Today was a tough one. I truly believe that the shock and numbness is beginning to wear off and I am now truly grasping that my life has forever changed. Now don't get me wrong I knew a week ago that my dear sweet husband was not coming back, however, when you lose a person, you don't get time to grieve right then and there as there are so many things to take care of first. Now that the visitation and Celebration of Life service have been completed, I now have time to sit and think about what our life is truly going to be like. It so scares me to think that what we used to do together I will now have to do on my own. I have had a wonderful outpouring of love and generosity and I know that I will have support in certain areas, but truly there will be times when it is just me...and me alone that must deal with situations....just difficult as I was so used to having that built in support.
The visitation Friday night was simply amazing. You see I thought there would be around 200 or so there. My estimation was way off. They estimated that there were over 1,000 people that attended, and several that tried to wait but couldn't because of other obligations. What a true testament to the person he was. So many lives touched and changed forever.
The Celebration of Life service was wonderful, and it truly was a celebration of his life. The Praise team did an incredible job with the entire planning of the service, thank you to all of those who helped make it such a memorable service. There were many times that tears were shed during the service, but the hardest part was when the drums were left empty and the spotlight was on them during the last song. To think that I will not hear him play again is difficult. I was always the proud wife when he played during service. I truly believe that this service was Steve's one last shot to not only draw people to our church, but most importantly towards God. Steve walked the walk and lived his faith out until his last breath and he always wanted to share that with others.
Today during church, my heart ached as if there was a hole in it. This will be one of many times I am for sure. Things that just catch me off guard...for instance when we were coming home there was a dad taking a walk with his daughter and it brought tears to my eyes...something that is gone forever in my life. So many things that run through my head about the things that will never be....
Hold tight to those you love and make sure they know that you love them each and everyday.
Your journey has changed course, your plans have a new direction, you're heart will forever be longing for your wonderful husband but one thing that will never change is the love you'll carry with you. May the God of love and grace be with you as you walk the long and painful road ahead and may He constantly remind you...Steve is with Him in the glory of Heaven and they are protecting you and your family.
ReplyDeleteLove and Blessings,
Keri Lysaght
It's so inspiring, Melissa, to read along with your journey. I know that there will be so many little glimpses that God gives you as little reasons that you have to go down this road. Not the least of which will be the lives you are touching through this amazing blog. I'm so thankful that you are in a place where you can share so many feelings with us and let us know a little bit of what it's like for you. Again, I want to be there for you in any way I can!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Suzanne Vaughan
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharng your journey with us. I know that you will miss him a lot but I also know that God will always be there for you and Steve is in heaven watching over you and your children. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI find myself so drawn to your every word - so poignant and honest. I can't begin to express our sadness for you and the children as the day to day sets in. Please know you are on so many peoples' minds and in their thoughts for all given moments in the day, for whatever amount of comfort that can give you. You are an inspiration, although I'm sure you would trade one more day with Steve for what people you didn't even know are taking away from your strength right now! Continue to fight and know it's okay to have those moments when you don't want to...Sending prayers and thoughts your way today.