What is the purpose?

They say everything happens for a reason, but some things are more difficult to understand than others.  It's been 2,555 days, or 7 years since I became a widow.  At 39 it was often difficult to understand why this would have happened to me, happened to my children.  While I still don't have a good grasp on this, there are things that I can sit and reflect on and know that without going through this I would not have had the opportunities that I have had.

While I started this blog originally to keep family and friends updated on Sam's progress when she started her diet, it quickly became a therapeutic outlet for me.  After Steve's passing I had all these emotions and feelings surging through me and I didn't know how to handle them, what to do with them.  Writing became my outlet.  It was for me.....little did I know the effect it would have on others who read my words.  If I have helped at least one person make their marriage better, embrace life, to let go of petty things, become a stronger person or just love more, then this has done far more than I could have ever imagined.

God has used me, used this tragedy to reach out to others going through something similar, to show anyone that when times get tough you can survive, you will survive. I know that without a doubt God has placed certain people in my life so that I can help them through their own tragedy.  I don't do anything phenomenal, I just am an example of what life can be like after tragedy strikes.   Sometimes I have done this gracefully, other times I have fallen flat on my face, but I get up and dust myself of and move on.

I have become an "expert" on many things because I am an "only" parent.  Finances, life insurance, financial aid for college, car repairs, home repairs, investing, special diets, allergies, plus many other things.  I am blessed by many mentors in all of these areas. I have learned so much and try to help others with this knowledge I gained from the school of hard knocks.

God has used this experience to change me as a person, to help me grow.  I've grown in my faith, been challenged by my faith.  I am hopeful I have helped others see that there are always blessings in your life, you just have to look for them.  He has also helped me see the importance of relationships.  I'm still navigating this area and I fail quite often.  While I know the importance of relationships, I often struggle with letting people get too close to me and often do things to push people away.  Is it a fear that they too will leave, I'm not sure.  I just know that it's a constant battle within me.  I appreciate those who have been constant and not left my side when I know that it would have been easier to leave.  Learning to love myself has been a tough road, but it is getting smoother as each day passes.

Are there other purposes as to why this happened? I'm not sure. While I still have questions as to why this happened, I will have to wait to get those answers.  God has a plan, I do believe that and I trust in Him.  He will reveal in His timing why all this happened.  For now, I will try to focus on the positive and take steps forward each day.

The Village He Created

Father's Day always makes me sit and reflect.  Today I sat and scrolled through Facebook posts seeing all the sweet and sentimental posts to each person's husband or their own father.  For me, as I sit and reflect on Father's Day, I truly don't know that I can make a post about all the father figures that have been such an influence in my children's lives, as I know I would forget someone.  While still seven years later I still wonder why this all happened I do believe that Steve laid a foundation and brought several people into our lives knowing what an integral part they would play in our children's lives.  I sit and think of all the men that have been and still are in their lives and see the influence they have had on us.  From teachers, coaches, counselors, uncles, cousins, grandpas, friends of the family to acquaintances, they have all played a very important role. Simple things like singing the National Anthem every time you see Sam, to Whistle Stop Fridays with Sydney, to helping Spencer fix his car, such simple things that have such a huge impact. As I have said before, this is one area I can't step up to...Men play a very special place in the lives of children. Every man has the possibility of making a difference in a child's life even if you are not their dad.  You can become a part of someone's village, don't sell yourself short, you have so much to contribute to a child's life....even if their dad is still alive.

  Steve created a village to make sure his kids would be ok....I am blessed by this village and have welcomed more into it since his passing.  So thank you to those who have been there for my kids.  Happy Father's Day to everyone who makes a difference in a child's life!

I Can't Fix This

A few weeks ago while scrolling through Facebook I came across an article by a widow entitled "I Can't Fix This".  I sat reading it, nodding and crying. There are moments in our life that I can't fix for my children and it's crushing.  One of those times happened this past weekend and I know several more will happen in the months to come as we are crossing some huge milestones.

Spencer attended his Senior Prom.  He was absolutely debonair. Looking at him was painful in a way for me as it reminded me so much of his dad.  I was so proud of myself as I held my composure....until I got in the car.  It seems I have many of conversations with Steve while driving.  This one went something like this..."You missed it...one of the biggest moments in his life, and you missed it.  You would be so proud of him.  He has turned into quite the gentleman."

This one...Wow...how much he resembles his dad.



Why I thought I was going to be the only one having a melt down I am not sure.  Spencer's came on Sunday as he was reflecting on his weekend.  His heart was probably heavier than mine....and I couldn't fix it...and that absolutely is one of the worst feelings. One of the things he said to me that truly knocked the wind out of me was when he said "dad doesn't know who I am".  What a true statement.  Spencer was a mere 11 when his dad passed, a child.  He is now a young adult with so much more experience and responsibility.  While he knows a pain most children his age do not, he also knows how to rise above situations and to make the most out of things.  He knows how to express what he is feeling and embraces those feelings.  He knows how to question things and knows that life is unfair but it is what you make of it that counts.  He knows that without a doubt his dad loved him with all his heart.  But most of all, Spencer knows how to love and what is most important in this life...and that is relationships.

As we approach graduation I know there are going to be many more moments that I can't fix. Spencer and I have decided to embrace what we can't change and try to make his dad a part of these moments in a fun way.  So if you see those disgusting orange circus peanuts at his graduation party you will know it's in honor of his dad.  Who knows maybe we will serve QuickTrip taquitos!