God Gained Another Angel

Just when you think that your heart has healed a little, you get knocked down again.  Steve's mom, Maxine, passed away on Tuesday, December 17th.  I received a phone call around 2:30 am from his dad informing me that she had gone to be with Steve.  Nothing ever prepares you for death....nothing...  I sat and cried the rest of the night...went through pictures on my phone and computer....as memories rushed through my head.  The only solace I have is that Steve met her at the gates of heaven...that I am for sure.  And I am pretty sure that she hasn't let go of him yet.  Her visitation was Friday evening and at best guess there were over 400 people there to honor her...what a true testimony.  Maxine loved everyone where they were at...never judgmental...just loving and giving.  God truly gained an angel a week a go... Please pray for the family as we once again start the grieving process.  

Spencer turns 15!!!

I am a little late on this post...it's been a crazy month to say the least.  On December 12th Spencer turned 15...It still amazes me that he can be this old and I often wonder if my mom feels the same way when my birthday comes around.

In honor of Spencer's birthday here are the 15 things that I love about him....

1.  His beautiful blue eyes....they remind me so much of his dad's eyes
2.  The quirky sense of humor...he can make me smile even when I don't feel like it..
3.  How he understands that while what he has endured in life, that others can learn from him and that he isn't afraid to share his feelings.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SH__RC6NaQ
4.  The text messages I get every morning telling me to have a good day...with all the silly emoticons.
5.  His new brace free smile
6.  That even when things don't go exactly as he had hoped, he learns from the situation and makes the most of it...trusting in God that he knows what he is doing
7.  That even when we don't get along he knows that I love him...but that I don't always like what he does, as he can quote this back to me....
8.  His musical talents...ummm got these from the Gouldsmith side for sure...
9.  His tender heart...especially when it comes to Sam.
10.  While he loves to tease and torment Sydney he would be the first in line to stand up for her and protect her.
11.  How he truly gets how important family is in life.
12.  How he does things to honor his dad's memory but understands that his dad would want him to be his own person.
13.  How he has to figure things out on his own, in his own time.
14.  How he can reach out and squeeze my hand to comfort me at just the right time.
15.  That he is SO excited that in a year he will get to drive....sniff sniff...

Spencer Cole, I love you with all my heart....I am so proud of you and fail to tell you this enough I am sure.  Love you to Neptune and beyond...Love you for always...

Happy Birthday Sweet Sam!

Sam was supposed to be here on October 10th... the only child of mine that was almost born on their actual due date.  She has taught us so much about life from the get go.  She spent the first few days of her life in the NICU.....weighing 8 pounds she was huge compared to the other babies in there.  Her stay was brief in comparison to many babies...only 4 days.  She was not breathing out of the left side of her nose so they whisked her away pretty quick after she was born.  I learned very quickly to slow down and appreciate the small things in life, to celebrate even the small successes.  Over the years she has taught me patience... patience with her, patience with doctors, patience with myself and patience with God's timing.  I have always said she was a puzzle from the get go, and slowly we are finding and placing all those pieces together.  Her dear sweet dad cried the day she was born.  He was a sweet and loving dad and she had him wrapped around his finger.  I am grateful for those sweet memories. 

In honor of her turning 8 here are the 8 things I love about Sam!

1.  Her shirt reads "Love Your Life"....and that Sam does...
2.  She has the most infectious giggle that warms your heart
3.  Snuggles our cat is her favorite...shhhh don't tell the dogs. Sam's first place to go in the morning is to find Snuggles...then she lays on her, beside her, near her....
4.  I love the way she says "horse", "football" and so many other words I never thought I would hear
5.  I love how she takes things in stride, there isn't much that bothers her...a cast/boot on your foot for almost a year, surgery on both feet...no problem..
6. Sam loves to be tickled, to tickle others and to have others tickle each other....it doesn't matter if she knows you or not....don't believe me...ask Dr. Gupta and his nurse.
7.  While most of the time it is frustrating from my end, I love the fact that she is starting to show independence and take control of her life....just wished it didn't involve holding food in her mouth, climbing on the island...Small successes...I need to remember that!
8. And last but not least I love that her whole face lights up when she smiles....it can warm your soul

Sam may not have very many words, but she says so much with her eyes, smile and actions.  She is one smart little cookie.  I am blessed that she calls me mom.....or mama.... Happy Birthday Sweet Sam!



1,095 Days And Counting

When I say he's been gone 3 years that is hard, but to see that I have survived over 1,000 days without him is crazy. There is always dread and anticipation leading up to this day....I start reliving what we were doing and the conversations we had and the memories make me cry.

I reflect back on the journey I have been on these last three years and know that it is because of the grace of God that we are where we are at in this journey because of him. I have always been open and honest with the thoughts and feelings I have experienced through this whole ordeal. While some struggle with my raw honesty it is my hopes that I can help anyone going through a struggle that while difficult, they too can make it through. It is because I try to embrace the feelings we go through that I feel my children are where they are at in this journey. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't remember him in some way. For me, just looking at my children is a constant reminder....what a blessing.

Trust me, we still have our bad days... The "I didn't sign up to do this alone" when Sam is giving me fits with her meals or behaviors, when Spencer is trying to assert his teenage independence or when Sydney gets the sassy attitude .... It's more than I can take some days and get mad because I am having to do this alone. There are days I wonder if my children's behavior is normal kid stuff or if they are going through emotions because of the loss of their dad. None the less, I still have to help them through their feelings.... By myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have an amazing support system but parenting my children I do on my own. While I may seek the advice from others it is still me that has to enforce, love and discipline these sweet souls. I often wonder how Steve thinks I am doing and wish that there was some way for me to know. His opinion always mattered to me.... And still does to this day. I want to make him proud.

Marriage Reflections

 

 

Yesterday came and went and memories flooded my mind.  It would have been our nineteenth anniversary... would have.... There were happy tears, sad tears and thoughts of would have's and could have's.  When I reflect back on my marriage there are so many emotions.  Our first year of marriage, I truly didn't know if we were "meant" for each other.  Had we fallen into the trap of "we are leaving college, so we better find someone to spend the rest of our lives with"?  To say our first year of marriage was hard, that is an understatement.  It was such a learning experience for both of us.  As the years went by, we learned how to truly become one...Well for the most part... we had our set backs and we liked to push each other's buttons, but it made our relationship exciting.  I have to admit that I was a naïve young lady, I truly thought marriage should be similar to what was in the movies and on TV...to an extent.  I never really understood that marriage truly is work...hard work.  It was a full time job.  Once I realized this, it truly made our marriage better.  There were times when we both would get busy and not "work" at our relationship and that is when the problems would arise.  It was a vicious cycle...I wouldn't give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't give me what I wanted...and around and around it would go.  Once we both put one another first, that cycle was broken and harmony came to our marriage.  The last few years together truly were some of the best we spent together....it took so much time fine tuning what we had.  There were many times that either of us could have thrown in the towel and walked out the door but we stuck it out...we took a vow and made a commitment.  I think society makes it too easy to walk away...are there times it needs to happen, absolutely, but so many times, people quit when it gets too hard.  I think about different things that have happened in my life and what has made me grow the most is during the times when things are "hard".  I get stretched in so many directions but come out a stronger person because of the circumstances.  I feel so blessed that I didn't give up on our marriage, that we stuck it out even if it was only for 16 years together.  We had such a unique relationship that many may not understand, but with out a doubt we loved each other from the depths of our souls.  There is not a thing we wouldn't do for each other.  So what helped us get to that point in our marriage?  Several things.. the most important one...prayer...and lots of it...Prayer together, prayer alone, and prayer as a family.  I didn't grow up praying and this one was hard for me...was I supposed to talk out loud, or to myself....God doesn't care...He hears it any way you want to call out to him.  Another way, was by seeking counsel from people who had been there done that.  We joined marriage groups at church and even led some later in our marriage. It amazes me how many people struggle in their marriage and don't want to admit it or reach out for help. God put us on this earth together for a reason.  There were books that we read... The 5 Love Languages and Love and Respect are just 2 of many that helped us.  Once the kids arrived, we had to truly schedule time to sit and talk.  Marriage takes true concerted effort. While I had 16 years with him, I get sad and teary eyed thinking how great 20, 25, 50 years would have been with him.  Do I feel ripped off....absolutely.  But I know that I am blessed.  God has a plan for me....not quite sure what that plan is, but I do trust him 100%.  So for now, I will just continue to be transparent in hopes that I might help someone else... because we aren't meant to do life alone. 

All in due time....

It's hard to believe that it's been 961days since Steve's passing.  There are days it feels like just yesterday...and days where I measure events based on if Steve was still alive or if he had already passed.  I am proud of how far we have come.  It has been a difficult road but I truly feel like we have honored Steve with continuing on and living life.  We have moved through almost every stage of grief and have learned to cling to those we love dearly.  But I do have a confession to make....

I sit her tonight knowing that I will be taking Sam in tomorrow morning to have her foot X-rayed.  Now let me explain, she had surgery on her right foot February 1st and last Monday she fell and broke her left foot.  Tonight she had a seizure and fell and held her right foot saying "boo boo", which translated means PAIN!!!  Spencer complained of pain in his foot after track started...so I will be having 2 children X-rayed tomorrow....

No this isn't my confession... my confession... I am almost paralyzed with fear of something happening to my children or to me.  I know this is normal and I know that I need to work through this, but it is times like these that my heart just aches....We still continue with life, but when they are away from me or something happens to them, there is a worry that overcomes me.  I hide it from most of the world and from my children, but I have very restless sleep until we are all back together again or until they are whole.  Spencer recently got to go on a trip of a lifetime...he went camping in Minnesota with his scout troop. He left for the trip before I got home from school and then didn't have his phone for most of the trip.  It was hard...really hard on me...but I was so glad he had the chance to go and it made his homecoming so sweet.  I am that over protective parent.....I admit it...and I know I need to loosen up some...I am a work in progress.  The thought of losing one of them is truly crippling...the thought of something happening to me and them not having either parent is just as difficult.  Did any of this ever cross my mind when Steve was alive, not really...Don't get me wrong, I have always worried about my children, but not to the degree that I do now.  Death is a funny thing...it puts perspective on so much of your life, yet, it can cripple you in so many ways.  I feel that I have been blessed with not getting crippled by many of the things I could, yet I can't seem to shake this one.  All in due time, all in due time...

ELEVEN things I LOVE about SYDNEY!!

 

In a blink of an eye this sweet face.....

 

Turned into this beautiful face....

 

In honor of Sydney, let me tell you 11 things I LOVE about her!

 

1.  Her beautiful smile.

2.  How she sees good in every person she meets

3.  Her love for always doing her very best, even when it's hard

4.  How she says she doesn't like to play goalie, yet she does an excellent job every single time!

5.  The fact that she is a peacemaker, and wants everyone to be happy.

6.  Her sense of fashion...she puts her mama to shame!

7.  How loving and caring she is to Sam

8. Her HUGE heart...and the love she shares with everyone

9.  Her memory....and how she keeps me on track...She is going to be a great mom one day!

10.  Her quirky sense of humor and how she can make me laugh, even when I don't feel like it

11.  The beauty she exudes on the inside and out. She is one amazing young lady.

 

 

I am blessed to be the mom to this amazing child.  To say I am proud of her doesn't even begin to describe how wonderful I think she is as a person.  She's going to do great things with her life and it will be in a place where she will serve others, as she truly does have a servants heart.