and I think I am going to drown! This past week or so has been a downpour. Just when I think I am doing ok-------BAM the tears flow, I feel overwhelmed and I can't believe that this is truly my life.I know that I truly did not appreciate everything that Steve did for us as a family and for me personally. This past week I hit the guilt stage in this whole stupid grieving process. I knew it would happen and I know it will happen again, but dang.... I am guilty as charged...didn't realize how much he truly did lighten my load until his load was added to mine.
It's those simple things that everyone takes for granted...helping make lunches, laundry, taking Sam to school, laundry, toilet issues, car issues, did I mention laundry, picking up, caring for the dogs, cleaning the litter box, taking out the trash, recycling, laundry, bathing Sam, dressing Sam, fixing Sam's meal, car issues, cleaning the gutters,cleaning out the refrig, emptying the dishwasher, bill paying, loading the dishwasher, putting gas in the car, helping with school/scout projects, more car issues, shuffling kids to and from practices....ok so you get the idea...this list could go on and on... What I feel most guilty about... that I didn't appreciate what he did do very often and would tell him what he wasn't doing and that I felt like I shouldered most of the responsibilities. Holy cow Batman, was I WRONG! I was so focused on the negative that I couldn't see the positive... I truly would go back and change things IF I had a second chance. You have a second chance... start a gratitude list/journal..you know what I am talking about...list 3-5 things that your spouse did/does to help lighten your load and when you focus on the positive your whole attitude will shift.
I am doing ok now...no longer a downpour but just a drizzle...but I know that there will be other downpours in our lives when we are least expecting it, but I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, wonderful friends and a church that will help us through this process. Thank you to each and everyone for your continued love and prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we slowly get through this.
I am praying that God touches and begins to Heal you as only He can. That as He ministers to you - that you are able to receive it - His love and grace and His forgiveness. I am praying too that the enemy does not have legal ground to heap up any kind of condemnation upon you or your children but that He is forced by the army of Angels and Our Living God to flea and retreat from attacking you as you walk this journey with our Loving Father. Thank you for keeping us apprised of your journey and helping us to know specifically how to pray and lift you each up before the Lord!! I pray that God continues to not only meet your every need but far exceed your furthest imagination so He may be glorified even more! God bless you. Your sister in Christ - Suzanne
ReplyDeleteHugs and kisses!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words of wisdom, Melissa. How true they are ... MANY days I find myself grumbling over all my jobs and the "lack of help" from my family. But yet I can't imagine life without them. I think and pray for you often as I can only imagine what you must be going through on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. I'm reminded of Jim's words recently ... "Hold fast to Christ for there you will find serenity in the eye of the storm". We are here for you, my friend, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on ... Staci
ReplyDeleteIt would be impossible to love someone as deeply as you loved Steve and not have feelings of guilt about what you could have done or said differently. We don't appreciate what we have in the moment (why else would Eve have eaten that apple), we don't stop and smell the roses. It's not because we are doing these things deliberately; it's because we are faulty, imperfect, lovable humans. It's those things you are kicking yourself for now, that gave Steve reason to love you even more. It made you uniquely the person god designed for Steve.
ReplyDeleteIn my prayers,
Bobby