This picture was taken exactly 364 days ago....364 days... and in a blink of an eye our picture turned to this...
How crazy it is that your life can be turned upside down so quickly. 364 days ago we had been to the Royals game and enjoyed an evening with each other...it was an exciting game that they won at the very last moment and then we stayed for fireworks. It truly was a spectacular evening.
Then at 12:05 on Saturday, July 31st, I got that most horrific phone call from Sydney and our lives changed for ever. There were MANY days that I didn't know how I was going to survive. There were many tears that were shed. But we have survived and we still shed many tears.
It has been 364 days since I heard his laugh, looked into his beautiful blue eyes, kissed him, held his hand, snuggled up next to him in bed, and was wrapped in one of his wonderful hugs. You truly don't realize how much you miss hugs and kisses until they are taken from you forever....well at least from the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.
Have I grown as a person....sure...but if I am honest with myself and honest to God...I would be perfectly fine if I didn't grow. Have I learned some things that I never knew.....yep...but again...I was pretty content in my life before, just didn't realize how good I had it.
So let me answer the questions that everyone either wants to ask or they do ask.... 1. "So, how are you doing?" 2. "How are the kids doing?"
1. How am I doing...well I guess as good as anyone who has lost the love of their life. There are good days and there are bad days. We still laugh and smile and joke around because that is what Steve would have wanted. He LOVED life. And sometimes I worry what people think when the kids and I are smiling and laughing.......NO we haven't forgotten him, and YES there is still heartache and we still miss him with every ounce of our beings. There are times, like right now, that I just sit and cry because he is not here. There are times that I fall apart and crumble. There are moments that catch me off guard. But in the big picture I know that I WILL see him one day again, and that brings me so much peace.
2. The kids...they are what has helped pull me through all of this. Because of them, I get out of bed every morning. Because of them, I make better choices. Because of them I smile and laugh and act silly. (who couldn't smile when you hear Sam giggle). But take me out of the picture and you ask how they are. Well honestly they are doing pretty good. Their perspective is pretty awesome and they are so strong in their faith that it has helped them. Are their days/times that they break down and cry...sure...and their will be for some time. Yes, they are in counseling, and yes they will remain in counseling until they feel like they don't need it anymore, which could be a long time because they LOVE Coach Barry their counselor.
Truly I know that I would not be where I am in this journey if I didn't have the love and support from family, friends and my church. I know through the year I have made some decisions that probably weren't right, but was given grace. I know that I have done things that people questioned, but I did them any way because it was what I felt was right for myself and for my kids. I have questioned myself on the whole grief process...am I doing it right, what happens if I don't do it right, etc. I have never been angry at God, and that worried me until my pastor told me that some people don't go through every stage. Now yes I realize that I may go through this stage later, but I would have figured that at some point during these past 364 days that I would have hit that stage.
So as we hit day 365 my heart is heavy because I miss him like crazy. Because I think of all the things he has missed and all the future things he will miss. Because I want him here so I can tell him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate all that he did for myself and for our family. Please continue to pray for us as we still need them. So, very soon it will be 366 days...do I think it will be any easier..NOPE. But I know that I am blessed to have the love and support by so many. Much love to all.
