Strong...

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Over these past 8 months I have had several people tell me what a strong person I am. This has puzzled me for quite some time, as I don't see myself as a strong person. Because I truly believe that anyone in a situation like mine would also be considered "strong". At first I thought it was because of my children that I was perceived as "strong". When you have kids, there is no time to be a puddle on the floor. Sure I have my moments when I am puddle, but then someone needs help with homework or taken to practice or dinner and I have to continue on with life. The world doesn't stop, and maybe that is a blessing. So I finally figured it out...I am strong...strong in my faith, because without God's love and grace I truly do not know where I would be. God gives me the strength to face each day. He gives me the strength to know it's ok to cry and be sad, but not to stay stuck there. He gives me the strength to miss Steve, but know that I will see him again. And for the record, I am not strong in my faith 100% of the time and you know what God is ok with that too...because He knows I will always return to Him.

Faith is a hard thing, and I have grown in my faith through all of this because truly there was know where else to turn. Yes, I have family and friends, but God knew I needed HIM. I am still growing in my faith and will until I die. Faith is all about trust and trusting is something I have always struggled with. But truly it wasn't until Steve's death that I realized I truly have control over NOTHING!! NADA! ZILCH! God has a plan, HIS plan and I have to have faith and trust in HIM. So truly the best compliment I could get right now is for someone to say that I am strong....strong in my faith.

The Phone Calls....

The kids and I set out Sunday afternoon to go and visit my parents and sister for a few days in Oklahoma. After arriving my sister Laura and Kim both talked with their husbands to let them know they had arrived safely. It was then that it hit hard that I had no one to call and let know I had arrived safely. Typically on Spring Break the kids and I would visit my parents while Steve stayed home and worked on tax preparations....but this year, I was alone and had no one to call.

On Monday evening I had a dream...a glorious and wonderful dream. Steve called me in my dream. He told me he missed me and that he was sorry all of this had happened, but most of all he told me that he was ok. I told him that I had refinanced the house, bought a new car and that I had gotten the tax stuff sent off to Brinker already. He told me he was happy I bought the car as he wanted the kids and I to be safe. He then said "hate to cut this short, but I have a committee meeting to get to". Makes me smile to think of it right now...that last comment is SO Steve.

Not too long ago I posted this comment on Facebook "Some days all I wish is that heaven had a phone"...Thank you Lord for allowing the call to go through...It has brought so much peace to my heart.

The Struggle with Labels

Ever since Steve died I have struggled with the fact that I am a "single" parent now and the negative aspect that society has placed on being a "single" parent. Not that there is anything wrong with being a single parent and many reading this don't think a bad thought about "single" parents, but trust me, there are many out there who do treat you like you have a disease. Here is what bothers me, Steve and I truly had finally gotten to a point where we got it...got the whole marriage thing, the whole parent thing, the WHOLE life thing. Now I am not saying life was perfect, is it really ever perfect? I can only think of one PERFECT person and Steve is with Him now. I have had many friends that have had the terrible misfortune of going through a divorce saying one of the hardest things for them was being labeled a "single" parent. I understand, but for me, I didn't choose to be single and I think that is why it pains me. I realize that some single parents didn't "choose" it either, I just hope you get what I am saying and that you aren't offended by my feelings. I often want to wear a sign that says "My husband died, and I didn't choose to be single. I loved being Mrs. Steve Gouldsmith" or some variation of this. But today I read from another widow's blog that we are "only" parents...finally a term that I can live with. I am the ONLY parent to my children, and you know what sometimes it flat out stinks...I have to be the bad guy, have to make choices on my own and hope and pray for the best. I am the only parent when someone is throwing up in the night, the only parent helping with homework, the only parent making sure that teeth are brushed and deodorant is on, the only parent making the financial decisions that could affect the rest of our lives etc. etc. etc. Now don't get me wrong I love being the mom to these three precious souls, and there are perks that go with the job. And honestly, I have been blessed with the out pouring of love of family and friends that have stepped in when they knew I needed another "parent". Maybe you know an "only" parent and can offer help to them, whether it be to hang out with their kids while they get groceries or help shuffle them to and from activities, offer advice when they are struggling with parent decisions, tell them what worked for you or just go and hang out with them so there is another adult in the house for conversation. Just reach out and show God's love.

A post from Widows Voice blog

This so struck my heart and had to share it... I copied it from a Widows Voice Blog...

There is a time....


.... for mostly .... everything.
Even time for things that at other times .... look very negative.


Like Selfishness.



There is a time for selfishness .... and I had that time. I needed that time. I needed it in order to survive.

Literally.

Grieving demands selfishness.
At no other time in one's life must a person think ONLY of her/him self, sometimes at the cost of losing friends, upsetting many people, or even not parenting in the best possible way.But when one is drowning in grief, the only thing they are able to do .... is breathe.
And sometimes .... even that is almost too painful.

So yes, I've been selfish.And yes, I've upset people and even lost a friend over it.
Some people do not, can not, or will not understand the very thin rope that grievers are trying to grasp.
For whatever reason, they don't see that we are barely clinging to sanity.
And so they leave.
Which probably turns out to be a very good thing.

There's nothing like a huge tragedy to open your eyes to who your friends really are.
Friends who know what love means.
And what sacrifice means. And what "hanging in there" means.
No.
Matter.
What.


And very thankful to my family and friends who loved me through every moment of it .... who didn't expect me to "be there" for them, knowing that I couldn't even "be there" for myself.

I have been blessed abundantly.
Many widows lose more than one friend. Lots more.
That shows the caliber of friends that I do have.
I owe so very much to them.
Yet all I can do, and all they care that I do, is to love them.And I do.So.Very.Much.

Nine things I LOVE about Sydney...

Hard to believe that 9 years ago today I was at the hospital getting ready to have precious baby number two. Steve and I waited in anticipation to see if it would be a boy or a girl. I can still remember that day with vivid details..from Steve carrying in all his work stuff to work on while we waited...didn't happen, to having the doctor tell me that I would have to wait for her until after she delivered twins, to the nurses frantically finding ANY doctor to come and deliver MY baby...only to have my doctor rush in at the last moment to deliver precious baby Sydney.... and finally to Spencer telling an entire waiting room that he had "a baby Sydney" instead of a baby sister.

Here are 9 things I LOVE about Sydney...

1. Her compassion for others

2. Her willingness to always help out

3. The honest and open way she shares her heart

4. The letters she writes to her dad

5. Her love for music

6. How she plays with her dolls, one would think it was a REAL baby...she is going to be an awesome mom one day.

7. The way she plays with Sam, tolerates Sam, and looks out for Sam, even when Sam isn't very nice to her

8. The hugs and kisses she gives to me every night before she goes to bed

9. I love how beautiful she is on the inside on the outside.

Happy Birthday Sydney! Love you lots!

Success!!!!

We ARE in the gum making business...well for Sam anyway... A huge thanks to Linda and Susie for helping me tackle this project. For those of you who may not be aware, with Sam's diet she is limited on "treats". We had thought we had found a gum that she could have only to be told that the flavoring had carbs in it...a HUGE no, no on her diet. So with Linda's encouragement I ordered the supplies needed to make Sam gum she could have. Here is the process....We had a fun time with this "science experiment" and were thrilled that it worked out!

Sam checking out the stirring process....Yep they are doing a great job....

The kneading...Sam still making sure we are doing everything ok...from under the table...

Rolled out and ready to be cut

Believe it or not, this made about 60 pieces of gum..

Final step...wrapping...

Sam LOVED the gum...so much so she kept stealing pieces off the table before we got them wrapped. We made Mint Chocolate flavored this time.

The Gum Making Ladies with one VERY happy little girl!

6 Months Today

Enough said....