God bless us, everyone...

Tonight was a joyous, yet very sad night. This was the annual fundraiser for the Lee Ann Britain Infant Development Center where Sam goes to school. This the place where Steve and I found a safe haven for our beautiful daughter that didn't quite fit the mold as most children. This is where we found hope. Hope....something most people have when they hold their precious baby in their arms, but for us, 3 years ago, we were not quite sure where life would lead us and they gave us back the hope that we needed.

This is the same center that has fully embraced us since Steve's death. God led us to them, and for that I will be forever thankful.

The fundraiser is truly one of the most AMAZING fundraisers I have ever attended. Rows upon rows of silent auction items and then several live auction items. I was doing fine while browsing the silent auction items. I bid and won the precious platter that has Sam's handprint on it, along with her classmates, in a shape of a Christmas tree. Will try and post pictures later, as it is too cute! It was time for dinner and we wound our way to the table. All of us sat, all 9 of us, leaving an empty seat...and that is when it hit me. Steve's seat was empty... There were many speakers giving their testimonies and it was so touching. Steve would have loved to have stood up there and told everyone what IDC has meant to us. He was Sam's biggest cheerleader. He LOVED taking her to school and looked forward to her "special days" when he got to be in the classroom with her. Sam's teacher's fondest memory of Steve was watching him in the dress up area with the kids...pink boa and all. He truly was a big kid at heart.

They call this fundraiser "Tiny Tim" and truly in the words of Tiny Tim...God bless us, everyone..For even through the dark hours and days we are blessed. Blessed with the family and friends that have embraced us, blessed with the Lee Ann Britain Center, blessed with God's love. It is during these difficult times that we can choose run or choose to grow in our faith. I choose the latter.

Peace

In honor of Steve we dressed up at hippies this year. Steve was a hippie last year so we decided to carry on the tradition.

We had shirts made in order to commemorate the event.

Another big event today....Sydney received her bible from church! Yeah!

Here we go again....

For those of you who do not know, Spencer has Osteopenia...low bone density. About 4 weeks ago he was tripped and fractured his right wrist. I being "Mom of the Year" didn't take him in for a week as I truly thought it was a sprain. Then on Monday he fell at recess and you guessed it...broke the left wrist. So today, cast number one came off and right wrist went into a splint, and cast number two went onto the left wrist. I can only assume that in 4 weeks we will be a proud owner of a splint for the left wrist. This is break #9 for Spencer, but we hadn't had a break in 2 years...so I thought we were doing good....well we WERE. Oh well...

Sam goes tomorrow for her "check up" since starting her diet. I am saying a prayer that they will have some ways to "tweak" the diet so she will become seizure free. I am fine with the progress that she is making and I am remaining optimistic!

Sydney, well she is doing just great. She just finished her soccer season and I must say this by far has been her best season EVER!

Even through all of my trials and tribulations I see how truly blessed I am. Sure I have days where I am sad and I cry and I would rather stay in bed. There are days that my brain is still in a fog and I am confused about everything, but when it comes right down to it, I am blessed. I am blessed for so many reasons but one is that Steve picked me.....ME to be his wife and because of that I have 3 very beautiful blessings to carry on in Steve's honor. So yes my plate is full, but I AM BLESSED!

Why did this happen to me?

As I sit here I am sad...Sad because it is my first birthday without Steve, sad because I am turning 40...the age in which he died. I often "Google" quotes in hopes that one might make me feel better or at least make me think a little deeper. Tonight, I found one...it seems to fit perfectly.

"We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.”

There has been much sorrow in my life lately, that I do not deny, however, there has been great joy too.... There is a lesson in all of this, I am just not privy to this information at the rate I wish it would occur. All in God's time. So on my birthday eve, I truly want to stop and say "Why did this happen to me?" and be speaking about all the joyous things that are happening in my life.

A few joyous things in my life right now:

1. Three beautiful and amazing children-they are what keeps me going, and going and going. :)
2. Family..where would I be without all of your love and support and prayers
3. Friends..thank you for being there in those day to day trials and for helping pull me through
4. Church...simply AMAZING!
5. Starbuck's Peppermint Hot Chocolate YUM-O!
6. Birthday surprises
7. Sami singing Happy birthday to me..warms my heart
8. Sydney giving me a hug and a kiss when I need it most
9. Spencer saying "5683U" a code used between the two of us
10. Life---Eventually we learn the beauty of the mosaic of life....taking the pieces and creating a whole new picture with what we have in front of us. The resulting image will not be the same, but it can be perfect none the less.

God is good, and He will remain by my side and help me to see Why this happened to me...the sad and the joyous things. May God bless you and help you to pause and see the joyous things in your life.

He was Generous

Those simple words that mean so much. If you attend my church you understand what "he was generous" is all about. For those of you who don't/can't attend I would suggest listening to the sermon on line. It will take a few days for them to get it uploaded, but here is the link:

http://www.every1church.org/sermons/listen/

I thought it would be nice to read any thoughts you have about how Steve was generous in your life. This quote fits him perfectly!

Happy Birthday Sam!

It is hard to believe that it's been 5 years since I gave birth to Samantha. Born 10/9/05 at 9:05...and then wisked away to NICU. It has been a long, hard road with her, but one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Today is also one of the stupid "firsts"...the first birthday that was celebrated without Steve here with us...I know he will always be with us, but you know what I mean....

So in honor of her birthday...5 things I love about Sam...

1. Her laugh...be it the heart warming one, or her new "halloween" laugh

2. Her squeezes...AKA hugs

3. The attitude she has about life...happy go lucky...let's enjoy life

4. Her love for music...even if I have to sing a song 10,000 times..music makes her HAPPY!

5. Her ability to show me to be patient and wait...as things don't always come easy, but it is worth the wait.

Just an update about her diet. A little background for some...Samantha began having seizures almost 2 1/2 years ago. She has absence seizures where she is "checked out" for about 5-10 seconds at a time. The best we can figure when she was first diagnosed was she was having 100+ a day. Now that she has been on the ketogenic diet for 2 1/2 months on her worst days she has around 20 a day. We aren't seizure free, but wow has God done amazing things. She has more energy, is trying to talk more and is just LOVING life. Our goal is to be seizure free but we are still tweaking the diet to get her calories correct. Because she has more energy she is burning more calories than she used to, so we have to get those leveled off. She is actually enjoying the food and doesn't fight me anymore. We can actually sit at a restaurant and eat and she doesn't try and get the food we are eating. I truly believe in my heart that she realizes it is the food that is making her feel better. God is SO good.

Happy Birthday dear sweet Sam! Your dad and I love you more than you could ever imagine!

When it rains it pours....

and I think I am going to drown! This past week or so has been a downpour. Just when I think I am doing ok-------BAM the tears flow, I feel overwhelmed and I can't believe that this is truly my life.

I know that I truly did not appreciate everything that Steve did for us as a family and for me personally. This past week I hit the guilt stage in this whole stupid grieving process. I knew it would happen and I know it will happen again, but dang.... I am guilty as charged...didn't realize how much he truly did lighten my load until his load was added to mine.

It's those simple things that everyone takes for granted...helping make lunches, laundry, taking Sam to school, laundry, toilet issues, car issues, did I mention laundry, picking up, caring for the dogs, cleaning the litter box, taking out the trash, recycling, laundry, bathing Sam, dressing Sam, fixing Sam's meal, car issues, cleaning the gutters,cleaning out the refrig, emptying the dishwasher, bill paying, loading the dishwasher, putting gas in the car, helping with school/scout projects, more car issues, shuffling kids to and from practices....ok so you get the idea...this list could go on and on... What I feel most guilty about... that I didn't appreciate what he did do very often and would tell him what he wasn't doing and that I felt like I shouldered most of the responsibilities. Holy cow Batman, was I WRONG! I was so focused on the negative that I couldn't see the positive... I truly would go back and change things IF I had a second chance. You have a second chance... start a gratitude list/journal..you know what I am talking about...list 3-5 things that your spouse did/does to help lighten your load and when you focus on the positive your whole attitude will shift.

I am doing ok now...no longer a downpour but just a drizzle...but I know that there will be other downpours in our lives when we are least expecting it, but I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, wonderful friends and a church that will help us through this process. Thank you to each and everyone for your continued love and prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we slowly get through this.