1,095 Days And Counting

When I say he's been gone 3 years that is hard, but to see that I have survived over 1,000 days without him is crazy. There is always dread and anticipation leading up to this day....I start reliving what we were doing and the conversations we had and the memories make me cry.

I reflect back on the journey I have been on these last three years and know that it is because of the grace of God that we are where we are at in this journey because of him. I have always been open and honest with the thoughts and feelings I have experienced through this whole ordeal. While some struggle with my raw honesty it is my hopes that I can help anyone going through a struggle that while difficult, they too can make it through. It is because I try to embrace the feelings we go through that I feel my children are where they are at in this journey. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't remember him in some way. For me, just looking at my children is a constant reminder....what a blessing.

Trust me, we still have our bad days... The "I didn't sign up to do this alone" when Sam is giving me fits with her meals or behaviors, when Spencer is trying to assert his teenage independence or when Sydney gets the sassy attitude .... It's more than I can take some days and get mad because I am having to do this alone. There are days I wonder if my children's behavior is normal kid stuff or if they are going through emotions because of the loss of their dad. None the less, I still have to help them through their feelings.... By myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have an amazing support system but parenting my children I do on my own. While I may seek the advice from others it is still me that has to enforce, love and discipline these sweet souls. I often wonder how Steve thinks I am doing and wish that there was some way for me to know. His opinion always mattered to me.... And still does to this day. I want to make him proud.

Marriage Reflections

 

 

Yesterday came and went and memories flooded my mind.  It would have been our nineteenth anniversary... would have.... There were happy tears, sad tears and thoughts of would have's and could have's.  When I reflect back on my marriage there are so many emotions.  Our first year of marriage, I truly didn't know if we were "meant" for each other.  Had we fallen into the trap of "we are leaving college, so we better find someone to spend the rest of our lives with"?  To say our first year of marriage was hard, that is an understatement.  It was such a learning experience for both of us.  As the years went by, we learned how to truly become one...Well for the most part... we had our set backs and we liked to push each other's buttons, but it made our relationship exciting.  I have to admit that I was a naïve young lady, I truly thought marriage should be similar to what was in the movies and on TV...to an extent.  I never really understood that marriage truly is work...hard work.  It was a full time job.  Once I realized this, it truly made our marriage better.  There were times when we both would get busy and not "work" at our relationship and that is when the problems would arise.  It was a vicious cycle...I wouldn't give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't give me what I wanted...and around and around it would go.  Once we both put one another first, that cycle was broken and harmony came to our marriage.  The last few years together truly were some of the best we spent together....it took so much time fine tuning what we had.  There were many times that either of us could have thrown in the towel and walked out the door but we stuck it out...we took a vow and made a commitment.  I think society makes it too easy to walk away...are there times it needs to happen, absolutely, but so many times, people quit when it gets too hard.  I think about different things that have happened in my life and what has made me grow the most is during the times when things are "hard".  I get stretched in so many directions but come out a stronger person because of the circumstances.  I feel so blessed that I didn't give up on our marriage, that we stuck it out even if it was only for 16 years together.  We had such a unique relationship that many may not understand, but with out a doubt we loved each other from the depths of our souls.  There is not a thing we wouldn't do for each other.  So what helped us get to that point in our marriage?  Several things.. the most important one...prayer...and lots of it...Prayer together, prayer alone, and prayer as a family.  I didn't grow up praying and this one was hard for me...was I supposed to talk out loud, or to myself....God doesn't care...He hears it any way you want to call out to him.  Another way, was by seeking counsel from people who had been there done that.  We joined marriage groups at church and even led some later in our marriage. It amazes me how many people struggle in their marriage and don't want to admit it or reach out for help. God put us on this earth together for a reason.  There were books that we read... The 5 Love Languages and Love and Respect are just 2 of many that helped us.  Once the kids arrived, we had to truly schedule time to sit and talk.  Marriage takes true concerted effort. While I had 16 years with him, I get sad and teary eyed thinking how great 20, 25, 50 years would have been with him.  Do I feel ripped off....absolutely.  But I know that I am blessed.  God has a plan for me....not quite sure what that plan is, but I do trust him 100%.  So for now, I will just continue to be transparent in hopes that I might help someone else... because we aren't meant to do life alone. 

All in due time....

It's hard to believe that it's been 961days since Steve's passing.  There are days it feels like just yesterday...and days where I measure events based on if Steve was still alive or if he had already passed.  I am proud of how far we have come.  It has been a difficult road but I truly feel like we have honored Steve with continuing on and living life.  We have moved through almost every stage of grief and have learned to cling to those we love dearly.  But I do have a confession to make....

I sit her tonight knowing that I will be taking Sam in tomorrow morning to have her foot X-rayed.  Now let me explain, she had surgery on her right foot February 1st and last Monday she fell and broke her left foot.  Tonight she had a seizure and fell and held her right foot saying "boo boo", which translated means PAIN!!!  Spencer complained of pain in his foot after track started...so I will be having 2 children X-rayed tomorrow....

No this isn't my confession... my confession... I am almost paralyzed with fear of something happening to my children or to me.  I know this is normal and I know that I need to work through this, but it is times like these that my heart just aches....We still continue with life, but when they are away from me or something happens to them, there is a worry that overcomes me.  I hide it from most of the world and from my children, but I have very restless sleep until we are all back together again or until they are whole.  Spencer recently got to go on a trip of a lifetime...he went camping in Minnesota with his scout troop. He left for the trip before I got home from school and then didn't have his phone for most of the trip.  It was hard...really hard on me...but I was so glad he had the chance to go and it made his homecoming so sweet.  I am that over protective parent.....I admit it...and I know I need to loosen up some...I am a work in progress.  The thought of losing one of them is truly crippling...the thought of something happening to me and them not having either parent is just as difficult.  Did any of this ever cross my mind when Steve was alive, not really...Don't get me wrong, I have always worried about my children, but not to the degree that I do now.  Death is a funny thing...it puts perspective on so much of your life, yet, it can cripple you in so many ways.  I feel that I have been blessed with not getting crippled by many of the things I could, yet I can't seem to shake this one.  All in due time, all in due time...

ELEVEN things I LOVE about SYDNEY!!

 

In a blink of an eye this sweet face.....

 

Turned into this beautiful face....

 

In honor of Sydney, let me tell you 11 things I LOVE about her!

 

1.  Her beautiful smile.

2.  How she sees good in every person she meets

3.  Her love for always doing her very best, even when it's hard

4.  How she says she doesn't like to play goalie, yet she does an excellent job every single time!

5.  The fact that she is a peacemaker, and wants everyone to be happy.

6.  Her sense of fashion...she puts her mama to shame!

7.  How loving and caring she is to Sam

8. Her HUGE heart...and the love she shares with everyone

9.  Her memory....and how she keeps me on track...She is going to be a great mom one day!

10.  Her quirky sense of humor and how she can make me laugh, even when I don't feel like it

11.  The beauty she exudes on the inside and out. She is one amazing young lady.

 

 

I am blessed to be the mom to this amazing child.  To say I am proud of her doesn't even begin to describe how wonderful I think she is as a person.  She's going to do great things with her life and it will be in a place where she will serve others, as she truly does have a servants heart. 

Band Aid Please

I never have been an analogy type person, but today for some reason I am.  I can remember when I was in first grade and my sister Kim and I went for a bike ride with some friends of ours.  I had a horrible wreck.  I was skinned up from head to toe.  I remember my mom cleaning up my cuts and putting on band aids.  But one of the main things that I remember, and sorry if this grosses you out... but as those cuts began to heal I would peel back the scab and watch the cut bleed a little...oh yes, my mother warned me this would cause scaring.   Today, a scab in my life was peeled back.  I had taken Sam back to the orthopedic doctor to have her foot recheck.  She broke it in June of 2012....and we have been in and out of a cast and boot ever since.  I had a gut feeling that the x-rays were going to reveal a break, and I was correct on my assumption.  Now don't get me wrong, being told it was still broken and that she will need surgery did not peel back that scab.  No, not at all...it was the fact that I had to make a decision about our child by myself.  The whole dang scab was ripped from the wound and I was alone with no one to put a band aid on it.....does it ever completely heal and form a scar, I guess time will tell. 

Spencer is 14 on 12-12-12

Fourteen years ago we had a surprise ....well an early surprise. Spencer arrived 3 weeks early and we weren't prepared. Linda had just perfected the nursery for us, I had finished thank you notes and then I couldn't sleep.... I woke up Steve and he timed my contractions but thought it was false labor because we still had 3 weeks before the baby should  arrived and we had finals to get through. We were both working on our Masters. Well Spencer has proven time and time again he waits for nothing.

14 things I love about Spencer....

1.  His beautiful blue eyes he inherited from his dad
2. The quirky sense of humor he loves to share with everyone.
3. His sense for adventure.... How can sky diving be on his bucket list?
4. Determination to see things through
5. Willingness to try new things
6. His strong sense of faith and his willingness to share it with others.
7. Giving nothing but his best at everything he does
8. His love for family and the understanding the importance of being there for them always.
9. The way he adores Sam and sees the world from a different viewpoint because of her
10. His ability to annoy Sydney yet be the over protective big brother because of his love for her.
11. His ability to make me laugh at almost any situation because of his positive outlook.
12. How truly gets the big picture in life and understands that there is so much more to life than "things".
13. His ability to know that while his dad is not with us, that is dad will always be with us because of his understanding of what God has done for us.
14. His ability to set long range goals and chase them with determination and persistence.

Spencer you truly amaze me. I am so proud to call you my son. I thank God for giving you to us each and every day. Love you to Neptune and beyond.

Happy Birthday Sam!

Seven years ago God entrusted Steve and I to this sweet soul, changing our lives forever.  I remember the day clearly.  There were some complications with her birth and she spent 4 days in the NICU.  It was a whirlwind time at the hospital and we were so thankful that we finally got to bring her home.  I still remember vividly my 8 pound baby in the the NICU...she was  moose compared to most of those babies...

With birthday tradition I am sticking with my norm....

The "7" things I love about Sam....


1.  Her shirt says it all... Sam is always full of smiles...no matter what...
2.  Her laugh is intoxicating
3.  Her love for life..she finds pure happiness in everything
4.  Calling everyone and everything a "good girl"
5.  Her excitement for school....well it's because of the bus...but she loves school too.
6.  The way she plays the guitar...air guitar that is...She LOVES music!
7.  The way she faces each and every challenge with her happy go lucky attitude

Never did I imagine what our life would be like today 7 years ago....Yes, our life has been challenging but truly I am blessed, blessed beyond belief.  Sam has taught us so much in these 7 years that many will never have the privilege of learning.  While at times I feel like I could have a degree in neurology and orthopedics, Sam has taught us to be patient and to trust in God's plan.

 

Happy Birthday Sweet Sam!