We Run to Remember....

I sit here in total disbelief that it has been 9 months since Steve passed. Nine months... It was pretty soon after he died that the family was trying to think of a way to honor him. We decided to run in the Oklahoma City Marathon. In 2008, Steve ran his first and only marathon in Oklahoma City with the title "A Run to Remember"...how fitting for us 3 years later.

I sit here in this hotel in absolute awe at all the family and friends that have traveled to come and be a part of this either as a runner or as a cheerleader. Sixty, yes 60, people gathered for dinner tonight before our big run in the morning. My emotions got the best of me as I sat and realized the enormity of all of this... I cannot thank everyone enough for being a part of this, either as a runner, cheerleader or prayer warrior for us. I know Steve is up there smiling as several of us run for the first time, and as Susie runs her very first marathon, in honor of him. Now I want everyone reading this to understand something...we aren't all running the marathon, but the marathon relay. Spencer, Sydney and I will be running 3.1 miles together, and for the record...I still don't love running, but do it to honor him. Missing him so much tonight...

Camp Wilderness

I left Friday night in hopes to draw some of the 5th and 6th graders at our church a little closer to God. Little did I realize how healing this weekend would be for me. I have to give credit to Stacy Guerrero and her husband for putting all of this together. She has a true passion for this and it shows. We started the weekend off with a meal and the dove right into the details of Holy Week. We spent time in large groups discussing, praising, singing and watching video clips to better understand what Jesus went through. We also met in small groups to have discussions and reflect of how this affects us. There were many fun activities planned and some down time for the kids too. It truly was fun just hanging out with these kids.


Crab walk race...truly thinking I might have broken my thumb I was going so fast...


Dodge ball...the groups favorite activity...I was just the photographer...


Spencer and Jesus at "The Last Supper"

The meal served at "The Last Supper"

I think it hit me the hardest when we went to "The Last Supper". To know that HE died for me, Melissa Gouldsmith, was almost more than I could handle. The pain and sacrifices He made for each one of us is unfathomable. How truly blessed I am that He made that sacrifice, for if He had not, I am not sure where I would be in this grieving process. But knowing that one day I will see Steve again, brings a little peace to my heart. How thankful I am for HIS sacrifice.

It was also a great weekend for me to just to get to hang out with Spencer and watch him grow in his faith. To see the light go on that he truly gets it was a wonderful moment as a mom! Love that kid!



Please try and pause each day this week...this Holy Week and remember what HE has done for each and everyone of us. And as always, if you are ever wanting a place to come and worship you are always welcome at The Summit. Happy Easter!

New adventures

I dropped the kids off at school today and set about to tackle my errands. But I was nervous about the errand I had to run today...it was a new adventure, something I had never done before and wasn't quite sure how to do it. I am a forty year old woman, and I have never done this before..scary and a blessing all at once. I passed the turn in to the place and had to circle back. As I was circling back I was trying to calm my fears and was telling myself that I was going to feel so good about myself after I completed this task. I truly had knots in my stomach. So what caused all this this trepidation? I had to take my car in and get the oil changed...Yes you read that correctly...I had to get my oil changed... I know, I know, you are thinking "what are you kidding me?..she is worked up over an oil change?". Truly I had NEVER, EVER, done this before. I had my own mechanic in my house and was spoiled ROTTEN when it came to the maintenance of my car. If there was a job that he couldn't do, well he was the one to make all the arrangements, get the parts, and talk to the mechanic. I truly have never had to do anything with my car, until now. Well, Adams Toyota you passed with flying colors. Thank you for helping me through this process...even if I didn't know you weren't supposed to park, but drive into the service area..oops. It truly was a great experience. Little did they know that they had a terrified woman sitting in their waiting area. I survived! I survived! It truly made me stop and think about all the things I have had to do in these past 8 1/2 months for the first time...I was pretty spoiled before and didn't even realize it! I know I have said this before, but don't take your significant other for granted, they truly do more for you than you realize...keep a list...I think you would be surprised. The things may seem insignificant now, but stop and think if I had to do everything, with no help you would appreciate even the smallest thing like cleaning out the litter box, getting the trash together, fixing the broken picket on the fence, cleaning out the gutters, packing the car for trips, so many little things that add up to so much. Truly the next time someone does something for you, no matter how small, thank them because they have just made your life a little bit easier.

Keeping Score

Tonight was one of those times that I caught me off guard. It was just your normal breezy night at the ballpark. I was all snuggled into the sleeping bag getting ready to watch Spencer's first baseball game when his coach walked over and asked the mom next to me to keep score. Simple really, but I had to hold back the tears because the normal person to keep score for the Red Devils, Spencer's team, is now in heaven. As much as I grumbled over him keeping score every game last year and left me to keep track of Sam, I sat there wishing he were there keeping score and I was having to keep track of Sam. Simple things that hurt so much...

Strong...

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Over these past 8 months I have had several people tell me what a strong person I am. This has puzzled me for quite some time, as I don't see myself as a strong person. Because I truly believe that anyone in a situation like mine would also be considered "strong". At first I thought it was because of my children that I was perceived as "strong". When you have kids, there is no time to be a puddle on the floor. Sure I have my moments when I am puddle, but then someone needs help with homework or taken to practice or dinner and I have to continue on with life. The world doesn't stop, and maybe that is a blessing. So I finally figured it out...I am strong...strong in my faith, because without God's love and grace I truly do not know where I would be. God gives me the strength to face each day. He gives me the strength to know it's ok to cry and be sad, but not to stay stuck there. He gives me the strength to miss Steve, but know that I will see him again. And for the record, I am not strong in my faith 100% of the time and you know what God is ok with that too...because He knows I will always return to Him.

Faith is a hard thing, and I have grown in my faith through all of this because truly there was know where else to turn. Yes, I have family and friends, but God knew I needed HIM. I am still growing in my faith and will until I die. Faith is all about trust and trusting is something I have always struggled with. But truly it wasn't until Steve's death that I realized I truly have control over NOTHING!! NADA! ZILCH! God has a plan, HIS plan and I have to have faith and trust in HIM. So truly the best compliment I could get right now is for someone to say that I am strong....strong in my faith.

The Phone Calls....

The kids and I set out Sunday afternoon to go and visit my parents and sister for a few days in Oklahoma. After arriving my sister Laura and Kim both talked with their husbands to let them know they had arrived safely. It was then that it hit hard that I had no one to call and let know I had arrived safely. Typically on Spring Break the kids and I would visit my parents while Steve stayed home and worked on tax preparations....but this year, I was alone and had no one to call.

On Monday evening I had a dream...a glorious and wonderful dream. Steve called me in my dream. He told me he missed me and that he was sorry all of this had happened, but most of all he told me that he was ok. I told him that I had refinanced the house, bought a new car and that I had gotten the tax stuff sent off to Brinker already. He told me he was happy I bought the car as he wanted the kids and I to be safe. He then said "hate to cut this short, but I have a committee meeting to get to". Makes me smile to think of it right now...that last comment is SO Steve.

Not too long ago I posted this comment on Facebook "Some days all I wish is that heaven had a phone"...Thank you Lord for allowing the call to go through...It has brought so much peace to my heart.

The Struggle with Labels

Ever since Steve died I have struggled with the fact that I am a "single" parent now and the negative aspect that society has placed on being a "single" parent. Not that there is anything wrong with being a single parent and many reading this don't think a bad thought about "single" parents, but trust me, there are many out there who do treat you like you have a disease. Here is what bothers me, Steve and I truly had finally gotten to a point where we got it...got the whole marriage thing, the whole parent thing, the WHOLE life thing. Now I am not saying life was perfect, is it really ever perfect? I can only think of one PERFECT person and Steve is with Him now. I have had many friends that have had the terrible misfortune of going through a divorce saying one of the hardest things for them was being labeled a "single" parent. I understand, but for me, I didn't choose to be single and I think that is why it pains me. I realize that some single parents didn't "choose" it either, I just hope you get what I am saying and that you aren't offended by my feelings. I often want to wear a sign that says "My husband died, and I didn't choose to be single. I loved being Mrs. Steve Gouldsmith" or some variation of this. But today I read from another widow's blog that we are "only" parents...finally a term that I can live with. I am the ONLY parent to my children, and you know what sometimes it flat out stinks...I have to be the bad guy, have to make choices on my own and hope and pray for the best. I am the only parent when someone is throwing up in the night, the only parent helping with homework, the only parent making sure that teeth are brushed and deodorant is on, the only parent making the financial decisions that could affect the rest of our lives etc. etc. etc. Now don't get me wrong I love being the mom to these three precious souls, and there are perks that go with the job. And honestly, I have been blessed with the out pouring of love of family and friends that have stepped in when they knew I needed another "parent". Maybe you know an "only" parent and can offer help to them, whether it be to hang out with their kids while they get groceries or help shuffle them to and from activities, offer advice when they are struggling with parent decisions, tell them what worked for you or just go and hang out with them so there is another adult in the house for conversation. Just reach out and show God's love.