A letter to mom from Sydney....

Dear Mom,
I love you very much!! I know losing dad is so hard living without him. You know what, he will always be with you and in your heart <3. I know what happened was very unexpected. I know it was a hard Christmas for our whole family.

Love you

Love Sydney



Well said Sydney, well said...

God's Plan

The other night we were blessed to come together as a family and go visit Steve's 105 year old grandma. We sang Christmas carols to her for almost 45 minutes. I don't know who enjoys us visiting more, us, her or the other residents in the nursing home. But I have to be honest, so far this season it has been one of the most heart wrenching events for me. First let me explain something, when you sing with the Gouldsmith's you don't just sing the melody, you harmonize. When my nephews and brother in law started to harmonize their part it was then that I realized our choir was one short a choir member and that I missed hearing Steve's voice in that choir. The choir Steve sings in now, I am sure is grand, but I sure do miss his voice now. That was heart wrenching event number one.

Heart wrenching event number two came on our way home. We were all pretty quiet and teary eyed. Spencer with tears flowing like a river looked at me and said "God doesn't answer all our prayers". My heart broke, this was the first time he had questioned God's love for us. I let him talk and share his feelings. You see every night Spencers prays to keep our family safe, and well in his eyes God didn't answer his prayer. After we said prayers that night I went back to Spencer's comment about prayers not being answered and tried my best at exlaining to him my thoughts. I told him that in our minds we have a plan how our life should turn out, but God also has a plan and that we don't always understand God's plan. I was honest and told him that I didn't like God's plan for us one bit, but I also believe that things happen to us to test our faith and to help us grow in our faith. He did agree with me that we as a family have grown in faith, not just us but our extended family too. As I sit and think about this event, it makes me wonder if I am "normal". For so many people have told me that at some point I will become angry with God. I haven't hit that stage and it is hard for me to imagine, because through all of the confusing times, He is the one thing that remains constant. I know I have said this before, but I do not know where I would be without my faith.

Today is Christmas Eve and I sit and reflect on what Christmas Eve is all about. How blessed we are as a people...He came for us, He died for us so that we may have eternal life. Steve is now living that eternal life and I feel so blessed to know that I too one day will have that eternal life and be reunited with him and get to sing in the choir with him....even if all I can do is sing the melody.

May you all have a Merry Christmas and remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas.

I have learned...

There has been so much that I have learned through this horrible tragedy. So much about myself and so much about others.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible, yet can crumble in a moments notice.

I have learned that many people reach out and lend a helping hand, while other sit by because they don't know how to offer help. Neither being right or wrong, just things that I have noticed.

I have learned that many people don't know what to say, and so some times they say dumb things that they later wish they could take back.

I have learned that people are funny creatures...we are all so unique with the way that we respond to others. There have been many times that I have been humbled beyond words to the generosity of those around us and frustrated by others because of their lack of compassion for those with an aching heart.

I have learned to let go of the little things that used to bother me, and trust me there is plenty...as I feel like I could author a book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", but that has already been written..

I have learned that I have to follow my heart and do what is right for myself and for my children, even if that isn't "popular" with everyone.

I have learned that I must continue to live in faith, even when it is hard.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it most and to accept help when it is offered.

But the main thing I have learned is that this is not a process but a journey....a journey that will have many detours, bumps, and break downs, but with God's grace we will make it through.

Happy Birthday Day Spencer!!

In honor of Spencer's 12th birthday on 12-12 here are 12 things I LOVE about him....

1. The silly noises he makes with his mouth
2. His bright blue eyes
3. Him using his code of "5638 U"
4. How he adores Sam
5. His willingness to play with Sydney, even if it doesn't interest him
6. His great love for God and the quest to understand and grow in his faith
7. His practical jokes, knock knock jokes and just plain silliness
8. The fact that he always give 110% and wants to do his best at whatever he tackles
9. The way he squeezes my hand when tears suddenly spring to my eyes
10. His tender heart and how quickly he can forgive
11. How he loves to help others
12. How much he looks and reminds me of his dad...sigh....

Spencer as I read through this list it makes me cry for many reasons. One, because you are growing up so quick and I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday you were dressing up in your snow gear, but only you were a fireman and you were putting out fires in my kitchen. There are so many great memories that I have of you, and truly I am enjoying watching you grow and mature into a wonderful young man. Another reason it makes me cry is because so many things on the list remind me of who your dad was, I am blessed to have a little piece of him here on earth still by having you. Please know that even though your dad is no longer with us physically, that he will always be with us. You are an amazing young man and I want you to know that we have always been proud of you. I love you more than you will ever know. Happy Birthday Buddy!

The Dance

Many nights are spent reading various things on the Internet. I belong to many blogs, one being called the Widow's Voice. Never thought I would be reading a blog about being a widow, well not at age 40... Anyway, many touch my heart, some make me sad for the people who write them as they seem so bitter and so lost. Tonight, as I read the blog, it was as if I could have written it...with a few minor changes...so rather than trying to recreate the "wheel", I thought I would give you the link.. http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/12/pain-vs.html

May you have many dances in your life and may God bless you abundantly.