A letter to mom from Sydney....

Dear Mom,
I love you very much!! I know losing dad is so hard living without him. You know what, he will always be with you and in your heart <3. I know what happened was very unexpected. I know it was a hard Christmas for our whole family.

Love you

Love Sydney



Well said Sydney, well said...

God's Plan

The other night we were blessed to come together as a family and go visit Steve's 105 year old grandma. We sang Christmas carols to her for almost 45 minutes. I don't know who enjoys us visiting more, us, her or the other residents in the nursing home. But I have to be honest, so far this season it has been one of the most heart wrenching events for me. First let me explain something, when you sing with the Gouldsmith's you don't just sing the melody, you harmonize. When my nephews and brother in law started to harmonize their part it was then that I realized our choir was one short a choir member and that I missed hearing Steve's voice in that choir. The choir Steve sings in now, I am sure is grand, but I sure do miss his voice now. That was heart wrenching event number one.

Heart wrenching event number two came on our way home. We were all pretty quiet and teary eyed. Spencer with tears flowing like a river looked at me and said "God doesn't answer all our prayers". My heart broke, this was the first time he had questioned God's love for us. I let him talk and share his feelings. You see every night Spencers prays to keep our family safe, and well in his eyes God didn't answer his prayer. After we said prayers that night I went back to Spencer's comment about prayers not being answered and tried my best at exlaining to him my thoughts. I told him that in our minds we have a plan how our life should turn out, but God also has a plan and that we don't always understand God's plan. I was honest and told him that I didn't like God's plan for us one bit, but I also believe that things happen to us to test our faith and to help us grow in our faith. He did agree with me that we as a family have grown in faith, not just us but our extended family too. As I sit and think about this event, it makes me wonder if I am "normal". For so many people have told me that at some point I will become angry with God. I haven't hit that stage and it is hard for me to imagine, because through all of the confusing times, He is the one thing that remains constant. I know I have said this before, but I do not know where I would be without my faith.

Today is Christmas Eve and I sit and reflect on what Christmas Eve is all about. How blessed we are as a people...He came for us, He died for us so that we may have eternal life. Steve is now living that eternal life and I feel so blessed to know that I too one day will have that eternal life and be reunited with him and get to sing in the choir with him....even if all I can do is sing the melody.

May you all have a Merry Christmas and remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas.

I have learned...

There has been so much that I have learned through this horrible tragedy. So much about myself and so much about others.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible, yet can crumble in a moments notice.

I have learned that many people reach out and lend a helping hand, while other sit by because they don't know how to offer help. Neither being right or wrong, just things that I have noticed.

I have learned that many people don't know what to say, and so some times they say dumb things that they later wish they could take back.

I have learned that people are funny creatures...we are all so unique with the way that we respond to others. There have been many times that I have been humbled beyond words to the generosity of those around us and frustrated by others because of their lack of compassion for those with an aching heart.

I have learned to let go of the little things that used to bother me, and trust me there is plenty...as I feel like I could author a book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", but that has already been written..

I have learned that I have to follow my heart and do what is right for myself and for my children, even if that isn't "popular" with everyone.

I have learned that I must continue to live in faith, even when it is hard.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it most and to accept help when it is offered.

But the main thing I have learned is that this is not a process but a journey....a journey that will have many detours, bumps, and break downs, but with God's grace we will make it through.

Happy Birthday Day Spencer!!

In honor of Spencer's 12th birthday on 12-12 here are 12 things I LOVE about him....

1. The silly noises he makes with his mouth
2. His bright blue eyes
3. Him using his code of "5638 U"
4. How he adores Sam
5. His willingness to play with Sydney, even if it doesn't interest him
6. His great love for God and the quest to understand and grow in his faith
7. His practical jokes, knock knock jokes and just plain silliness
8. The fact that he always give 110% and wants to do his best at whatever he tackles
9. The way he squeezes my hand when tears suddenly spring to my eyes
10. His tender heart and how quickly he can forgive
11. How he loves to help others
12. How much he looks and reminds me of his dad...sigh....

Spencer as I read through this list it makes me cry for many reasons. One, because you are growing up so quick and I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday you were dressing up in your snow gear, but only you were a fireman and you were putting out fires in my kitchen. There are so many great memories that I have of you, and truly I am enjoying watching you grow and mature into a wonderful young man. Another reason it makes me cry is because so many things on the list remind me of who your dad was, I am blessed to have a little piece of him here on earth still by having you. Please know that even though your dad is no longer with us physically, that he will always be with us. You are an amazing young man and I want you to know that we have always been proud of you. I love you more than you will ever know. Happy Birthday Buddy!

The Dance

Many nights are spent reading various things on the Internet. I belong to many blogs, one being called the Widow's Voice. Never thought I would be reading a blog about being a widow, well not at age 40... Anyway, many touch my heart, some make me sad for the people who write them as they seem so bitter and so lost. Tonight, as I read the blog, it was as if I could have written it...with a few minor changes...so rather than trying to recreate the "wheel", I thought I would give you the link.. http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/12/pain-vs.html

May you have many dances in your life and may God bless you abundantly.

Thanksgiving....Really???

As we approach Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season, my heart aches. This is not how I had imagined life, and it hurts. I don't want to celebrate without Steve, yet I have to. This is the time of thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be thankful for there is still the raw pain of what isn't here. I will miss watching him help out in the kitchen at my parents house, before and after because he could never sit still. Their backyard won't be the same because he would always go out with the kids after the big meal and play soccer or football with them. And well, at his family's gathering, he was the cutter of the ham...and he would always sneak me a piece and leave just the right amount on the bone so Linda could make ham and beans for Mike later. His presence will be greatly missed at both gatherings, but his presence has been missed long before now....it's just with the "holiday" season it is magnified 1,00o + times.

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for...I have shelter, food, clothes, my kids, my family, and I was blessed to have a love for 16 years that many never experience in their lifetime. I not only had a husband, but a best friend and a soul mate. I am not thankful though that I have to continue on without him...

Packing up Memories

It's been a hard weekend and it's just now that I am fully feeling the effect from everything. What started out as a simple thought has truly rocked my world. We had a free weekend so I thought I would try and get some order to our basement. You have to understand that our basement was SCARY. The first part of July we had water in the basement after a big rain storm so everything quickly got shoved and moved...and well...it hadn't been dealt with until this weekend.

The first thing we had to do was put Steve's drums in their cases. Sounds simple, but it ripped my heart out...never again will I hear him play. My only hope is that one day Spencer will pull these out and bring back some sweet memories. Then the normal cleaning, tossing, hiding things in the trash from the kids, then I would run into some sweet memory when I least expected it. Pictures, notes to him, notes written by him...I just sat at stared at his handwriting...never again will I get a note from him...Fishing things he purchased to go fishing with a buddy in Canada...also secretly hoping to get his brother and dad there...a trip that never happened, running medals and his bib numbers..something he was so passionate about...but had to give up because of his knees. Notes written to him from Spencer and Sydney, notes from family members. It is all to hard, almost crushing at times. The final thing that I found...our notebooks from A Weekend to Remember conference and in them a "love" letter we had to write to each other. I want more love letters, I want more....and I can't have it.....so tonight my heart aches...