Thanksgiving

Here we are, our 2nd Thanksgiving without Steve. I have read many places that often the 2nd year without your loved one is harder than the first. So far, I have to say it is true.

True for many reasons. I think the "numbness" has worn off and the fog has lifted that I was in the first year. Reality has set in and some people forget and move on, and if you are reading this, then you wouldn't be one of those people. The kids and I are still stuck in the nightmare of him never coming home.

However, through all of this I have to say that we are at peace. Do we like the fact that he will never walk through the door, go on vacation with us or sit down to dinner with us...ummmm NO. For so long now, I have been trying to put a finger on the feeling I was having inside. And I feel that peace is appropriate...I am at peace that God is in control and have put my faith in HIM, even though at times it is hard. I am at peace that I will see Steve again one day, but still wish I could see him everyday. I am at peace that I am an only parent, and rely on others to help me with this task. I have relinquished the fact that I can control things in my life and I am at peace. No this doesn't mean that I am all happy, happy, joy, joy...far from it. But when I get in those low, low places, it truly brings me to my knees and I pray. Pray for guidance and pray for peace. So while my heart still aches, God is touching us in ways unimaginable. So in true Thanksgiving style....

I am not blessed that Steve died so soon, however, I am stronger, more empathetic, and kinder since a huge piece of my heart was ripped from me and this makes me thankful for:

family, friends, church and a community that has embraced us and helped us to not feel alone.

for those who understand my crazy sense of humor and realize that if I didn't laugh, I would cry every single day.

for my beautiful children...for their unconditional love and for truly getting what it means to be a family. We are there for each other ALWAYS and FOREVER.

that I did have at least 16 years to share a love that many will never experience. To realize that true love is not what is portrayed in Soap Operas and that true love is HARD work.

all the wonderful memories that we made together to help us keep him alive in our hearts. What an amazing man he was, and I was blessed to be called his wife.

So while this 2nd year is difficult, I will continue to go to my knees and pray and lean on God to get me through this, because truly I do not know where I would be today if it wasn't for my faith, friends and family.

Saturdays are the hardest....

Maybe because we don't always have the hustle and bustle that weekdays bring, but truly Saturdays are the hardest...Saturday mornings in particular. This morning I awoke to a thousand things running through my head. One of them being Sam and the fact that we still don't have seizure control. This week I took a leap of faith, I contacted my primary care physician and ask they begin the procedures that need to be taken for me to take Sam "out of network". There has to be more for my sweet precious little girl...increasing medicine for me right now is not an option. Steve and I didn't make the commitment to go on the Ketogenic Diet to increase her medicine. And that is why this Saturday morning is so hard. While I have the counsel of some amazing people and I appreciate their opinions and support, it is the support and decisions that I made with Steve that I miss. That you are my soul mate, and so understand what I am feeling and hurt when I hurt kind of connection.

So say a prayer for me that a "second, third, or fourth" opinion is going to be what is needed to help Sam. I have also contacted St. Louis Children's Hospital as they are one of the top hospitals that deal with children with epilepsy, and they are the closest to us. Still waiting to hear back from them...but will be persistent until I do. I have however decided that if I need to go elsewhere I will. I have also contacted a nutritionist that is highly renowned for looking at blood samples and tweaking the diet to help become seizure free. No stone will be left unturned until I have answers for my precious baby girl.

We have our neuro appointment this week with her current doctor. Please pray that I have the courage and words to stand up to this neuro if he says he wants to increase her meds. Pray that he truly hears what I am saying and compromises with what I am wanting too. I am already dreading this appointment.

Watch out world this momma bear is on the prowl.

I am Tired...

of being the only one to help with homework.

of deciding what to have for dinner.

of telling people to take out the trash, clean their room, dust, vaccum.....

of being the only adult in the house.

of being the only one to give Sam a bath, get her dressed and get her to bed.

of my plate overflowing daily.

of not having someone to hug, kiss or hold hands with.

of keeping appointments straight and making sure everyone gets where they are supposed to be.

of not being able to call people back and have a conversation like a normal person.

of working full time and coming home to yet another full time job.

of being the one responsible to make sure all the bills get paid.

of not being able to sleep in and catch up on sleep because I am so stinkin tired.

Happy Birthday Sam!

Six years ago today on 10-9-05 at 9:05 I gave birth to this precious girl. Little did I know how much she would change the way we look at the world. I am sticking with my tradition and listing the 6 things I LOVE about Sam...some will be the same as last year, because somethings never change...

1. Her laugh will make make you smile from ear to ear and warm your heart...it truly is contagious.
2. I love the way she says "foooooot-ball"
3. Her love for water...in any shape or form..
4. Her carefree, love of life attitude
5. She is a prayer warrior...won't let us forget to pray before meals or at bedtime.
6. The way she feeds the dogs and cat once piece of their food at a time...she loves these animals.

I could list many things I love about her, but truly how do you sum up in 6 things how this child has changed my life and the lives of so many others. Even though she is a special needs child, she has been what has kept me grounded and helped me to appreciate the little things in life. I love you to the moon and back sweet Sam.

I Played "that" Card Today...

I truly have tried my best not to play the "my husband died" card as it makes people feel uncomfortable. But tonight I did...I was at Kohl's purchasing a few things and the sales person asked me not once but FOUR times if I wanted to open a Kohl's charge card...the first 3 times I said no thank you and by the fourth time, I let her have it.

I played the card.

I just wanted her to stop bothering me about opening a credit card with her. So I told her that I don't do credit cards as I am trying to track where my money goes and credit cards are dangerous. I then went on to explain that my husband had died a little over a year ago so it was up to me now to attend to the finances so I did not want her stupid credit card. It didn't stop there...she said "oh did he die of cancer?" Ummm...really, does it make a difference? I still don't want your stupid credit card..it doesn't really matter HOW he died, it is the fact that I am now the SOLE person responsible for the money that comes and goes from my household...so leave me alone already!

So as I type this I think of Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler".

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

I bet the poor Kohl's lady wished that I would not have played my card and that I would have walked away....but sometimes people push you too far...

Decisions, Decisions

Life is all about decisions and having to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, just all depends on how you look at the situation.

Today would have been Steve's 42nd birthday. Man that is hard to type, would have.....

So today, I have some choices to make on how to celebrate this wonderful man. While my heart is still in a million and one pieces, I have decided we will celebrate all that he encompassed as a person. While there will be tears, I am choosing to surround myself with some of the people that loved him the most and talk and laugh about him. There seems to be great comfort in talking about him and hearing about him from others.....as this shows he is not forgotten.

So while this is my choice, I know that not everyone who has lost a loved one can celebrate and that is ok. We all grieve in different ways. I try to stay focused on who and what he stood for and what he meant to us, as I think that is very important for myself as well as my children, and celebrate him as a person.

So Happy Birthday Steve! We love and miss you!

1 Year Down and Continuing Forward....

I sit in amazement that a year has gone by. Wow! There are so many things that I have learned this past year....

• that without my faith, truly I would not be where I am today.
  



• Life insurance is a must!!! It is affordable, you must make sacrifices now in case something were to happen. Never thought in a MILLION years I would need it...and don't just be ok with what your work offers. There are SO many expenses you don't expect!
  




• Double check your insurance policies (home and auto), make sure that you will be ok if something happens to you or to someone that is on your property or in your car. See if you have coverage on your auto for under insured and uninsured (thanks Brian)!
  




• There are still honest car sales men...besides my uncle... Thank you Kyle for helping me through my first car buying experience. I will use you again when my kids need wheels.
  




• There are people out there that want to remain anonymous and do random acts of kindness...thank you for those who put money in my kids lunch account, in their education fund and for gift cards that would randomly show up in the mail.
  




• Hail storms can be good....I got a new roof and gutters because of Mother Nature.
  




• Truly I am blessed with the fact that there are still good people out there that want to help and make my life a little easier...won't list them all as the list is long. But I was blessed to have meals delivered for over 6 months, my house was painted, windows installed, gutters cleaned out, lawn mowed, snow shoveled, ceiling fan hung, toilet fixed, sink faucet installed, kitchen painted, washer and dryer delivered, house cleaned, a pastor that helps, encourages and prays for us....
  




• I learned that there are lawyers out there that truly care and want to help. There were so many things I didn't know I would need help with and Brian was there to lend a hand.
  




• I have learned much about the fiance world...and this was uncharted territory for me....what is a mutual fund, IRA, Roth, Stocks, Structured Settlements, Bonds, MOST...well I could not have told you before Steve's passing, but I know now... and guess what...with the way the stock market is going, I am ok...because the way I see it...I am getting more for my money :) I am in it for the long haul...
  




• I have learned that in order for healing to happen you have to laugh and cry or cry and laugh. You have to talk about how you are feeling and embrace the feelings whenever and wherever you are. And, you must surround yourself with people that help propel your forward and let go of those who suck the energy right out of you, as you barely have enough energy to make it through the day.
  




• Everyone has a story, and you never know what they are dealing with at a particular time. Maybe you have a cranky waitress, stop and think that maybe her mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that she is doing the best she can. I was often given the grace I needed by those who know and love me, but I can guarantee I was cranky with someone that thought "Geez, what is her problem?"
  




• I realize the things that I worried about before truly were petty and try to stay focused on what is important in life.
  




• I realize that my children are stronger than I have ever given them credit for and their perspective on so many things have truly inspired me and touch me to the core.
  




• and finally I realize that life will never be the same, however, there are so many things in my life that I can say that I am truly blessed. I will continue on into year 2 staying focused on the positive, because I know that is what Steve would have wanted. There will detours I am sure, but all I have to do is look into my children's eyes and realize again how truly blessed I am.