It happens in a blink...

I am finding it difficult to believe that it has been 4 weeks since Steve's accident. At times it seems like it has been longer, yet at other times it seems just like yesterday. I feel like I have been dealing with the banks and life insurance for MONTHS...yet it has only been weeks. I feel blessed that I was married to such a smart financial man. Many people rely only on the life insurance that is provided to them through their employer. But Steve, wow.. I think we had not even been married a year when we set up additional life insurance, what a true blessing. It is something that you hope you will never need to use, but in my case, I am so glad he had the foresight to go ahead and take care of this for us and for our children. If you need a great Life Insurance guy let me know...ours has been WONDERFUL through all of this---he even makes house calls.

Another thing that he did about 7 years ago is to set up a Trust, where all our assets would go in case something happened to either one of us...this has kept us out of probate and has had many other benefits. I truly remember him trying to explain this to me, but I didn't get it...but "trusted" him so I signed the papers. What a gem I had!

I was telling my dad this morning that one of the most frustrating things for me at this point is the fact that I cannot remember anything or think straight. I am glad my cell phone has a calendar on it, as most days I am not even sure of the day of the week, much less the date. For any of you who know me...I am a details person, I don't miss much. But wow! This has thrown me for a loop. So be patient with me and give me some grace because truly I may not intentionally do something..just kindly remind me of things that I should or should not be doing. There are so many people that have asked "what can I do to help?" Truly, my brain is not functioning like that right now, I am not thinking of the future...just trying to get through the day. So please don't think I don't need your help, as I am living moment by moment...so if you think of something or see something that needs to be done..do it or ask me specific things, as I may not be thinking about that particular thing. For instance, I had a very nice friend and mom to one of Spencer's friends that emailed me and told me she picked up Spencer's band book...ummm didn't even realize he needed one...I am sure he told me, but it didn't get written down, so it didn't get remembered.(Thanks Andrea!) So if you tell me something and it's important...make sure I write it down or call and remind me a few times. Truly I am grateful for all the love and support I have had, it has been amazing. If you are ever in the neighborhood come by and chat and sit for awhile...as that brings much comfort to me.

One more update. I have had several people ask about Sam's diet...Yes I am still doing her diet. It is going good----not perfect, but good. With all the stress, I would be foolish to think we would be seizure free at this point. We need prayers for her not to be so stinkin stubborn and to eat her food. It's a control game with her and she likes to store her food in her mouth. If she doesn't eat the food, then there isn't enough fat in her body to help control the seizures...so truly we do need prayers for her. We have seen a reduction in seizures but they have not been eliminated yet. We go Thursday for a "check-up". I am hopeful that at the end of three months we will be seizure free. But one of the best benefits we have seen..... the night Steve passed she slept through the night and has ever since....some think it's the diet......me........I think it's because her daddy is with her at night. Thanks honey!

Happy Birthday Steve

Today started the year of firsts for us...First birthday to celebrate without my dear sweet husband. Steve was never big on celebrating his birthday, but always went along for the kids sake. We decided to celebrate Steve style. We stopped and bought balloons and the kids tied a note to theirs to send to Steve. Next stop...go kart riding...that is where we released the balloons. Steve loved and I mean LOVED to ride go karts. He was such a nice, caring and compassionate man---except on the go kart course and then it was all or nothing! Today riding was fun and sad all at the same time but yet healing to our soul. We then headed to go and see Toy Story 3...a movie we said we were going to take in before school started. Steve would have loved this movie with all the puns. Our evening finished off with Spencer's Boy Scout Court of Honor where he received 10 merit badges....ones that he had earned at camp this summer with Steve. It was a hard day for all but we have vowed that every August 23rd we will ride go karts and watch Toy Story 3...oh yeah and have a silly string fight.




















I love you Steve and always will. I hope you enjoyed your birthday...I know we enjoyed celebrating and remembering you. Hugs and kisses....

Bitter Sweet......

Today I receive a package in the mail from Midwest Transplant Network. At first I couldn't open it because of what I knew was inside of it....the list of what tissues and other things that were donated to others from Steve. The finality of it all brought tears to my eyes and it was so hard to breathe. I knew these papers were coming as I was the one that said yes to donating, as I know that Steve would have wanted that. I so could hear him saying "what good are they doing me?". But to see the list in black and white...I knew that would be difficult. I finally opened it and was amazed.....truly amazed at how many people he helped even after his death. They were able to recover grafts of bone and its associated connective tissue, heart valves, skin, pericardium and his corneas. They estimated that he helped over 50 people...what a true gift! I am hopeful that one day I may get to meet someone that was helped by this donation. Steve is living on in many of us...some more than others.

Hard Knock Lessons

I have spent the last several days sifting through bills, credit card information, bank statements and many more paperwork items trying to get a sense of what my monthly budget will look like. You see, I was spoiled with a capital S...Steve took care of everything when it came to finances. Ok so it was nice not to have to worry about keeping up with all of the bills and paying them on time, but truly I wish I would have sat down with him at some point to see how each bill was paid. I can't tell you how many calls I have made to see when the money will be drawn from the account.

So my advice to you whether you pay the bills or you depend on someone else to pay the bills, sit down and talk about it and create a list of when the bills are due, how they are paid (automatic bank draft, credit card, or the old fashion way), and any usernames and passwords you may use. This would have saved me much time and heartache. The only company that truly gave me any grief was Sprint, and how ironic is that because it is the company he used to work for some time ago. You see when they asked me for his childhood friend, I struck out. It wasn't that I couldn't name childhood friends, I just couldn't name the right childhood friend. Their solution...take a death certificate to the nearest store with photo id so they could help me. Just what every grieving widow wants to do with her time... But I must say the people at the Sprint store were fabulous...so much so I called the manager to tell him.

Never in a million years did I think I would be a widow at 39 and have to learn about finances the hard way. I had the best teacher of finances for 16 years and I didn't take advantage of that, and I regret that missed opportunity. God gives us all strengths and weaknesses and He wants us to learn from those around us, and I truly blew it on this one...there was so much to learn from Steve, but I let my pride get in the way. I didn't want to have to admit that I didn't understand much of what he was talking about when it came to finances. How stupid and crazy is that? As he truly was one of THE most patient people I have ever known. I vow to learn from those around me and ask questions when I don't understand because you never know when you are going to need that information. God truly wants us to learn from each other and share that knowledge with those around us. So what can I learn from you?

All alone...

So tonight is the first night that we will spend alone in our house since Steve's passing. While it is so quite, there is a calm in it all at the same time. I enjoyed having family around, but also knew that this all would need to take place in order for healing to begin for my family. Tonight we had a storm pass through and we heard the thunder before any rain began to fall. Spencer explained the thunder this way " it's my dad playing the drums". While it caught me off guard, it also brought some peace to me...now every time it thunders I will think of my dear, sweet husband playing the drums. He had quite the audience tonight....Spencer, Sami and Aunt Susie danced and played in the rain to his beautiful music...I took the pictures. (will add those once I find the cord..oops)

With the quiet time on my hands there are so many things that run through my head. One of them being how often times when we are married that we don't share the good things that our spouses do for us...we often complain what they did or didn't do...which often gives off the wrong perspective of the person that we truly love and admire. Why do we do that? Is it because if we say that our spouse put the kids to bed, made dinner, did the laundry or various other little tasks that it comes across as bragging? I know that Steve knew that I loved him with all my heart, but if there is one thing that I could go back and undo, it would be the times that I would complain about Steve when I was frustrated. I wish I would have bragged about him a little more often. You see I truly don't know of a more loving and devoted husband and father than Steve. He truly put us first above everything else and I didn't always see that and for that I am truly sorry. So do me a favor...when you are around me...brag, --brag about your spouse, appreciate all the little things that they do to try and make your life a little easier and brighter. If we stay focused on the positive think how much happier we all would be.

One day at a time.............

Today was a tough one. I truly believe that the shock and numbness is beginning to wear off and I am now truly grasping that my life has forever changed. Now don't get me wrong I knew a week ago that my dear sweet husband was not coming back, however, when you lose a person, you don't get time to grieve right then and there as there are so many things to take care of first. Now that the visitation and Celebration of Life service have been completed, I now have time to sit and think about what our life is truly going to be like. It so scares me to think that what we used to do together I will now have to do on my own. I have had a wonderful outpouring of love and generosity and I know that I will have support in certain areas, but truly there will be times when it is just me...and me alone that must deal with situations....just difficult as I was so used to having that built in support.

The visitation Friday night was simply amazing. You see I thought there would be around 200 or so there. My estimation was way off. They estimated that there were over 1,000 people that attended, and several that tried to wait but couldn't because of other obligations. What a true testament to the person he was. So many lives touched and changed forever.

The Celebration of Life service was wonderful, and it truly was a celebration of his life. The Praise team did an incredible job with the entire planning of the service, thank you to all of those who helped make it such a memorable service. There were many times that tears were shed during the service, but the hardest part was when the drums were left empty and the spotlight was on them during the last song. To think that I will not hear him play again is difficult. I was always the proud wife when he played during service. I truly believe that this service was Steve's one last shot to not only draw people to our church, but most importantly towards God. Steve walked the walk and lived his faith out until his last breath and he always wanted to share that with others.

Today during church, my heart ached as if there was a hole in it. This will be one of many times I am for sure. Things that just catch me off guard...for instance when we were coming home there was a dad taking a walk with his daughter and it brought tears to my eyes...something that is gone forever in my life. So many things that run through my head about the things that will never be....

Hold tight to those you love and make sure they know that you love them each and everyday.

I've never been more homesick than now...

Today has been a difficult day with many more ahead I know. My sister in law and I had to take Sam in to get her blood level check to see how her medicine is doing, and as I am checking in the receptionist said "the primary phone ends in 3830?", I tearfully said, "no, that was my husbands number and he was killed in a tragic accident Saturday". Her reply was, "Ok". Ok are you kidding me...I wanted to stand up and scream at her, "did you hear me, the love of my life and the father to my children DIED on Saturday, no it's not ok, it is far from ok. I was robbed of so many things." This truly made me stop and think about how many times I have not been compassionate for others and made me realize how so often we are focused on what is next and not focused on the here and now, as I have to believe this is what happened with the receptionist...she was focused on what other information she needed and didn't really HEAR what I said. So take time and really listen to others and truly hear what they are saying.

Next, we had to take everything up to the church for the visitation. I truly hadn't put much thought into how I might react... I should have. I walked in to see the most breathtaking portrait of my beautiful husband. I had to move the picture and set it up on the stage for a moment, but as I moved it, it was right at eye level, he was truly looking me in the eye-- I so wanted to kiss him. It is such a life like portrait of him. Teresa, I can't thank you enough for that gift...you are so talented! I then found myself wondering from table to table looking at all the photos that we have prepared to share Steve's life. It was at that moment that it hit me...there will be no more pictures to take, no more memories to make. Tears sprung to my eyes and my heart hurt. My poor beautiful babies loved their dad so much and now that chapter is through. I realize there will be new chapters, but truly I would have been ok if the dad and husband chapter was a little longer.

Now, I sit here with my wonderful family picking out music to play during the slide show. I keep saying I shouldn't have to be doing this, this is so unfair. However, I know there is a reason, yet I don't understand, so I must and will trust in the Lord to show me the why behind all of this. I know I will stumble and fall but I have the most incredible support system...one that I did not realize was as strong as it is until this all happened. It has been good to laugh, cry and reminisce with everyone about Steve, but truly I wish he were here. All those things that irritated me or that I didn't like to do, wow...what I would do to be able to hear him clap so loud that it hurt my ears,watch him play rough with the dogs, or to rub his feet. So even though people around you may frustrate you or irritate you let those go and focus on what is truly important and that is the love,---the love you have for each other.

Tomorrow and Saturday will probably be the most difficult days for my children and I, but I know with the strength of God that we will get through this difficult time. I know I have said it before, but please take heade, learn from my tragic loss to make your relationships more meaningful and passionate. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they mean more than you could ever know.

The photo above was the last picture taken of Steve with his family...I am so glad that God gave me the passion for taking pictures. How easily it could have been to just leave the camera at home, but now I have a picture to remember some of those last moments with him. Thank you God...it will be a precious memory for us for years to come.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

What change will you make? I hope it is one that will inspire others.