The Village He Created

Father's Day always makes me sit and reflect.  Today I sat and scrolled through Facebook posts seeing all the sweet and sentimental posts to each person's husband or their own father.  For me, as I sit and reflect on Father's Day, I truly don't know that I can make a post about all the father figures that have been such an influence in my children's lives, as I know I would forget someone.  While still seven years later I still wonder why this all happened I do believe that Steve laid a foundation and brought several people into our lives knowing what an integral part they would play in our children's lives.  I sit and think of all the men that have been and still are in their lives and see the influence they have had on us.  From teachers, coaches, counselors, uncles, cousins, grandpas, friends of the family to acquaintances, they have all played a very important role. Simple things like singing the National Anthem every time you see Sam, to Whistle Stop Fridays with Sydney, to helping Spencer fix his car, such simple things that have such a huge impact. As I have said before, this is one area I can't step up to...Men play a very special place in the lives of children. Every man has the possibility of making a difference in a child's life even if you are not their dad.  You can become a part of someone's village, don't sell yourself short, you have so much to contribute to a child's life....even if their dad is still alive.

  Steve created a village to make sure his kids would be ok....I am blessed by this village and have welcomed more into it since his passing.  So thank you to those who have been there for my kids.  Happy Father's Day to everyone who makes a difference in a child's life!

I Can't Fix This

A few weeks ago while scrolling through Facebook I came across an article by a widow entitled "I Can't Fix This".  I sat reading it, nodding and crying. There are moments in our life that I can't fix for my children and it's crushing.  One of those times happened this past weekend and I know several more will happen in the months to come as we are crossing some huge milestones.

Spencer attended his Senior Prom.  He was absolutely debonair. Looking at him was painful in a way for me as it reminded me so much of his dad.  I was so proud of myself as I held my composure....until I got in the car.  It seems I have many of conversations with Steve while driving.  This one went something like this..."You missed it...one of the biggest moments in his life, and you missed it.  You would be so proud of him.  He has turned into quite the gentleman."

This one...Wow...how much he resembles his dad.



Why I thought I was going to be the only one having a melt down I am not sure.  Spencer's came on Sunday as he was reflecting on his weekend.  His heart was probably heavier than mine....and I couldn't fix it...and that absolutely is one of the worst feelings. One of the things he said to me that truly knocked the wind out of me was when he said "dad doesn't know who I am".  What a true statement.  Spencer was a mere 11 when his dad passed, a child.  He is now a young adult with so much more experience and responsibility.  While he knows a pain most children his age do not, he also knows how to rise above situations and to make the most out of things.  He knows how to express what he is feeling and embraces those feelings.  He knows how to question things and knows that life is unfair but it is what you make of it that counts.  He knows that without a doubt his dad loved him with all his heart.  But most of all, Spencer knows how to love and what is most important in this life...and that is relationships.

As we approach graduation I know there are going to be many more moments that I can't fix. Spencer and I have decided to embrace what we can't change and try to make his dad a part of these moments in a fun way.  So if you see those disgusting orange circus peanuts at his graduation party you will know it's in honor of his dad.  Who knows maybe we will serve QuickTrip taquitos!

Trust the plan

The road traveled over these past six years has been one that has seen some pretty amazing things, but also one that has had several bumps along the way.  Anyone that knows me knows that pictures have always been important in my life. Through the past 6 years I have had family members take pictures of the kids and I....I couldn't quite have a professional take them...as I knew it would be emotional for me.  You see there was someone missing in our family picture.  It's silly I know... he was still missing in the ones family took, but somehow having professional family pictures taken made me sick to my stomach.

Fast forward to Summer 2016....the beginning of Spencer's senior year.  I knew I was going to have to suck it up and put my big girl panties on....God knew I needed someone that would be gentle with me and all the emotions that would run through me while taking senior pictures.  He sent me the most amazing soul.  While I have known Renee for awhile, I didn't know the importance she would play in my life years later.  Renee's husband and Steve went high school together....this is no coincidence that Renee came into our lives...It was all part of a much bigger plan.

September rolled around and it was time to start snapping pictures.  Renee encouraged me to do some family pictures along with Spencer's senior pictures.  I dug deep and found those big girl panties.  How do I even describe the feelings that went through me that day?  My baby boy a senior, my family picture missing someone, Steve missing out on so much...I was a mess inside.  The encouragement and love I received from Renee that day was just what I needed. She captured the essence of my children....of my family...I couldn't be more pleased with how they turned out.  Thank you Renee for your love, support, encouragement and for capturing these moments!

And while the above picture is my current reality....I am so glad that Renee suggested this....while he may not be with us here on earth, he will forever be in our hearts....and that means more than any one can ever imagine...

Things don't happen by happenstance...That I believe with my whole heart.  Trust in the plan....

God knew....

I have felt compelled to write this post about one of the most influential people in Sydney's life, but I am not even sure how to put into words what this person means to our family.  The relationship with this person started well before Sydney ever stepped a foot into his classroom.  It started when she was a mere 5 years old and stepped foot into his wife's music classroom in kindergarten.  This was when Sydney was bit by the music bug.  Mrs. Morales's enthusiasm and passion made a huge impact on Sydney.  At five we didn't know what importance all of this would mean in the years to come. Sydney continued on with anything musical in her elementary years from choir, to orchestra, to musicals. This was truly some place she could express herself, it was healing for her.  As she left elementary she was placed into some very loving and caring hands at the middle school.  Mrs. Dahn continued to help push Sydney in choir and she added spunk and zest to everything she did.   But this man, has made a HUGE impact on her life.  While I am not downplaying the role these women have made in her life, Mr. Morales came into our lives at a very pivotal point for Sydney.  Losing her dad had left a huge hole in her life.  Mr. Morales truly is a father figure in her eyes.  He helped her see what a loving and caring relationship between a "dad" and daughter should be.  Each and every one of the students in orchestra is one of his kids.  Any outsider can see this by the way he interacts with them. He can joke with them, but he can also give them advice and help steer them on the correct path.  I am truly in awe of him.  He KNOWS each and everyone of his students and is able to reach them in ways that many other teachers cannot.  He takes the time to get to know them....he invests in each one of them.Tonight he held a banquet in their honor.  He called them up one by one and gave them an award. Some were funny and some were serious but they all came from the heart.  So Mr. Morales I don't even know where to begin to thank you for investing in my child.  For loving her like she was your own. For helping her to find her smile and love for life.  But most of all for showing her that there is good in this world and that we need to invest in one another....it cost nothing, but the reward is invaluable.  So glad that you are part of our village.  God knew we needed you in our lives.

How did I get so lucky???

Fourteen years ago God entrusted this beautiful soul to Steve and I.  It's been 5 years that her dad has not been with us....he would be so proud of the person she has become.  Watching her grow these past years I am awe struck at eloquently and gracefully she has embraced life.  She gives me perspective often times of how life should be lived.  What a true blessing she is to all she comes in contact with.  While there are many things that I love about this girl....I will share 14 of them in honor of her 14th birthday.

1. How she calls me madre

2.  Her sensitivity to so many things

3.  How helpful she is to everyone

4.  The love she has for God

5.  How she goes after something once she makes her mind up

6.  Her love for Sam

7.  Her passionate spirit

8.  How she looks out for the underdog

9.  Her love for family

10. The way she teases Spencer, it's her way of showing how she loves him

11.  Her fashion sense

12.  Her beautiful smile

13. How she puts 110% into everything she does.  

14. How each morning and night she tells me several times she loves me

I am very blessed...blessed by her spirit, her smile, and her love for life.  I thank God every day that he picked me to be her mom.  Happiest of birthdays to you my sweet Sydney!

The last year of childhood....

As I got on here to type for Sydney's birthday I realized that I had not written for Spencer's....YIKES. Life has been crazy busy....I need to remember to slow down and savor the moments.  I often catch myself with tears in my eyes thinking about how my time him is getting shorter.  While I know this is the natural process, it doesn't make it any easier.  When you have seen your child grow through so many stages of their lives it is hard to believe that in a short time I am going to have to cut those strings.  I have no doubt he will be successful as he has shown great perseverance in so many ways.So while this is late....I have to share 17 things I love about Spencer Cole....

1.  His quirky sense of humor

2.  The silly things he does to Sam just to make her laugh.

3.  How he torments Sydney but becomes over protective 

4.  Those blue eyes

5.  How he embraces things that are out of his control and makes the best of the situation.

6.  His willingness to help others

7.  How much he looks like his dad......

8.  Money is important, however, realizing that investing now is also important.      

9.  His willingness to help me out when I get in a pinch.

10. How he reminds me that next year is his last before he leaves....BOO!

11. His independence

12. His quite strength

13. Showing God's love to others

14. His spontaneity 

15. That he puts everything he has into his job

16.  The texts I get every morning telling me he loves me and to have a great day.

17.  And that he still hugs me and tells me he loves me

As I type this tears stream down my face...tears of happiness for the man he has become but tears of sadness for the little boy that is no longer with me.  Love you Spencer Cole!  You are an amazing young man!

PS...Sorry this is so late...