1,095 Days And Counting

When I say he's been gone 3 years that is hard, but to see that I have survived over 1,000 days without him is crazy. There is always dread and anticipation leading up to this day....I start reliving what we were doing and the conversations we had and the memories make me cry.

I reflect back on the journey I have been on these last three years and know that it is because of the grace of God that we are where we are at in this journey because of him. I have always been open and honest with the thoughts and feelings I have experienced through this whole ordeal. While some struggle with my raw honesty it is my hopes that I can help anyone going through a struggle that while difficult, they too can make it through. It is because I try to embrace the feelings we go through that I feel my children are where they are at in this journey. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't remember him in some way. For me, just looking at my children is a constant reminder....what a blessing.

Trust me, we still have our bad days... The "I didn't sign up to do this alone" when Sam is giving me fits with her meals or behaviors, when Spencer is trying to assert his teenage independence or when Sydney gets the sassy attitude .... It's more than I can take some days and get mad because I am having to do this alone. There are days I wonder if my children's behavior is normal kid stuff or if they are going through emotions because of the loss of their dad. None the less, I still have to help them through their feelings.... By myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have an amazing support system but parenting my children I do on my own. While I may seek the advice from others it is still me that has to enforce, love and discipline these sweet souls. I often wonder how Steve thinks I am doing and wish that there was some way for me to know. His opinion always mattered to me.... And still does to this day. I want to make him proud.

Marriage Reflections

 

 

Yesterday came and went and memories flooded my mind.  It would have been our nineteenth anniversary... would have.... There were happy tears, sad tears and thoughts of would have's and could have's.  When I reflect back on my marriage there are so many emotions.  Our first year of marriage, I truly didn't know if we were "meant" for each other.  Had we fallen into the trap of "we are leaving college, so we better find someone to spend the rest of our lives with"?  To say our first year of marriage was hard, that is an understatement.  It was such a learning experience for both of us.  As the years went by, we learned how to truly become one...Well for the most part... we had our set backs and we liked to push each other's buttons, but it made our relationship exciting.  I have to admit that I was a naïve young lady, I truly thought marriage should be similar to what was in the movies and on TV...to an extent.  I never really understood that marriage truly is work...hard work.  It was a full time job.  Once I realized this, it truly made our marriage better.  There were times when we both would get busy and not "work" at our relationship and that is when the problems would arise.  It was a vicious cycle...I wouldn't give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't give me what I wanted...and around and around it would go.  Once we both put one another first, that cycle was broken and harmony came to our marriage.  The last few years together truly were some of the best we spent together....it took so much time fine tuning what we had.  There were many times that either of us could have thrown in the towel and walked out the door but we stuck it out...we took a vow and made a commitment.  I think society makes it too easy to walk away...are there times it needs to happen, absolutely, but so many times, people quit when it gets too hard.  I think about different things that have happened in my life and what has made me grow the most is during the times when things are "hard".  I get stretched in so many directions but come out a stronger person because of the circumstances.  I feel so blessed that I didn't give up on our marriage, that we stuck it out even if it was only for 16 years together.  We had such a unique relationship that many may not understand, but with out a doubt we loved each other from the depths of our souls.  There is not a thing we wouldn't do for each other.  So what helped us get to that point in our marriage?  Several things.. the most important one...prayer...and lots of it...Prayer together, prayer alone, and prayer as a family.  I didn't grow up praying and this one was hard for me...was I supposed to talk out loud, or to myself....God doesn't care...He hears it any way you want to call out to him.  Another way, was by seeking counsel from people who had been there done that.  We joined marriage groups at church and even led some later in our marriage. It amazes me how many people struggle in their marriage and don't want to admit it or reach out for help. God put us on this earth together for a reason.  There were books that we read... The 5 Love Languages and Love and Respect are just 2 of many that helped us.  Once the kids arrived, we had to truly schedule time to sit and talk.  Marriage takes true concerted effort. While I had 16 years with him, I get sad and teary eyed thinking how great 20, 25, 50 years would have been with him.  Do I feel ripped off....absolutely.  But I know that I am blessed.  God has a plan for me....not quite sure what that plan is, but I do trust him 100%.  So for now, I will just continue to be transparent in hopes that I might help someone else... because we aren't meant to do life alone.