I sit here in disbelief that 10 years have passed since I last saw him, heard his laugh, saw his smile, or hugged him. There are days that it feels like it was just yesterday that I got a phone call from Sydney telling me he was hurt and then there are days that it is hard to remember if events happened before or after he had passed. I hate measuring time in that way. Ten years later I still don't understand why he was taken so soon, why my kids have had to grow up without their dad. I do know and trust that God has a plan and one day it will all be revealed to me.
When I originally started this blog, it was used to update family and friends about Sam's diet. It quickly became an outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings about his passing. I didn't want his death to be in vain, I wanted people to learn how to truly live because it wasn't until after he died and I reflected on our marriage that I realized how I could have made our lives so much better. I thought if I could help just one person, then it was all worth it. Many of my posts have been very raw and honest. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to recap 10 things I have learned these past 10 years.
1. The first year you are numb, you don't feel, you barely exist. People tell you that you are so strong, yet you know it takes every ounce of strength to get through some days, and you have no choice to be strong. Year 2 is harder than the first year because the numbness wears off and reality sets in. I didn't let the pain turn me into something ugly, I used it to show that surviving can be something beautiful.
2. Without my faith, I would not be where I am today. I know that it is God who has carried me through my darkest days, yet also helped me to find the blessings in things.
3. Not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same way, nor do they deal with grief the same way. While we don't take Steve's death lightly, we honor him by continuing to see the good and humor in life. Anyone who knew Steve knows that he loved a good practical joke, loved to laugh and had a sense of humor like none other. I am positive that he is laughing at us from heaven about our sense of humor...even if it catches some here on earth off guard.
4. Even after 10 years, we still want you to say his name, tell us stories about him. Death doesn't erase his life, or the life we made with him. It warms our hearts when people share stories, or tell of dreams he has appeared in for them. He may be gone but he is ingrained in who we are, that will never change.
5. Appreciate the small things that people do to make your life easier. Honestly, sit down by yourself some time and think about what life would be like without them. What would you miss? What would you remember about them? Oh my goodness I could write about things that absolutely drove me crazy that he did. But what I remember is his bright smile, the way his eyes would light up when he was with the kids. How he would help anyone to lighten their load. His genuineness. He loved life and loved people. You have to love them where they are at....even if it isn't how you think they should be. I am an on-time person....and anyone who knew Steve knows he was not....he squeezed out every moment he could before he left to make it where he needed to be...thus making him late 99% of the time. We aren't the same as everyone else, remember that and embrace it...what I would give to be late somewhere now that I reflect. Focus on the positive things they do for you, look for the simple things. Truly stop and see the simple things they do for you on a daily basis. I never realized how much he did until he was gone. Simple things like taking the trash out, mowing the yard, laundry, finances, cleaning up after dinner, car repairs, and going to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I knew he did these, but I didn't TRULY appreciate them until they were piled on my plate after he passed. How much better my marriage could have been if I made sure he knew I appreciated even the minute things he did to make our lives easier.
6. Kids are resilient. I know that I would not be where I am at if it was not for my children. Not going to lie...it was scary as hell at the beginning knowing I was the ONLY parent and they were looking to me on how to do life now that their dad had passed. Unfortunately, my kids had to grow up a little quicker than most kids their age. They had more responsibilities because I couldn't do it alone. However, that came in profitable when Spencer went to college and charged people to show them how to do their laundry. LOL They have been my rock when I fell apart and they have given me grace when I failed as a parent. They see the importance of family and sacrifice some of their social events to be with family. They use their sense of humor to help friends see how blessed they are to have their parents, even if they are driving them crazy.
7. When the going gets tough, you truly find out who is in your corner. I am blessed to have an amazing tribe to help me through this thing called life. There are many who have helped, many who are still helping, and many that I haven't met yet that will help me navigate the roads in the future. God has placed people in my life to help carry the load and for that, I am forever grateful.
8. There are still days it hurts. There are still days I cry. There are still days that I wonder why all this happened. There are days that I know will stir my emotions, yet there are days out of the blue that has rocked me to the core. That's because we loved and miss him and hate that he is missing out on the time with us. We don't move on from grief, we move forward. Not all wounds are meant to heal, we can and will be sad and happy. We can be grieving and love in the same moment of time. The heart is capable of amazing love, especially after loss.
9. Intimacy.... it is a must in your marriage/relationship. Please don't confuse intimacy with sex. I have sat back and reflected on what I could have done to make my marriage better. And this sadly is one area that I flat out FAILED. I remember when we first got married so many people told us to make sure we continued to go on dates.....we didn't. When we had children people told us to make sure we took time for just us.....we didn't. People told us to make sure we were a priority to one another...the kids came before Steve 90% of the time a huge mistake on my part....I own it...not proud of it, but I own it. People told us to make sure we took time to talk and connect each day...but life...life got in the way. All of this took a toll on intimacy. Kisses became pecks on the checks, holding hands became less frequent, romantic getaways or dates became almost nonexistent. I love yous became a habit and not truly said with the meaning it used to be. Did I love him and he love me, absolutely, but I know now that the depth of our relationship was not as deep as it could have been. It takes effort....oh so much effort to keep that intimacy. Cherish your relationships.
10. Even though this tragedy, I am blessed on so many levels. Blessed by the relationships I have my with kids, family, and friends. Blessed that Steve had the forthright vision to have Life Insurance. I encourage to you please take a look a this...had Steve not been adamant about setting up something outside of what our employers offered I would have lost my house and been living paycheck to paycheck. It is truly worth the investment. Blessed by those who have helped me navigate uncharted water...financial planning, cars, taxes, home improvements, boy scouts, violin repairs, coffee dates, and so many other things. Your knowledge and patience do not go unnoticed.
While this has been a HUGE mountain to climb, I truly make a conscious choice to "sing" because singing does make more sense. I choose to feel blessed, I choose to feel grateful, I choose to be excited, I choose to be thankful, I choose to be happy because anything less would be a dishonor to Steve. We promised each other while on vacation in June of 2010 that if something were to happen to one of us that we would find happiness in life and to live life to the fullest. I have had struggled with this over the years, but I am finally jumping some of those hurdles. While we may find happiness, we will never forget the happiness he brought to our lives.
What our family looked like 10 years ago...
While he may be missing from this picture, he is not missing from our hearts and who we are. He was one of the greatest gifts of our lives and we will cherish every memory of him, today, tomorrow, and always. We will continue to honor what was and live for what is. Much love to all!
