5 Years and still running.....

On Sunday we will gather for the 5th time to run in this man's honor.  I truly sit in amazement that it has been 5 years we have run this race.  There are days that it seems like 5 days or 5 months and there are days that it seems like 25 years... So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.  I look back at pictures from the first races and I have to smile...we all have made such progress, and grown so much in so many ways, he would be so proud.  I am constantly wondering what the purpose in losing him so young could be.... I know God has a plan for everyone....but I have struggled with why I would have been left a widow with 3 small children.  I sometimes struggle with what my purpose is here on earth, other than to be a mom to my three precious children.  But as I sit and think, I have to wonder if God's plan for me it to show people they can and will persevere in some of the most excruciating circumstances.  I don't always do it with grace because truly we don't know how to walk through fire we when are dealt are difficult hand.  There may not be grace, but I have and I will continue to keep walking and trying to find my way because I refuse to give into defeat.  Or maybe my purpose here is to show people that we can't do life alone, that we have to ask for help, that we have to swallow our pride.  I would not be where I am today without the help from so many.  It was so difficult for me to accept help and to reach out and ask for assistance from others, but truly this has grown me as a person.  Truly my purpose is to love and trust God through everything.....even the difficult moments.....so that others can see God working through me.   I fail at so many things, and I am a work in progress, but I do hope that I am making Him and him proud.  

Say a prayer for us this Sunday as we honor Steve again.  Pray for good weather as we have seen it all....rain hail, tornadoes, and sun. Looking forward to making many more memories.  Much love to all....

Some of my favorite pics from years past...

  

Steve's shoes always run with us.... For he will forever be with us

Boys need their dads.....

On April 12th Spencer will have his Eagle Court of Honor.  To say that I am proud doesn't even describe the feelings that I have.  But do you know what is missing?  This...

Steve lit a fire in Spencer and got him excited about scouting. Spencer has always loved being a scout.  When Steve passed away this was one of many areas that was uncharted waters for me. While I know that many of moms are very involved with Scouts, I was not one of them.  I was blessed by the many men and women that stood up and offered to help.  It was important to Spencer to continue with Scouts to honor his dad.  It was important to me for him to continue Scouts because I wanted him surrounded by good men.  Not to leave the women out here, but there is one thing that I have always known, and that is there are so many things that Spencer cannot learn from me....they are things he must learn from men.  Yes I think women are very capable of many of the same things that men are..... but let's face it...I can't teach him how to be a man, what a man is and what a man does.  I can only give him the perspective of what a woman would like in a man.  Steve had started this process with Spencer but it was cut too short.  How blessed I have been to have so many step in to help Spencer in this area.  

While I have many of friends that are single or only parents and we have done a good job raising our kids, there is not one out there that would disagree with me on the importance of having a strong male role model in their child's life. It truly baffles me when dad's make a choice not to be that positive role model in their child's life.  But yet I have also seen how the dad wants to be a part of their child's life and the woman becomes so controlling, angry and possessive that she uses the child as a pawn.  Does she not realize the damage she is doing to the child?  Dad's have a different type of relationship with their child than the mom does, different.... not wrong.  And if we step back and look at that relationship we will see how truly important it is for the child's over all well being.  Dad's show their sons how to interact with women, how to keep their aggressive impulses under control, and in short, how to get along with others in a way that is assertive, while not aggressive.   I guess this hits a little to close to home for me.  What Spencer would give for his dad to be at his ceremony... people lose perspective......death tends to help you put things into perspective.  Men who aren't active participants in their child's life, I don't get it. Women who become vengeful and use the children as pawns when the dad has been nothing but a good dad all their lives because you are bitter about how life has turned out... I don't get it... Set aside all your personal feelings and step back and look at what is best for the child.....swallow your pride and do what is right. 

God entrusted these three precious souls to Steve and I and when he passed away I was left with the challenge.  I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone.  I still continue to seek people to fill the voids and gaps that have been left.  We aren't meant to do life alone....and I feel very blessed for every person that has stepped up to help me with this journey.  It wasn't easy asking for help, but I had to do what I knew was in their best interest.  

So as April 12th approaches, I won't lie, there is a lump in my throat because of the man that won't be there.  But, I know that there are going to be many men that have played an integral part in helping Spencer become the amazing young man he is today. There will be uncles, grandpas, friends, former bosses, business partners, childhood friends, and many more.  What a blessing..... Thank you to each and everyone of you for stepping in and filling the gaps.  

Sydney's Golden Birthday

Thirteen years ago tonight I went to bed like any other night....only to be awoken in the middle of the night to some intense contractions. Sydney Leeann was ready to face the world. She has been a true blessing and I am so glad that God picked Steve and I to be her parents.  I look at her and I am in awe of her beauty...not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.  This kid is one of THE most compassionate people I know!

In honor of her Golden Birthday...13 on the 13th... here are 13 things I love about this beauty!

1.  Her laugh and her ability to make others laugh

2.  How sensitive she can be

3.  Yet tough when she needs to be...you should see her on the soccer field!

4.  Her passion for playing the violin.

5.  Her sense of adventure..this kid isn't afraid to try anything

6.  Her willingness to put herself out there and walk way knowing she did her best and learning along the way.

7.  Oh did I mention how compassionate she is???? 

8.  Speaking of compassionate...her love for Sam is unbeatable...the stories she has written about Sam are simply amazing!

9.  Her nostrils (sorry this is privy information to a select few)

10.  Her ability to keep perspective

11.  School is important to her and she always tries to do her best.  She truly is thirsty for knowledge. 

12.  Her sense of worry.... worry for me, worry for her brother....worry for those she cares about.  Her heart is HUGE!

13.  The innocence she has...sometimes sweet and other times it cracks us up


It's so hard to believe that when she wakes up in the morning she is going to be 13! I am so proud of her...proud beyond belief...I am her biggest cheerleader and she is mine at times when I need it.  Her spunk and goofiness always bring a smile to my face.  Sydney Leeann....you are a true blessing... Love you more than words can say!

He missed it.....

On Friday Spencer turned 16.... a day I was dreading and looking forward to all at the same time.  As with most parents, dread for the worry that will now accompany him every time he pulls out of the driveway, yet there is a good side as well.  As an only parent I have often had to rely on so many to help me get kids where they needed to be, now with another driver that should ease some.

Friday I found myself in tears on numerous occasions.  I had been warned by a friend that this day would be much more difficult than sending him off to kindergarten.  Boy howdy, she wasn't lying. Kindergarten was a breeze in comparison to what I felt on Friday.  I realize that every parent is probably emotional on the day their child drives away.  It signifies so much, it's what we wish for and hope for for our children, yet it is a new chapter that we must face in our lives.  God gave us these precious souls to bring up, to show them how to live independently, yet it hurts so much when they don't need us as much anymore.  For me, there were many more emotions for me.  Steve has been gone a little over 4 years.  We have had numerous holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings but this was truly the biggest milestone we have hit that he wasn't here to be a part of.  He didn't get to see the grin on Spencer's face when he walked in after taking his test to tell me he had passed.  He didn't get to hear the excitement in his voice when he was telling me about the test.  This was a HUGE day for me, but and even bigger day for Spencer and Steve missed it... and it hurts. But he was with us when Spencer in true Steve fashion asked to take a picture like he hadn't passed to send it to family and friends to only send the following picture to let them know it was a joke.

I am so happy for him, yet there is still a little bit of sadness as I watch my baby boy grow up.  Saturday morning he was just hanging out with me and said, "Mom, I know because we have lost dad that you worry more that something will happen to me." No 16 year old should have that weight on their shoulders, but unfortunately my son does.  He then went on to promise that he would text me when he got to his destination.  While I don't know how long this will last, I feel blessed that my son has the compassion to know that this is what I need in order to ease into this next phase of life.  

So Thursday is another HUGE milestone that will be very hard on me, maybe even harder than this one.... Spencer goes for his board of review and will more than likely become and Eagle Scout. Please understand that I love the scouting program and all that it has instilled in my son, but when Steve signed Spencer up for Scouts I told him that this was for him to do, that it was on his plate.  I guess the joke was on me....as it got added to my plate.  I am blessed by all the men and women who stepped up to help me with this challenge. The Boy Scout Program is an amazing program that has helped Spencer in so many ways, that I as a mom could not.  In his letter to his dad after his death, Spencer promised his dad he would get his Eagle.... and he is holding true to that promise.  Too many moments that I wish his dad were here for....

I miss him, and miss that he is missing so much.....He would be so proud. 

Perspective

I have a very good friend of mine that shared with me that she doesn't do New Years Resolutions. Instead, she picks a word to focus on for the year.  She asked me what my word was for the year so that she could pray for me.  This year I chose the word "perspective".  Today that word truly came into play.  I along with 2 of my colleagues went to visit a former student of ours in the hospital.  I had Jonas in 5th grade at the age of 10.  He was a spry, spunky, fun loving and compassionate 10 year old...and is still all those things now at the age of 16. Jonas is in for the fight of his life right now.  He was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma when he was 13 and has fought the fight with every ounce of his being.  Their family is never far from my prayers. Perspective....even when you think you are fighting a hard battle.... someone else is fighting something much more difficult.  Please pray for Jonas and his family. 

 



A Glorious Unfolding

Through the years there have been songs that speak right to my heart.  Many of times I sing the lyrics but I'm not aware of what they are saying, and then all of a sudden one day the lyrics hit me.  This is true with the following song. 

 

 

Here is just part of the lyrics:

 

"The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding


God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun......

 

I think it's God trying to remind me that I am not in control....He has this.  Be it because I am a widow, an only parent, a mom of a special needs child, a mom of a pre-teen, a mom of a teenager, a working mom, a person just tying to find her place in this world....This song speaks to me in so many ways.  From the beginning I have put my trust in God and His plan and jokingly say I wish I was on his planning committee.  So when life gets me down, this is a song on my "favorites" that I plug in and blare to remind myself that God has this, to slow down and pray. 

 

What's on your heart? Give it to God....He already has it...Your story has only begun and it's going to have a glorious unfolding! 

Tiny Nudges....

As Thursday approaches, and 1,462 days have passed, there are many things that I have learned along this widow journey.  I have often asked God to show me what my purpose is in this life...while I am still trying to figure that out, I felt a nudge from God to write...so I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. 

Grief is different for everyone, I have lived it and witnessed this unfortunately in people close to me.  I have been blessed in so many ways and didn't realize how truly blessed until the death of Steve.  I have to admit, I was complacent...I didn't stop and smell the roses, didn't appreciate the small things in life, or recognize what truly mattered in this life.  I was more worried about how things appeared on the outside.....what others thought of me, of my marriage and my children.  I was trying to create a picture-perfect world for all to see.  Then on July 31, 2010, my world crumbled in an instant....the picture shattered.  I was blessed to be surrounded by so many friends and family members, it is they who carried me through the first year, and still carry me to this day.  The second-year the fog lifted and I continued on, mostly because of the precious souls God had entrusted Steve and me to.  They were looking to me for guidance on how to do this new life that we had been thrust into.  While I know I haven't done things perfectly, I do feel confident that we are closer than ever because of the honest and open relationship that we share.  While the raw openness is hard for "outsiders" to understand, I have learned that doesn't matter, what matters is how my children feel and cope with this journey.  I have been judged and questioned and at first, it threw me into a tailspin, made me question myself.  But at the end of the day, what matters is the peace I have in my heart and the peace my children have in theirs.  Through all this, I have grown so much as a person.  The little things used to get to me, now I probably dismiss the trivial things a little too easily.  But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you eat, what you do, if the trash got taken out, if someone was late, if a chore didn't get completed....what matters is the time you have invested in each other.  I truly enjoy just "being".  Being with the people I care about and love....I love just watching, observing and learning about the people I care about.  So if you think I'm just being quiet....truly I am just learning about the people that surround me.  A phrase that has always been apart of our family is "we're making memories"  It is because of that I feel my children are thriving.  I love it when they say "remember when....".  While it was a daunting task, to begin with, I have continued to make sure that we are "making memories"...we stop and smell the roses...sometimes the roses have thorns but that's ok, it makes for good memories. 

I was fortunate this summer to be an adult leader on our middle school mission trip.  It always seems that I walk away from these experiences feeling blessed.  I honestly believe that everyone has a story, everyone has something difficult they are going through or have been through.  While I may have lost my husband, became a widow at 39, have a child with special needs, I am SO, SO blessed.  While on the mission trip I saw so many things that made my heart ache... one that sticks with me is the woman with tears in her eyes as I offered her an extremely ripe cantaloupe.  She could not believe that I was giving her fresh fruit.  It humbled me...shook me to the core.  While I have had some major bumps along my life's journey, I am blessed and it's a conscious decision to stay focused on the blessings. 



So while my "picture perfect" family is missing someone, I am blessed to know that God will continue to hold us up and help us through this thing we call life.  For beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder....


Much love to you all.