Decisions, Decisions

Life is all about decisions and having to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, just all depends on how you look at the situation.

Today would have been Steve's 42nd birthday. Man that is hard to type, would have.....

So today, I have some choices to make on how to celebrate this wonderful man. While my heart is still in a million and one pieces, I have decided we will celebrate all that he encompassed as a person. While there will be tears, I am choosing to surround myself with some of the people that loved him the most and talk and laugh about him. There seems to be great comfort in talking about him and hearing about him from others.....as this shows he is not forgotten.

So while this is my choice, I know that not everyone who has lost a loved one can celebrate and that is ok. We all grieve in different ways. I try to stay focused on who and what he stood for and what he meant to us, as I think that is very important for myself as well as my children, and celebrate him as a person.

So Happy Birthday Steve! We love and miss you!

1 Year Down and Continuing Forward....

I sit in amazement that a year has gone by. Wow! There are so many things that I have learned this past year....

• that without my faith, truly I would not be where I am today.
  



• Life insurance is a must!!! It is affordable, you must make sacrifices now in case something were to happen. Never thought in a MILLION years I would need it...and don't just be ok with what your work offers. There are SO many expenses you don't expect!
  




• Double check your insurance policies (home and auto), make sure that you will be ok if something happens to you or to someone that is on your property or in your car. See if you have coverage on your auto for under insured and uninsured (thanks Brian)!
  




• There are still honest car sales men...besides my uncle... Thank you Kyle for helping me through my first car buying experience. I will use you again when my kids need wheels.
  




• There are people out there that want to remain anonymous and do random acts of kindness...thank you for those who put money in my kids lunch account, in their education fund and for gift cards that would randomly show up in the mail.
  




• Hail storms can be good....I got a new roof and gutters because of Mother Nature.
  




• Truly I am blessed with the fact that there are still good people out there that want to help and make my life a little easier...won't list them all as the list is long. But I was blessed to have meals delivered for over 6 months, my house was painted, windows installed, gutters cleaned out, lawn mowed, snow shoveled, ceiling fan hung, toilet fixed, sink faucet installed, kitchen painted, washer and dryer delivered, house cleaned, a pastor that helps, encourages and prays for us....
  




• I learned that there are lawyers out there that truly care and want to help. There were so many things I didn't know I would need help with and Brian was there to lend a hand.
  




• I have learned much about the fiance world...and this was uncharted territory for me....what is a mutual fund, IRA, Roth, Stocks, Structured Settlements, Bonds, MOST...well I could not have told you before Steve's passing, but I know now... and guess what...with the way the stock market is going, I am ok...because the way I see it...I am getting more for my money :) I am in it for the long haul...
  




• I have learned that in order for healing to happen you have to laugh and cry or cry and laugh. You have to talk about how you are feeling and embrace the feelings whenever and wherever you are. And, you must surround yourself with people that help propel your forward and let go of those who suck the energy right out of you, as you barely have enough energy to make it through the day.
  




• Everyone has a story, and you never know what they are dealing with at a particular time. Maybe you have a cranky waitress, stop and think that maybe her mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that she is doing the best she can. I was often given the grace I needed by those who know and love me, but I can guarantee I was cranky with someone that thought "Geez, what is her problem?"
  




• I realize the things that I worried about before truly were petty and try to stay focused on what is important in life.
  




• I realize that my children are stronger than I have ever given them credit for and their perspective on so many things have truly inspired me and touch me to the core.
  




• and finally I realize that life will never be the same, however, there are so many things in my life that I can say that I am truly blessed. I will continue on into year 2 staying focused on the positive, because I know that is what Steve would have wanted. There will detours I am sure, but all I have to do is look into my children's eyes and realize again how truly blessed I am.

364 Days Ago...

This picture was taken exactly 364 days ago....364 days... and in a blink of an eye our picture turned to this...

How crazy it is that your life can be turned upside down so quickly. 364 days ago we had been to the Royals game and enjoyed an evening with each other...it was an exciting game that they won at the very last moment and then we stayed for fireworks. It truly was a spectacular evening.

Then at 12:05 on Saturday, July 31st, I got that most horrific phone call from Sydney and our lives changed for ever. There were MANY days that I didn't know how I was going to survive. There were many tears that were shed. But we have survived and we still shed many tears.

It has been 364 days since I heard his laugh, looked into his beautiful blue eyes, kissed him, held his hand, snuggled up next to him in bed, and was wrapped in one of his wonderful hugs. You truly don't realize how much you miss hugs and kisses until they are taken from you forever....well at least from the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.

Have I grown as a person....sure...but if I am honest with myself and honest to God...I would be perfectly fine if I didn't grow. Have I learned some things that I never knew.....yep...but again...I was pretty content in my life before, just didn't realize how good I had it.

So let me answer the questions that everyone either wants to ask or they do ask.... 1. "So, how are you doing?" 2. "How are the kids doing?"

1. How am I doing...well I guess as good as anyone who has lost the love of their life. There are good days and there are bad days. We still laugh and smile and joke around because that is what Steve would have wanted. He LOVED life. And sometimes I worry what people think when the kids and I are smiling and laughing.......NO we haven't forgotten him, and YES there is still heartache and we still miss him with every ounce of our beings. There are times, like right now, that I just sit and cry because he is not here. There are times that I fall apart and crumble. There are moments that catch me off guard. But in the big picture I know that I WILL see him one day again, and that brings me so much peace.

2. The kids...they are what has helped pull me through all of this. Because of them, I get out of bed every morning. Because of them, I make better choices. Because of them I smile and laugh and act silly. (who couldn't smile when you hear Sam giggle). But take me out of the picture and you ask how they are. Well honestly they are doing pretty good. Their perspective is pretty awesome and they are so strong in their faith that it has helped them. Are their days/times that they break down and cry...sure...and their will be for some time. Yes, they are in counseling, and yes they will remain in counseling until they feel like they don't need it anymore, which could be a long time because they LOVE Coach Barry their counselor.

Truly I know that I would not be where I am in this journey if I didn't have the love and support from family, friends and my church. I know through the year I have made some decisions that probably weren't right, but was given grace. I know that I have done things that people questioned, but I did them any way because it was what I felt was right for myself and for my kids. I have questioned myself on the whole grief process...am I doing it right, what happens if I don't do it right, etc. I have never been angry at God, and that worried me until my pastor told me that some people don't go through every stage. Now yes I realize that I may go through this stage later, but I would have figured that at some point during these past 364 days that I would have hit that stage.

So as we hit day 365 my heart is heavy because I miss him like crazy. Because I think of all the things he has missed and all the future things he will miss. Because I want him here so I can tell him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate all that he did for myself and for our family. Please continue to pray for us as we still need them. So, very soon it will be 366 days...do I think it will be any easier..NOPE. But I know that I am blessed to have the love and support by so many. Much love to all.

The Last of the firsts....

So today was the last of the first holidays that we have spent without Steve, which means we are coming closer and closer to the one year anniversary. There are times that I can't believe that we have survived almost a year. The next big hurdle before we get to the one year anniversary...July 16th...what would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. Please know that I am full aware that come August 1st it is still going to be difficult and just because we passed the one year mark does not mean it will become easier. I am proud of how far we have come together, but know that we will fall back now and then, but little steps forward are still good progress. Please continue to pray for us these next few weeks as they will for sure be a roller coaster ride.

Father's Day.....

It's been 327 days since he passed...327...hard to believe. We have had plenty of rough days, some good days and some days that we smile. But truly, Sunday, June 19th was the most heart wrenching, suck the air right of you day. Father's Day will never be the same for us again. For my kids no longer have a Father to celebrate with, to make cards for, to go on picnics with, to eat ice cream with....gone are those days...it was ripped from them some 327 days ago.

While most people went on with their day, some sent nice notes, gave me hugs or said nice words to me. Never did I think this would be THE hardest day since he passed. Now that I have had time to reflect, I feel that this was the hardest day because all the other "holidays" focus on other people and we tend to be surrounded by lots of family....which is always a good distraction. There was a huge, gaping hole at the picnic....no one to hold hands with on the walk on the trail....we carried on in tradition to what we have always done for Father's Day, but the pain was so intense. A pain I probably needed to feel, but gosh darn it hurts. We survived though...we made it through. We added a new tradition to this Father's Day...we purchased balloons and wrote messages to their dad and released them....a tradition I would rather not have....




I am blessed to have a wonderful and caring dad still in my life, and his day was overshadowed this year because of the pain we are still facing. The best thing, I know he understands and doesn't judge me...so thanks dad...love you lots!

Another thing that truly is maddening to me is when people could see or talk to their dad on this day, but don't. Ok trust me I know about family problems and tense situations when it comes to family, but it breaks my heart to know that people can't take time from their busy lives and make a call, spend a few hours with their family...THEIR FAMILY...the good the bad and the ugly...but they are FAMILY!!! What my kids would give to spend just a few more moments with their dad...moments...something you can never get back. Jobs can wait, pride can be set aside, but there will come a day when those days and moments will cease... and all that will be left for your loved ones are memories....so don't rob people from making good memories with you.

I know that we are truly blessed because we have so many great memories of Steve. One that made us smile this Father's Day....we went to Dairy Queen and got his favorite..The Buster Bar. You see Steve truly loved Peanut Buster Parfaits, but would eat the Buster Bar because it was cheaper...this is so Steve...


Thanks for the memories sweetie...we sure do miss you...and will continue to honor you every day.

Blessings...

Summer has truly started out better than I had anticipated. On Sunday evening we were invited to Celebration at the Station down at Union Station. It was a TOTAL spur of the moment thing, and for those of you who truly know me...I am NOT, I repeat NOT a spur of the moment person. Literally we stopped at Quiktrip grabbed dinner and a drink and headed out. Mom of the Year for dinner at Quicktrip. We hung out with good friends and listened to the symphony and then watched fireworks. It truly was an amazing time, a lot of healing happened that night! I came to realize that I can do things all by myself....where there is a will there is a way! Thanks Chris and Ang for inviting us!



The rest of this week has been getting Spencer ready to leave for 10 days for scout camp. SIGH.... As I sit and reflect on this I am truly humbled by all the outpouring of love from everyone to help make this possible. My amazing brother in law has graciously agreed to go and be there with Spencer. Please understand, Ed finished school TODAY, and leaves TOMORROW to be there for Spencer. I have to admit it's because I am worried about things that could trigger things for Spencer since Steve was with him last year. So thank you Ed for giving up the first part of your summer to be there for us. Thank you Susie for letting him go as I know this cuts into your time too.

Now another amazing thing...Spencer will be earning some merit badges while at camp. One of the prerequisites was for him to catch a fish, fillet, cook and eat a fish. I HATE FISH!!! So I don't have a clue how to fillet or cook it, and would not dare eat it...YUCK! So Linda stepped up to the plate and helped accomplish this task....Thank you a ton Linda for this...you saved me!






Now many other people will be writing to Spencer while at camp, others praying for them... and some will travel on Sunday to be with him for Scout Sunday. Thank you to everyone...no task is to small to help comfort me as well as Spencer during this time.

So while Spencer is out of town, the girls will play...I think shopping is in order as well as a pedicure. We might even sneak in some ice cream. I even get to go and have dinner with my sister...what a treat...excellent dinner for sure...love eating at their house.

Ok so I know we are only a week into summer, but I am trying to stay upbeat and positive and not let things get me down. So if you think I might enjoy something...call me...I might surprise you as I surprised myself and do something spur of the moment.

Summer

Well it's the official start to summer and most years I would be so excited to have 2 1/2 months off. However, this year is a little, no strike that, a lot different.

This summer I won't have to try and keep the kids quiet while Steve is in his office working.

This summer it is me who will be planning the family vacation.

This summer it is me who will have to do all the driving.

This summer it is just me....with so much time on my hands.

So yes, I am afraid that with so much time on my hands there will be so much time on my hands that thoughts and memories will overcome me.

Yes, the kids will keep me busy, but when I was teaching, there wasn't time in the day to break down, I couldn't just say "excuse me class while I have this small melt down". I was hoping that at 10 months out it might be easier, but I am beginning to think if it will ever get easier. Yes, we have happy moments, but there are still the out of the blue smack you in the face he is gone forever moments too. So here's to summer.....here's to praying that healing will continue and that we will survive and make wonderful memories together.