Today has been a difficult day with many more ahead I know. My sister in law and I had to take Sam in to get her blood level check to see how her medicine is doing, and as I am checking in the receptionist said "the primary phone ends in 3830?", I tearfully said, "no, that was my husbands number and he was killed in a tragic accident Saturday". Her reply was, "Ok". Ok are you kidding me...I wanted to stand up and scream at her, "did you hear me, the love of my life and the father to my children DIED on Saturday, no it's not ok, it is far from ok. I was robbed of so many things." This truly made me stop and think about how many times I have not been compassionate for others and made me realize how so often we are focused on what is next and not focused on the here and now, as I have to believe this is what happened with the receptionist...she was focused on what other information she needed and didn't really HEAR what I said. So take time and really listen to others and truly hear what they are saying.
Next, we had to take everything up to the church for the visitation. I truly hadn't put much thought into how I might react... I should have. I walked in to see the most breathtaking portrait of my beautiful husband. I had to move the picture and set it up on the stage for a moment, but as I moved it, it was right at eye level, he was truly looking me in the eye-- I so wanted to kiss him. It is such a life like portrait of him. Teresa, I can't thank you enough for that gift...you are so talented! I then found myself wondering from table to table looking at all the photos that we have prepared to share Steve's life. It was at that moment that it hit me...there will be no more pictures to take, no more memories to make. Tears sprung to my eyes and my heart hurt. My poor beautiful babies loved their dad so much and now that chapter is through. I realize there will be new chapters, but truly I would have been ok if the dad and husband chapter was a little longer.
Now, I sit here with my wonderful family picking out music to play during the slide show. I keep saying I shouldn't have to be doing this, this is so unfair. However, I know there is a reason, yet I don't understand, so I must and will trust in the Lord to show me the why behind all of this. I know I will stumble and fall but I have the most incredible support system...one that I did not realize was as strong as it is until this all happened. It has been good to laugh, cry and reminisce with everyone about Steve, but truly I wish he were here. All those things that irritated me or that I didn't like to do, wow...what I would do to be able to hear him clap so loud that it hurt my ears,watch him play rough with the dogs, or to rub his feet. So even though people around you may frustrate you or irritate you let those go and focus on what is truly important and that is the love,---the love you have for each other.
Tomorrow and Saturday will probably be the most difficult days for my children and I, but I know with the strength of God that we will get through this difficult time. I know I have said it before, but please take heade, learn from my tragic loss to make your relationships more meaningful and passionate. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they mean more than you could ever know.
The photo above was the last picture taken of Steve with his family...I am so glad that God gave me the passion for taking pictures. How easily it could have been to just leave the camera at home, but now I have a picture to remember some of those last moments with him. Thank you God...it will be a precious memory for us for years to come.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi
What change will you make? I hope it is one that will inspire others.
I am have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.... Things that irritate me.. Wow! I focus on irritating things sometimes and this makes me stop and think. The part where you say, "I would rub his feet." I remember discussions about that and have to smile a little. This chapter in your life is at a close, but think what is to come with your angels. Keep taking those pics! I so wish I was going to be home for Steve's celebration.
ReplyDelete:( Prayers.....
I must tell you that even though I don't know you(heard your story from my dear friend Karen Briggs) I can't get you out of my thoughts. I have wrestled with your story for days and can't imagine the tremendous loss you are feeling and the strength you are having to pull from deep within. You have made me stop in my tracks for a big REALITY check!!! We go through life doing such mundane things, irritated by such simple things, take for granted the beauty in our lives. We are all so blessed with the lives we live but yet we forget it is a privilege and not a right.
ReplyDeletePlease know you have touched my life profoundly and I will be doing my very best to appreciate every moment, every memory and even the irritations.
I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. This will be a bumpy journey, but it sounds like you have the support and faith that will hold your hand while you journey through it.
Whether you know it or not you sound like you are doing a remarkable job of being strong for your kids. I guess sometimes you just don't have a choice. I heard a quote this week and my thoughts raced to you:"you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have"
Please take care and know you really have touched my life! (not any sort of consolation I know)
To love so deep is a blessing from God, how blessed you and your children are to have know that kind of love. You will walk through your darkest hour with the love and prayers of all that know you, and I pray you can feel the love and grace that God and His children are sending you. Your strenght inspires me, and your story makes me hold James a litle closer, there's been more radom calls just to say I love you in the last week than anytime I can remember...and that my dear is in honor of you. May the Lord of grace and love be with you these next two days and always.
ReplyDeleteKeri Lysaght
Andrea Bear...
ReplyDeleteMelissa you and the kids have been in our prayers all week...As I read your blog I see how Christ is working through you....I will be here for whatever you need.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteIt was my honor to photograph Steve. He was a fantastic man with a contagious smile! ~Teresa Feagans
I also do not know you, I heard of you from Kelly Wells. She sent out a prayer request on the day of Steve's accident. We have been praying for you and your family since that day. You come to my mind often and I pray for your strength and peace. Your faith and reliance on Christ is truly inspirational. I wish that you did not need to live out your strength and faith in this way, but I'm glad He gave you the resources to do so.
ReplyDeleteYou have made me stop and appreciate my blessings more on a moment by moment basis. You are touching many lives by sharing your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
You will stay in our family's prayers in the days and months to come.
Grace and Peace,
Susan Dunaway
Melissa, Your strength amazes me. I am not sure I could be so honest and brave at a time like this. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their Mom, very lucky. Anything you need all you have to do is ask, not favor is to big. You are in my prayers. If you ever need a shoulder you can lean on mine. God Bless you, the kids and Steve. He will always be in your heart, and you will see him again someday and what a joyus day that will be.
ReplyDeleteKelly Utter