A Glorious Unfolding

Through the years there have been songs that speak right to my heart.  Many of times I sing the lyrics but I'm not aware of what they are saying, and then all of a sudden one day the lyrics hit me.  This is true with the following song. 

 

 

Here is just part of the lyrics:

 

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding


God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun......

 

I think it's God trying to remind me that I am not in control....He has this.  Be it because I am a widow, an only parent, a mom of a special needs child, a mom of a pre-teen, a mom of a teenager, a working mom, a person just tying to find her place in this world....This song speaks to me in so many ways.  From the beginning I have put my trust in God and His plan and jokingly say I wish I was on his planning committee.  So when life gets me down, this is a song on my "favorites" that I plug in and blare to remind myself that God has this, to slow down and pray. 

 

What's on your heart? Give it to God....He already has it...Your story has only begun and it's going to have a glorious unfolding! 

Tiny Nudges....

As Thursday approaches, and 1,462 days have passed, there are many things that I have learned along this widow journey.  I have often asked God to show me what my purpose is in this life...while I am still trying to figure that out, I felt a nudge from God to write...so I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. 

Grief is different for everyone, I have lived it and witnessed this unfortunately in people close to me.  I have been blessed in so many ways and didn't realize how truly blessed until the death of Steve.  I have to admit, I was complacent...I didn't stop and smell the roses, didn't appreciate the small things in life, or recognize what truly mattered in this life.  I was more worried about how things appeared on the outside.....what others thought of me, of my marriage and my children.  I was trying to create a picture-perfect world for all to see.  Then on July 31, 2010, my world crumbled in an instant....the picture shattered.  I was blessed to be surrounded by so many friends and family members, it is they who carried me through the first year, and still carry me to this day.  The second-year the fog lifted and I continued on, mostly because of the precious souls God had entrusted Steve and me to.  They were looking to me for guidance on how to do this new life that we had been thrust into.  While I know I haven't done things perfectly, I do feel confident that we are closer than ever because of the honest and open relationship that we share.  While the raw openness is hard for "outsiders" to understand, I have learned that doesn't matter, what matters is how my children feel and cope with this journey.  I have been judged and questioned and at first, it threw me into a tailspin, made me question myself.  But at the end of the day, what matters is the peace I have in my heart and the peace my children have in theirs.  Through all this, I have grown so much as a person.  The little things used to get to me, now I probably dismiss the trivial things a little too easily.  But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you eat, what you do, if the trash got taken out, if someone was late, if a chore didn't get completed....what matters is the time you have invested in each other.  I truly enjoy just "being".  Being with the people I care about and love....I love just watching, observing and learning about the people I care about.  So if you think I'm just being quiet....truly I am just learning about the people that surround me.  A phrase that has always been apart of our family is "we're making memories"  It is because of that I feel my children are thriving.  I love it when they say "remember when....".  While it was a daunting task, to begin with, I have continued to make sure that we are "making memories"...we stop and smell the roses...sometimes the roses have thorns but that's ok, it makes for good memories. 

I was fortunate this summer to be an adult leader on our middle school mission trip.  It always seems that I walk away from these experiences feeling blessed.  I honestly believe that everyone has a story, everyone has something difficult they are going through or have been through.  While I may have lost my husband, became a widow at 39, have a child with special needs, I am SO, SO blessed.  While on the mission trip I saw so many things that made my heart ache... one that sticks with me is the woman with tears in her eyes as I offered her an extremely ripe cantaloupe.  She could not believe that I was giving her fresh fruit.  It humbled me...shook me to the core.  While I have had some major bumps along my life's journey, I am blessed and it's a conscious decision to stay focused on the blessings. 



So while my "picture perfect" family is missing someone, I am blessed to know that God will continue to hold us up and help us through this thing we call life.  For beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder....


Much love to you all. 

God Gained Another Angel

Just when you think that your heart has healed a little, you get knocked down again.  Steve's mom, Maxine, passed away on Tuesday, December 17th.  I received a phone call around 2:30 am from his dad informing me that she had gone to be with Steve.  Nothing ever prepares you for death....nothing...  I sat and cried the rest of the night...went through pictures on my phone and computer....as memories rushed through my head.  The only solace I have is that Steve met her at the gates of heaven...that I am for sure.  And I am pretty sure that she hasn't let go of him yet.  Her visitation was Friday evening and at best guess there were over 400 people there to honor her...what a true testimony.  Maxine loved everyone where they were at...never judgmental...just loving and giving.  God truly gained an angel a week a go... Please pray for the family as we once again start the grieving process.  

Spencer turns 15!!!

I am a little late on this post...it's been a crazy month to say the least.  On December 12th Spencer turned 15...It still amazes me that he can be this old and I often wonder if my mom feels the same way when my birthday comes around.

In honor of Spencer's birthday here are the 15 things that I love about him....

1.  His beautiful blue eyes....they remind me so much of his dad's eyes
2.  The quirky sense of humor...he can make me smile even when I don't feel like it..
3.  How he understands that while what he has endured in life, that others can learn from him and that he isn't afraid to share his feelings.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SH__RC6NaQ
4.  The text messages I get every morning telling me to have a good day...with all the silly emoticons.
5.  His new brace free smile
6.  That even when things don't go exactly as he had hoped, he learns from the situation and makes the most of it...trusting in God that he knows what he is doing
7.  That even when we don't get along he knows that I love him...but that I don't always like what he does, as he can quote this back to me....
8.  His musical talents...ummm got these from the Gouldsmith side for sure...
9.  His tender heart...especially when it comes to Sam.
10.  While he loves to tease and torment Sydney he would be the first in line to stand up for her and protect her.
11.  How he truly gets how important family is in life.
12.  How he does things to honor his dad's memory but understands that his dad would want him to be his own person.
13.  How he has to figure things out on his own, in his own time.
14.  How he can reach out and squeeze my hand to comfort me at just the right time.
15.  That he is SO excited that in a year he will get to drive....sniff sniff...

Spencer Cole, I love you with all my heart....I am so proud of you and fail to tell you this enough I am sure.  Love you to Neptune and beyond...Love you for always...

Happy Birthday Sweet Sam!

Sam was supposed to be here on October 10th... the only child of mine that was almost born on their actual due date.  She has taught us so much about life from the get go.  She spent the first few days of her life in the NICU.....weighing 8 pounds she was huge compared to the other babies in there.  Her stay was brief in comparison to many babies...only 4 days.  She was not breathing out of the left side of her nose so they whisked her away pretty quick after she was born.  I learned very quickly to slow down and appreciate the small things in life, to celebrate even the small successes.  Over the years she has taught me patience... patience with her, patience with doctors, patience with myself and patience with God's timing.  I have always said she was a puzzle from the get go, and slowly we are finding and placing all those pieces together.  Her dear sweet dad cried the day she was born.  He was a sweet and loving dad and she had him wrapped around his finger.  I am grateful for those sweet memories. 

In honor of her turning 8 here are the 8 things I love about Sam!

1.  Her shirt reads "Love Your Life"....and that Sam does...
2.  She has the most infectious giggle that warms your heart
3.  Snuggles our cat is her favorite...shhhh don't tell the dogs. Sam's first place to go in the morning is to find Snuggles...then she lays on her, beside her, near her....
4.  I love the way she says "horse", "football" and so many other words I never thought I would hear
5.  I love how she takes things in stride, there isn't much that bothers her...a cast/boot on your foot for almost a year, surgery on both feet...no problem..
6. Sam loves to be tickled, to tickle others and to have others tickle each other....it doesn't matter if she knows you or not....don't believe me...ask Dr. Gupta and his nurse.
7.  While most of the time it is frustrating from my end, I love the fact that she is starting to show independence and take control of her life....just wished it didn't involve holding food in her mouth, climbing on the island...Small successes...I need to remember that!
8. And last but not least I love that her whole face lights up when she smiles....it can warm your soul

Sam may not have very many words, but she says so much with her eyes, smile and actions.  She is one smart little cookie.  I am blessed that she calls me mom.....or mama.... Happy Birthday Sweet Sam!



1,095 Days And Counting

When I say he's been gone 3 years that is hard, but to see that I have survived over 1,000 days without him is crazy. There is always dread and anticipation leading up to this day....I start reliving what we were doing and the conversations we had and the memories make me cry.

I reflect back on the journey I have been on these last three years and know that it is because of the grace of God that we are where we are at in this journey because of him. I have always been open and honest with the thoughts and feelings I have experienced through this whole ordeal. While some struggle with my raw honesty it is my hopes that I can help anyone going through a struggle that while difficult, they too can make it through. It is because I try to embrace the feelings we go through that I feel my children are where they are at in this journey. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't remember him in some way. For me, just looking at my children is a constant reminder....what a blessing.

Trust me, we still have our bad days... The "I didn't sign up to do this alone" when Sam is giving me fits with her meals or behaviors, when Spencer is trying to assert his teenage independence or when Sydney gets the sassy attitude .... It's more than I can take some days and get mad because I am having to do this alone. There are days I wonder if my children's behavior is normal kid stuff or if they are going through emotions because of the loss of their dad. None the less, I still have to help them through their feelings.... By myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have an amazing support system but parenting my children I do on my own. While I may seek the advice from others it is still me that has to enforce, love and discipline these sweet souls. I often wonder how Steve thinks I am doing and wish that there was some way for me to know. His opinion always mattered to me.... And still does to this day. I want to make him proud.

Marriage Reflections

 

 

Yesterday came and went and memories flooded my mind.  It would have been our nineteenth anniversary... would have.... There were happy tears, sad tears and thoughts of would have's and could have's.  When I reflect back on my marriage there are so many emotions.  Our first year of marriage, I truly didn't know if we were "meant" for each other.  Had we fallen into the trap of "we are leaving college, so we better find someone to spend the rest of our lives with"?  To say our first year of marriage was hard, that is an understatement.  It was such a learning experience for both of us.  As the years went by, we learned how to truly become one...Well for the most part... we had our set backs and we liked to push each other's buttons, but it made our relationship exciting.  I have to admit that I was a naïve young lady, I truly thought marriage should be similar to what was in the movies and on TV...to an extent.  I never really understood that marriage truly is work...hard work.  It was a full time job.  Once I realized this, it truly made our marriage better.  There were times when we both would get busy and not "work" at our relationship and that is when the problems would arise.  It was a vicious cycle...I wouldn't give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't give me what I wanted...and around and around it would go.  Once we both put one another first, that cycle was broken and harmony came to our marriage.  The last few years together truly were some of the best we spent together....it took so much time fine tuning what we had.  There were many times that either of us could have thrown in the towel and walked out the door but we stuck it out...we took a vow and made a commitment.  I think society makes it too easy to walk away...are there times it needs to happen, absolutely, but so many times, people quit when it gets too hard.  I think about different things that have happened in my life and what has made me grow the most is during the times when things are "hard".  I get stretched in so many directions but come out a stronger person because of the circumstances.  I feel so blessed that I didn't give up on our marriage, that we stuck it out even if it was only for 16 years together.  We had such a unique relationship that many may not understand, but with out a doubt we loved each other from the depths of our souls.  There is not a thing we wouldn't do for each other.  So what helped us get to that point in our marriage?  Several things.. the most important one...prayer...and lots of it...Prayer together, prayer alone, and prayer as a family.  I didn't grow up praying and this one was hard for me...was I supposed to talk out loud, or to myself....God doesn't care...He hears it any way you want to call out to him.  Another way, was by seeking counsel from people who had been there done that.  We joined marriage groups at church and even led some later in our marriage. It amazes me how many people struggle in their marriage and don't want to admit it or reach out for help. God put us on this earth together for a reason.  There were books that we read... The 5 Love Languages and Love and Respect are just 2 of many that helped us.  Once the kids arrived, we had to truly schedule time to sit and talk.  Marriage takes true concerted effort. While I had 16 years with him, I get sad and teary eyed thinking how great 20, 25, 50 years would have been with him.  Do I feel ripped off....absolutely.  But I know that I am blessed.  God has a plan for me....not quite sure what that plan is, but I do trust him 100%.  So for now, I will just continue to be transparent in hopes that I might help someone else... because we aren't meant to do life alone.