Memories..the good, the bad and the ugly..

Hard to believe that tomorrow marks the 2 year mark that I at age 39 became a widow.  That is 730 days that I have spent by myself raising my three precious babies.  What a trip it has been.  Truly the first year I think was a HUGE fog, I truly don't remember much about it, I was literally numb and in disbelief.  The second year has been pretty difficult I can't lie.  The numbness has worn off and the fog has lifted and I have had to face the fact that he is gone.  But there have also been more happy days than sad, and for that I am greatful.  There are still times that catch me off guard and bring me to my knees.  I truly feel blessed for where we are now.  We have become a pretty close knit family...yes we still argue and get on each other nerves, but the bond is so hard to explain to someone that hasn't expereinced having something ripped from them.  We are all pretty protective and compassionate for one another.  I am blessed with the most amazing kids! 

I wasn't a perfect wife, but I was perfect for him, however, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my marriage and what I would do differently if I had a second chance with Steve. I can remember when we decided to have children so many people told us to make sure that we took time for each other and that we continued to date one another and to keep the spark alive.  Sadly, we didn't listen to this advice....Don't get me wrong, we didn't have a horrible marriage, but I sit and wonder how AWESOME it could have been if we would have made a few small adjustments.  I challenge you to sit and think where your marriage struggles at times and try and make a few small adjustments to make your marriage and even better marriage. And if you are single, divorced, or an only parent, think about what has gone wrong in previous relationships and what you can and will do when the right person comes along.  Why do we stop learning and growing in our love relationships?  Why do we become so complacent?  I mean this is a person we want to spend eternity with, why wouldn't you want it to be the best that it could be?  Pray daily for your relationships.

Another area that I feel I have grown in is that I truly try not to sweat the small stuff.....maybe a little too much to a fault.  Losing someone you love tends to put life into perspective.  It truly drives me crazy to see people get so wrapped up in the petty stuff.  While I have had a horrific thing happen to me, I refuse to let that comsume me...I choose to see all the blessings I have in my life.  I do still have an occasional poor pitty me day, but I think we all do.  But mostly I try to remember what is truly important in life and that is the relationships that you have with people.  Focus on people----people.

As more time goes by it is harder in some ways because you close chapters in your life that once contained that person and begin new ones that don't have them in it.  I often catch myself thinking was that before or after Steve died...and that makes me sad.  As I sit and type this tonight I cry because I know exactly what I was doing 2 years ago at this time and know that in just a few short hours it was all taken away.  I am a much different person that I was 2 years ago...and I will never be that person again. 

As July 31st gets here tomorrow...do me a favor...LOVE and I mean LOVE the people in your life unconditionally and give them grace.  Don't try and change them into the person you want them to be, love them for who they are and make small changes to improve your relationships.  And....if you live near a QuikTrip....go and have a Chicken Taquito in Steve's honor. Why a Chicken Taquito??? Well, it wasn't until I started going through all his receipts that I realized how much Steve loved them, or was it because it was a cheap meal?  That will be one question I will ask him when I get to heaven.

As for the kids and I....I think my friend Kathy said it best...We are thriving....because of God's love and the love of all those around us.  Thank you to all who continue to help, pray and support us.  We will continue to do so because that's how we roll....in Steve's honor.

You never know....

what you have till it's gone....how true that saying is. It was 18 years ago today that I married the love of my life. I have so, so, many good memories from the 16 years I got to spend with him and I have 3 beautiful children to remind me of the love we shared.. For that I am blessed. I have wanted to write about something for quite some time but couldn't find the right words as I worry about offending people with my posts. But truly I write to help me but also in hopes that I will help others learn from what I have been through. So here it goes.... As I approach the two year mark there are many things I miss about having a husband. There are many things that I took for granted and many things I feel guilty about...you know the whole if I had my life to live over what would I do different list. One that is pretty prominent right now is that I wouldn't take our physical relationship for granted. From kissing to... Well you know... Truly I miss the closeness a kiss brings, both physically and emotionally. I truly have come to realize that at least with Steve and I, I showed my love for him emotionally and his expression of love was the other. Maybe more information than you care to know, but I have a feeling this doesn't just apply to my marriage. So while at times I was frustrated because I didn't think he showed his love for me... He really was, just not the way I thought he should. I wanted words..verbal or written that expressed his love for me. While he wanted me to express to him my love in his way...talk about miss communication. So I urge all you women to take heed...take time, step away and let him express his love for you in his way... There truly are different love languages and sometimes it's good to learn a different language.