Light a candle....

I have to say that I felt that I was doing pretty good going into this second Christmas without Steve. Pretty good until our church service tonight. As we lit candles my pastor talked about the darkness that many people face in their lives, and boy have I faced darkness. There were times when I know that the devil had a hold on my heart, but then there was light. I hurt for all those people out there that don't see the light and hope that Jesus has for us. You see my tears are for a few reasons, one being that I am no longer building that faith with Steve, but mostly because of how many people just don't get it. They focus on the negative and forget to look at all the blessings they do have in their lives...they truly don't see and "light" in their lives.

I am not a strong person, but I am strong in my faith. The only reason I have gotten as far as I have is because someone has carried me. Truly how blessed I am this CHRISTmas. Let us all try and be a light in someones life this season.

It's the little things....

that can bring me to tears in a moments notice. There have been numerous times lately that I have been told "we will be thinking of you this holiday season". And trust me holidays are difficult, but when we focus on the traditions and spending time with family they are much more bearable than one would think. But truly it is the little things that bring me to tears. For instance, on Wednesday it was dress up day at Spencer's school. He decided he wanted to wear a shirt and tie...no problem...have the shirt and clip on tie...we are good to go, until the clip on tie breaks, and well it was too short. So Spencer decides he wants to wear one of Steve's tie, which brings a smile to my face. But also brought me to tears....not because it was Steve's tie, but because I have NO FREAKING clue how to tie a tie. Spencer "googled" it and was trying to teach himself. He ran out of time before he had to leave for school. I kissed him good bye and sent the tie with him telling him to find someone to help. The door closed behind him and the tears fell from my eyes. I sent him a text that said "So sorry I don't know how to tie a tie. Makes me sad as the best person to teach you never got the chance. Love you tons". So it's the little things that hurt the most, those things that catch you off guard and make you realize the huge hole that is left in every one's lives.

On a good note though, there are good people out there....thanks to Aunt Laura for finding a teacher at school to help him get it tied.

A lesson to learn from me...

While this has been on my heart for quite some time, I haven't written about it because I didn't truly know where to start. So forgive me if this doesn't make sense. While going through this grief process there are many things that I miss about Steve, his smile,his beautiful blue eyes, his voice, his quirkyness, his touch. While there are somethings I can do to ease the pain there are some things I can't do and yearn for. I can watch videos to hear his voice, look at pictures to see his beautiful smile or watch Spencer for the silliness. But his touch is something I cannot find in anything left behind. The touch of my children's hugs are not the same as the hugs that he would give me. Sleeping with my children does not even compare to being next to him. So many things that I took for granted....the hug to make me feel safe and secure, the reaching over to hold my hand while he was driving, the shoulder rub while I was fixing dinner. I truly never realized how important the human touch was until I know longer had it....from the one I loved and the one who loved me.

So please learn from me, cherish the touch....for it can never be replaced.

Pray for me....

because I am now a mom to a teenager! Truly I can't believe that it has been 13 years ago that God entrusted Steve and I with a child. We truly have been blessed.

13 Things I love about Spencer:

1. The way he texts me before he gets to school with our secret code
2. His beautiful blue eyes he got from his dad
3. The way he loves to scare people, but hates to be scared himself
4. His love for learning (a teacher's dream :0))
5. The fact that he isn't afraid to try something new
6. How big his heart is for others, but most of all for Sam.
7. His deep seeded faith.
8. The positive outlook on life, even when things are rotten.
9. How he loves to tell stories about his dad to make us smile and remember.
10. His beautiful smile that lights up an entire room.
11. His compassion for others, even those he doesn't know.
12. Doing things to honor his dad, and his dad's memory.
13. His understanding of what truly is important in this life.

Spencer truly is one of the most amazing young men I have been around. Sure, he's my son and I am supposed to say that, but truly he has a heart of gold and I am blessed to call him my son.