Happy Birthday Sydney!!!!

I cannot even believe that it has been 10 years since I gave birth to my first daughter. Ten years...WOW! It seems like yesterday that the nurse was holding me off because the doctor wasn't there to deliver and they had called in a doctor from the ER...who told me he had read about how to deliver a baby. But just in the nick of time my doctor rushed in and delivered this sweet precious baby...

The top 10 things I love about Sydney.....

1. Her flair for fashion

2. How she wears her heart on her sleeve..she is so caring and compassionate to others...two legged and four legged....

3. The strength she possess when things are hard

4. Her love for her "babies" and how she cares for them....she is going to be an awesome mom one day.

5. The beautiful smile she wears that lights up any room

6. How she stands up for what she believes in, even if it isn't popular with everyone else

7. The many "I love you's" before she goes to sleep.

8. Her quick wit and silly sense of humor.

9. Her hugs...she has the most embracing and wonderful hugs a mom could ever want.

10. The love she has for her dad and how she talks with me about missing him.

Sydney,
You truly are a beautiful person on the inside and out. We are truly blessed by being able to call you our child. I am so glad God entrusted us with you. What a bright spot you are each and every day. I love you more than you will EVER know. Thank you for being you!!!
Love,
Mom

Light a candle....

I have to say that I felt that I was doing pretty good going into this second Christmas without Steve. Pretty good until our church service tonight. As we lit candles my pastor talked about the darkness that many people face in their lives, and boy have I faced darkness. There were times when I know that the devil had a hold on my heart, but then there was light. I hurt for all those people out there that don't see the light and hope that Jesus has for us. You see my tears are for a few reasons, one being that I am no longer building that faith with Steve, but mostly because of how many people just don't get it. They focus on the negative and forget to look at all the blessings they do have in their lives...they truly don't see and "light" in their lives.

I am not a strong person, but I am strong in my faith. The only reason I have gotten as far as I have is because someone has carried me. Truly how blessed I am this CHRISTmas. Let us all try and be a light in someones life this season.

It's the little things....

that can bring me to tears in a moments notice. There have been numerous times lately that I have been told "we will be thinking of you this holiday season". And trust me holidays are difficult, but when we focus on the traditions and spending time with family they are much more bearable than one would think. But truly it is the little things that bring me to tears. For instance, on Wednesday it was dress up day at Spencer's school. He decided he wanted to wear a shirt and tie...no problem...have the shirt and clip on tie...we are good to go, until the clip on tie breaks, and well it was too short. So Spencer decides he wants to wear one of Steve's tie, which brings a smile to my face. But also brought me to tears....not because it was Steve's tie, but because I have NO FREAKING clue how to tie a tie. Spencer "googled" it and was trying to teach himself. He ran out of time before he had to leave for school. I kissed him good bye and sent the tie with him telling him to find someone to help. The door closed behind him and the tears fell from my eyes. I sent him a text that said "So sorry I don't know how to tie a tie. Makes me sad as the best person to teach you never got the chance. Love you tons". So it's the little things that hurt the most, those things that catch you off guard and make you realize the huge hole that is left in every one's lives.

On a good note though, there are good people out there....thanks to Aunt Laura for finding a teacher at school to help him get it tied.

A lesson to learn from me...

While this has been on my heart for quite some time, I haven't written about it because I didn't truly know where to start. So forgive me if this doesn't make sense. While going through this grief process there are many things that I miss about Steve, his smile,his beautiful blue eyes, his voice, his quirkyness, his touch. While there are somethings I can do to ease the pain there are some things I can't do and yearn for. I can watch videos to hear his voice, look at pictures to see his beautiful smile or watch Spencer for the silliness. But his touch is something I cannot find in anything left behind. The touch of my children's hugs are not the same as the hugs that he would give me. Sleeping with my children does not even compare to being next to him. So many things that I took for granted....the hug to make me feel safe and secure, the reaching over to hold my hand while he was driving, the shoulder rub while I was fixing dinner. I truly never realized how important the human touch was until I know longer had it....from the one I loved and the one who loved me.

So please learn from me, cherish the touch....for it can never be replaced.

Pray for me....

because I am now a mom to a teenager! Truly I can't believe that it has been 13 years ago that God entrusted Steve and I with a child. We truly have been blessed.

13 Things I love about Spencer:

1. The way he texts me before he gets to school with our secret code
2. His beautiful blue eyes he got from his dad
3. The way he loves to scare people, but hates to be scared himself
4. His love for learning (a teacher's dream :0))
5. The fact that he isn't afraid to try something new
6. How big his heart is for others, but most of all for Sam.
7. His deep seeded faith.
8. The positive outlook on life, even when things are rotten.
9. How he loves to tell stories about his dad to make us smile and remember.
10. His beautiful smile that lights up an entire room.
11. His compassion for others, even those he doesn't know.
12. Doing things to honor his dad, and his dad's memory.
13. His understanding of what truly is important in this life.

Spencer truly is one of the most amazing young men I have been around. Sure, he's my son and I am supposed to say that, but truly he has a heart of gold and I am blessed to call him my son.

Thanksgiving

Here we are, our 2nd Thanksgiving without Steve. I have read many places that often the 2nd year without your loved one is harder than the first. So far, I have to say it is true.

True for many reasons. I think the "numbness" has worn off and the fog has lifted that I was in the first year. Reality has set in and some people forget and move on, and if you are reading this, then you wouldn't be one of those people. The kids and I are still stuck in the nightmare of him never coming home.

However, through all of this I have to say that we are at peace. Do we like the fact that he will never walk through the door, go on vacation with us or sit down to dinner with us...ummmm NO. For so long now, I have been trying to put a finger on the feeling I was having inside. And I feel that peace is appropriate...I am at peace that God is in control and have put my faith in HIM, even though at times it is hard. I am at peace that I will see Steve again one day, but still wish I could see him everyday. I am at peace that I am an only parent, and rely on others to help me with this task. I have relinquished the fact that I can control things in my life and I am at peace. No this doesn't mean that I am all happy, happy, joy, joy...far from it. But when I get in those low, low places, it truly brings me to my knees and I pray. Pray for guidance and pray for peace. So while my heart still aches, God is touching us in ways unimaginable. So in true Thanksgiving style....

I am not blessed that Steve died so soon, however, I am stronger, more empathetic, and kinder since a huge piece of my heart was ripped from me and this makes me thankful for:

family, friends, church and a community that has embraced us and helped us to not feel alone.

for those who understand my crazy sense of humor and realize that if I didn't laugh, I would cry every single day.

for my beautiful children...for their unconditional love and for truly getting what it means to be a family. We are there for each other ALWAYS and FOREVER.

that I did have at least 16 years to share a love that many will never experience. To realize that true love is not what is portrayed in Soap Operas and that true love is HARD work.

all the wonderful memories that we made together to help us keep him alive in our hearts. What an amazing man he was, and I was blessed to be called his wife.

So while this 2nd year is difficult, I will continue to go to my knees and pray and lean on God to get me through this, because truly I do not know where I would be today if it wasn't for my faith, friends and family.

Saturdays are the hardest....

Maybe because we don't always have the hustle and bustle that weekdays bring, but truly Saturdays are the hardest...Saturday mornings in particular. This morning I awoke to a thousand things running through my head. One of them being Sam and the fact that we still don't have seizure control. This week I took a leap of faith, I contacted my primary care physician and ask they begin the procedures that need to be taken for me to take Sam "out of network". There has to be more for my sweet precious little girl...increasing medicine for me right now is not an option. Steve and I didn't make the commitment to go on the Ketogenic Diet to increase her medicine. And that is why this Saturday morning is so hard. While I have the counsel of some amazing people and I appreciate their opinions and support, it is the support and decisions that I made with Steve that I miss. That you are my soul mate, and so understand what I am feeling and hurt when I hurt kind of connection.

So say a prayer for me that a "second, third, or fourth" opinion is going to be what is needed to help Sam. I have also contacted St. Louis Children's Hospital as they are one of the top hospitals that deal with children with epilepsy, and they are the closest to us. Still waiting to hear back from them...but will be persistent until I do. I have however decided that if I need to go elsewhere I will. I have also contacted a nutritionist that is highly renowned for looking at blood samples and tweaking the diet to help become seizure free. No stone will be left unturned until I have answers for my precious baby girl.

We have our neuro appointment this week with her current doctor. Please pray that I have the courage and words to stand up to this neuro if he says he wants to increase her meds. Pray that he truly hears what I am saying and compromises with what I am wanting too. I am already dreading this appointment.

Watch out world this momma bear is on the prowl.