. You never know what someone may be going through. So maybe I should have given these people a little more grace, but, I guess you get what you give some times...
As I stated before in a much earlier post one of my biggest frustrations came with Sprint, the company in Steve worked for for many years. One of the incidences I did not write about is the following. A letter came addressed to Steve a week after his passing stating he needed to call a number as there had been some negotiations going on and that he was to receive some money dealing with his 4o1K he had with Sprint. So I spent 45 minutes on the phone with a very rude and uncaring woman. She would not tell me the amount, but gave me a list of things I needed to provide in order to get the money....death certificate, my mom's hair sample, blood, my right arm....ok so that is a little extreme, but I kid you not it was a list of 10 or more things...just what a widow wants to do right after the death of her husband. I questioned her on what would happen to the money if I did not send these things. She told me that a check would come to Steve for the amount...WHAT???? Why didn't you tell me this 5 minutes into the conversation so that we could be finished. Problem solved, check made out to him, deposit it and move on...I am in charge of his affairs. So yesterday I received that check in the mail. I was so shocked!!! Shocked because it was only for $1.34 and yes there is a decimal in there. So they wanted me to send a certified death certificate that cost me $13 for this money..Dumb, stupid people. I know there are rules and regulations, but come on...
So you see everyone needs a little grace in their life. You never know what someone may be going through. So maybe I should have given these people a little more grace, but, I guess you get what you give some times...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
God bless us, everyone...
Tonight was a joyous, yet very sad night. This was the annual fundraiser for the Lee Ann Britain Infant Development Center where Sam goes to school. This the place where Steve and I found a safe haven for our beautiful daughter that didn't quite fit the mold as most children. This is where we found hope. Hope....something most people have when they hold their precious baby in their arms, but for us, 3 years ago, we were not quite sure where life would lead us and they gave us back the hope that we needed.
This is the same center that has fully embraced us since Steve's death. God led us to them, and for that I will be forever thankful.
The fundraiser is truly one of the most AMAZING fundraisers I have ever attended. Rows upon rows of silent auction items and then several live auction items. I was doing fine while browsing the silent auction items. I bid and won the precious platter that has Sam's handprint on it, along with her classmates, in a shape of a Christmas tree. Will try and post pictures later, as it is too cute! It was time for dinner and we wound our way to the table. All of us sat, all 9 of us, leaving an empty seat...and that is when it hit me. Steve's seat was empty... There were many speakers giving their testimonies and it was so touching. Steve would have loved to have stood up there and told everyone what IDC has meant to us. He was Sam's biggest cheerleader. He LOVED taking her to school and looked forward to her "special days" when he got to be in the classroom with her. Sam's teacher's fondest memory of Steve was watching him in the dress up area with the kids...pink boa and all. He truly was a big kid at heart.
They call this fundraiser "Tiny Tim" and truly in the words of Tiny Tim...God bless us, everyone..For even through the dark hours and days we are blessed. Blessed with the family and friends that have embraced us, blessed with the Lee Ann Britain Center, blessed with God's love. It is during these difficult times that we can choose run or choose to grow in our faith. I choose the latter.
This is the same center that has fully embraced us since Steve's death. God led us to them, and for that I will be forever thankful.
The fundraiser is truly one of the most AMAZING fundraisers I have ever attended. Rows upon rows of silent auction items and then several live auction items. I was doing fine while browsing the silent auction items. I bid and won the precious platter that has Sam's handprint on it, along with her classmates, in a shape of a Christmas tree. Will try and post pictures later, as it is too cute! It was time for dinner and we wound our way to the table. All of us sat, all 9 of us, leaving an empty seat...and that is when it hit me. Steve's seat was empty... There were many speakers giving their testimonies and it was so touching. Steve would have loved to have stood up there and told everyone what IDC has meant to us. He was Sam's biggest cheerleader. He LOVED taking her to school and looked forward to her "special days" when he got to be in the classroom with her. Sam's teacher's fondest memory of Steve was watching him in the dress up area with the kids...pink boa and all. He truly was a big kid at heart.
They call this fundraiser "Tiny Tim" and truly in the words of Tiny Tim...God bless us, everyone..For even through the dark hours and days we are blessed. Blessed with the family and friends that have embraced us, blessed with the Lee Ann Britain Center, blessed with God's love. It is during these difficult times that we can choose run or choose to grow in our faith. I choose the latter.
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