He missed it.....

On Friday Spencer turned 16.... a day I was dreading and looking forward to all at the same time.  As with most parents, dread for the worry that will now accompany him every time he pulls out of the driveway, yet there is a good side as well.  As an only parent I have often had to rely on so many to help me get kids where they needed to be, now with another driver that should ease some.

Friday I found myself in tears on numerous occasions.  I had been warned by a friend that this day would be much more difficult than sending him off to kindergarten.  Boy howdy, she wasn't lying. Kindergarten was a breeze in comparison to what I felt on Friday.  I realize that every parent is probably emotional on the day their child drives away.  It signifies so much, it's what we wish for and hope for for our children, yet it is a new chapter that we must face in our lives.  God gave us these precious souls to bring up, to show them how to live independently, yet it hurts so much when they don't need us as much anymore.  For me, there were many more emotions for me.  Steve has been gone a little over 4 years.  We have had numerous holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings but this was truly the biggest milestone we have hit that he wasn't here to be a part of.  He didn't get to see the grin on Spencer's face when he walked in after taking his test to tell me he had passed.  He didn't get to hear the excitement in his voice when he was telling me about the test.  This was a HUGE day for me, but and even bigger day for Spencer and Steve missed it... and it hurts. But he was with us when Spencer in true Steve fashion asked to take a picture like he hadn't passed to send it to family and friends to only send the following picture to let them know it was a joke.

I am so happy for him, yet there is still a little bit of sadness as I watch my baby boy grow up.  Saturday morning he was just hanging out with me and said, "Mom, I know because we have lost dad that you worry more that something will happen to me." No 16 year old should have that weight on their shoulders, but unfortunately my son does.  He then went on to promise that he would text me when he got to his destination.  While I don't know how long this will last, I feel blessed that my son has the compassion to know that this is what I need in order to ease into this next phase of life.  

So Thursday is another HUGE milestone that will be very hard on me, maybe even harder than this one.... Spencer goes for his board of review and will more than likely become and Eagle Scout. Please understand that I love the scouting program and all that it has instilled in my son, but when Steve signed Spencer up for Scouts I told him that this was for him to do, that it was on his plate.  I guess the joke was on me....as it got added to my plate.  I am blessed by all the men and women who stepped up to help me with this challenge. The Boy Scout Program is an amazing program that has helped Spencer in so many ways, that I as a mom could not.  In his letter to his dad after his death, Spencer promised his dad he would get his Eagle.... and he is holding true to that promise.  Too many moments that I wish his dad were here for....

I miss him, and miss that he is missing so much.....He would be so proud.