I know that this will be the theme of our lives for quite sometime. You see we do pretty good for awhile and the BAM something out of the blue hits us. That is what happened the other night. Spencer was helping pick up the family room and turned around and said to me "I am glad we had dad cremated". BAM...where did that come from, I stood there not knowing what to say, so I listened, and I am glad I did. He proceeded to tell me that he was glad for several reasons. One, it was what Steve had wanted. Another reason was because he didn't want to go anywhere to grieve, and that he was glad he could grieve here at home. The last reason was one that I had really never thought about, he said that he was glad Steve was here at home with us because then on holidays we wouldn't have to go to the cemetery to visit him. WOW! His insight continues to amaze me. We all sat on the couch crying and sharing, sharing and crying and Sam got up and gave each of us a Kleenex...what a sweet soul. She may appear not to understand much, but this goes to show you that she understands much more than we may realize.
Tonight was another night about sharing. We were driving and talking about how life had changed and I told Spencer that it scares me to think that I have to do this whole parenting thing by myself, because parents often worry that they are going to do something wrong and mess up their child's life. I told him that once he got married and had children he would understand. He just looked at me with the most innocent eyes and said, "that is a worry I have, getting married and losing my wife too soon." Something I had never thought of, but how do you ease those fears. I can't tell him it won't happen, because who would have ever thought it would happen to us?? So I tell him the only thing I know and that is to trust God and know that even if their time is cut short his life will have been blessed.
As much as it pains me to see my children hurting it also is comforting to me that they share with me their inner most feelings. So we had a little detour and I am sure there will be more along this road, but I am so glad that we could sit and chat about it and know that we are here for each other....always.
Sorry that you all have to take steps back but I love that you all have each others back!
ReplyDeleteWhat insight! Spencer is so sweet. He is learning more than most people do in a lifetime.... I worry daily about losing Allen, but my faith in God is so strong that I know that ultimately it is out of my control. God is taking care of you guys and I am so proud and amazed by your strength.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your posts Melissa. Not because of the horrible tragedy of losing Steve, but because I can be reminded to love while you can. You never know if they will be there tomorrow! God bless you and the kids, and thank you for allowing us to be apart of your journey.
ReplyDeleteon a side note...today in church I was singing along and during a couple of the songs I remember how Steve would have done his part, emphasizing curtain areas. And I just began to tear up. Not saying Jeff isn't doing it right, just one of those things I remember about Steve :) Karie
Isn't it amazing what children can think of or about. I know you will show them and teach them so they wont have to worry.
ReplyDeleteAs a adult who lost her Father when I was very young, I know the "fear" Spencer speaks of. I can tell you Melissa you are a amazing Mom and Spencer is wise beyond his years! I can tell you are saying what my Mom always said to me and that I would not be the person I am today had my path been different. I still miss my Dad everyday but I remember him as if I were a little girl sitting on his lap drinking grape soda!!
ReplyDeletewith much love,
Wendy