You Should Be Here

It's been a rough year.... The first year he was gone I was numb.  The second year, now that was hard, the harsh reality of it all.  So by year eight, you would think we would have our new normal and that we would have moved on.  I don't know that you ever move on, you move forward but there will always be things that make your heartache like it did the day he died.  

This year has been full of so many huge milestones, milestones that he missed.  He missed move-in day at college, homecoming, parents weekend, Spencer becoming a part of a fraternity, meeting a very special person in his life, and watching him grow into an amazing young man.  Seeing the transformation of Spencer this past year is what every parent hopes and prays for.  He has always been a strong and independent person, but seeing him use his talents and knowledge has been wonderful.  He finished his first year of college debt-free, all because he put his mind to it and applied for scholarships and figured out ways to accomplish this goal.  He's on the same path for his sophomore year.  Proud doesn't even describe how I feel. The conversations we have now... the adult conversations we have makes my head spin but oh how happy they make me all at the same time.  As I have said so many times in the past, just looking at Spencer is a reminder every day of Steve.  It's amazing how many mannerisms he has that Steve had, they make me laugh and catch my breath all at the same time.  

What a transformation year it has been for Sydney.  Watching her grow into an amazing young lady has been wonderful.  The changes I have seen in her this last year is so heartwarming.  Watching her grow in her faith, and being the hands and feet of Christ makes me swell with pride.  She has been the faithful servant this year, teaching Spencer and I a few things.  Steve was always so good at reading people and knew what they needed without them saying anything, a trait Sydney for sure got from him.  She may have even gotten a touch of his perfectionism from him as well, not a bad trait to have. She pushes herself with her studies and has already mapped out her last 2 years of high school to put her on track to graduate with her CNA Degree.  Remembering back to when Steve and I first met in college, her intensity reminds me so much of him. One major milestone he missed this year in her life is watching her get her driver's license.  I got to stand by myself as she drove away by herself for the very first time. Sydney is also rocking it on the volleyball court.  These past 2 years I have truly loved watching her grow as a player. She plays with such passion and heart.  He's missed so much of her childhood, so much of who she has become.  

Eight years ago we had only been home 3 days from the hospital, where we were to initiate the Ketogenic Diet for Sam. A decision that we had made together as a couple to do to help Sam, full well knowing how intense and difficult it was going to be. Little did we know it would be me to carry out this task.  In October of last year, we made a huge change in Sam's life.  We switched to a new neurologist.  A neurologist that specializes in CBD oil.  Sam's former neuro kept pushing new medications.  As a mom, it was heart-wrenching making these decisions and not knowing what future implications it could have on her.  With the encouragement of my sister in law, we made the switch.  A little education for those who don't know about CBD oil, yes it comes from marijuana, no it does not have anything in it to make her high.  After going through all the legal hoops we needed to for the state, we were approved and started in November.  By January we were seeing more seizure-free days than we had ever seen, not completely seizure-free, but so much better than we were.  It was then that the neuro decided to pull one of her seizure meds.  Oh, this made me nervous.  By May she was completely weaned. We still had some seizure days and some seizure-free days.  Just recently he has decided to wean from her final seizure med.  We are in the process of doing this and won't be completely off the medicine until mid-September.  So far things are progressing well. A new thing for Sam this year was that she played T-Ball.  There are no words to describe how it feels as a parent to see your child doing something that most normal kids do, something that you never thought would happen.  While she may not get how the game is supposed to be played this girl had THE most spirit on the field!  I am sure that Steve would have been helping out if he were here.   The changes we have seen in this child in the last 6 months is nothing short of miraculous.  Steve would be so stinkin proud of her.  He was always her biggest cheerleader.....and he is missing it.  

Please know I know he is watching over us, but his physical absence is heart-wrenching at times, and this year was full of moments that I wish he was here to celebrate with us. I know that we have SO many blessings, but please allow me to also be raw and honest with you about the not so pretty side that we go through too.

  So I will leave you with some lyrics from Cole Swindell's song:

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here

Saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year

It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it

And you know that if I had just one wish it'd

Be that you didn't have to miss this. 

You should be here

You'd be lovin' this

You'd be freakin' out

You'd be smilin'

Yeah, I know you'd be all about

What's goin' on right here, right now

God, I wish somehow

You could be here

Aw, you should be here

What is the purpose?

They say everything happens for a reason, but some things are more difficult to understand than others.  It's been 2,555 days, or 7 years since I became a widow.  At 39 it was often difficult to understand why this would have happened to me, happened to my children.  While I still don't have a good grasp on this, there are things that I can sit and reflect on and know that without going through this I would not have had the opportunities that I have had.

While I started this blog originally to keep family and friends updated on Sam's progress when she started her diet, it quickly became a therapeutic outlet for me.  After Steve's passing I had all these emotions and feelings surging through me and I didn't know how to handle them, what to do with them.  Writing became my outlet.  It was for me.....little did I know the effect it would have on others who read my words.  If I have helped at least one person make their marriage better, embrace life, to let go of petty things, become a stronger person or just love more, then this has done far more than I could have ever imagined.

God has used me, used this tragedy to reach out to others going through something similar, to show anyone that when times get tough you can survive, you will survive. I know that without a doubt God has placed certain people in my life so that I can help them through their own tragedy.  I don't do anything phenomenal, I just am an example of what life can be like after tragedy strikes.   Sometimes I have done this gracefully, other times I have fallen flat on my face, but I get up and dust myself of and move on.

I have become an "expert" on many things because I am an "only" parent.  Finances, life insurance, financial aid for college, car repairs, home repairs, investing, special diets, allergies, plus many other things.  I am blessed by many mentors in all of these areas. I have learned so much and try to help others with this knowledge I gained from the school of hard knocks.

God has used this experience to change me as a person, to help me grow.  I've grown in my faith, been challenged by my faith.  I am hopeful I have helped others see that there are always blessings in your life, you just have to look for them.  He has also helped me see the importance of relationships.  I'm still navigating this area and I fail quite often.  While I know the importance of relationships, I often struggle with letting people get too close to me and often do things to push people away.  Is it a fear that they too will leave, I'm not sure.  I just know that it's a constant battle within me.  I appreciate those who have been constant and not left my side when I know that it would have been easier to leave.  Learning to love myself has been a tough road, but it is getting smoother as each day passes.

Are there other purposes as to why this happened? I'm not sure. While I still have questions as to why this happened, I will have to wait to get those answers.  God has a plan, I do believe that and I trust in Him.  He will reveal in His timing why all this happened.  For now, I will try to focus on the positive and take steps forward each day.

The Village He Created

Father's Day always makes me sit and reflect.  Today I sat and scrolled through Facebook posts seeing all the sweet and sentimental posts to each person's husband or their own father.  For me, as I sit and reflect on Father's Day, I truly don't know that I can make a post about all the father figures that have been such an influence in my children's lives, as I know I would forget someone.  While still seven years later I still wonder why this all happened I do believe that Steve laid a foundation and brought several people into our lives knowing what an integral part they would play in our children's lives.  I sit and think of all the men that have been and still are in their lives and see the influence they have had on us.  From teachers, coaches, counselors, uncles, cousins, grandpas, friends of the family to acquaintances, they have all played a very important role. Simple things like singing the National Anthem every time you see Sam, to Whistle Stop Fridays with Sydney, to helping Spencer fix his car, such simple things that have such a huge impact. As I have said before, this is one area I can't step up to...Men play a very special place in the lives of children. Every man has the possibility of making a difference in a child's life even if you are not their dad.  You can become a part of someone's village, don't sell yourself short, you have so much to contribute to a child's life....even if their dad is still alive.

  Steve created a village to make sure his kids would be ok....I am blessed by this village and have welcomed more into it since his passing.  So thank you to those who have been there for my kids.  Happy Father's Day to everyone who makes a difference in a child's life!

I Can't Fix This

A few weeks ago while scrolling through Facebook I came across an article by a widow entitled "I Can't Fix This".  I sat reading it, nodding and crying. There are moments in our life that I can't fix for my children and it's crushing.  One of those times happened this past weekend and I know several more will happen in the months to come as we are crossing some huge milestones.

Spencer attended his Senior Prom.  He was absolutely debonair. Looking at him was painful in a way for me as it reminded me so much of his dad.  I was so proud of myself as I held my composure....until I got in the car.  It seems I have many of conversations with Steve while driving.  This one went something like this..."You missed it...one of the biggest moments in his life, and you missed it.  You would be so proud of him.  He has turned into quite the gentleman."

This one...Wow...how much he resembles his dad.



Why I thought I was going to be the only one having a melt down I am not sure.  Spencer's came on Sunday as he was reflecting on his weekend.  His heart was probably heavier than mine....and I couldn't fix it...and that absolutely is one of the worst feelings. One of the things he said to me that truly knocked the wind out of me was when he said "dad doesn't know who I am".  What a true statement.  Spencer was a mere 11 when his dad passed, a child.  He is now a young adult with so much more experience and responsibility.  While he knows a pain most children his age do not, he also knows how to rise above situations and to make the most out of things.  He knows how to express what he is feeling and embraces those feelings.  He knows how to question things and knows that life is unfair but it is what you make of it that counts.  He knows that without a doubt his dad loved him with all his heart.  But most of all, Spencer knows how to love and what is most important in this life...and that is relationships.

As we approach graduation I know there are going to be many more moments that I can't fix. Spencer and I have decided to embrace what we can't change and try to make his dad a part of these moments in a fun way.  So if you see those disgusting orange circus peanuts at his graduation party you will know it's in honor of his dad.  Who knows maybe we will serve QuickTrip taquitos!

Trust the plan

The road traveled over these past six years has been one that has seen some pretty amazing things, but also one that has had several bumps along the way.  Anyone that knows me knows that pictures have always been important in my life. Through the past 6 years I have had family members take pictures of the kids and I....I couldn't quite have a professional take them...as I knew it would be emotional for me.  You see there was someone missing in our family picture.  It's silly I know... he was still missing in the ones family took, but somehow having professional family pictures taken made me sick to my stomach.

Fast forward to Summer 2016....the beginning of Spencer's senior year.  I knew I was going to have to suck it up and put my big girl panties on....God knew I needed someone that would be gentle with me and all the emotions that would run through me while taking senior pictures.  He sent me the most amazing soul.  While I have known Renee for awhile, I didn't know the importance she would play in my life years later.  Renee's husband and Steve went high school together....this is no coincidence that Renee came into our lives...It was all part of a much bigger plan.

September rolled around and it was time to start snapping pictures.  Renee encouraged me to do some family pictures along with Spencer's senior pictures.  I dug deep and found those big girl panties.  How do I even describe the feelings that went through me that day?  My baby boy a senior, my family picture missing someone, Steve missing out on so much...I was a mess inside.  The encouragement and love I received from Renee that day was just what I needed. She captured the essence of my children....of my family...I couldn't be more pleased with how they turned out.  Thank you Renee for your love, support, encouragement and for capturing these moments!

And while the above picture is my current reality....I am so glad that Renee suggested this....while he may not be with us here on earth, he will forever be in our hearts....and that means more than any one can ever imagine...

Things don't happen by happenstance...That I believe with my whole heart.  Trust in the plan....

God knew....

I have felt compelled to write this post about one of the most influential people in Sydney's life, but I am not even sure how to put into words what this person means to our family.  The relationship with this person started well before Sydney ever stepped a foot into his classroom.  It started when she was a mere 5 years old and stepped foot into his wife's music classroom in kindergarten.  This was when Sydney was bit by the music bug.  Mrs. Morales's enthusiasm and passion made a huge impact on Sydney.  At five we didn't know what importance all of this would mean in the years to come. Sydney continued on with anything musical in her elementary years from choir, to orchestra, to musicals. This was truly some place she could express herself, it was healing for her.  As she left elementary she was placed into some very loving and caring hands at the middle school.  Mrs. Dahn continued to help push Sydney in choir and she added spunk and zest to everything she did.   But this man, has made a HUGE impact on her life.  While I am not downplaying the role these women have made in her life, Mr. Morales came into our lives at a very pivotal point for Sydney.  Losing her dad had left a huge hole in her life.  Mr. Morales truly is a father figure in her eyes.  He helped her see what a loving and caring relationship between a "dad" and daughter should be.  Each and every one of the students in orchestra is one of his kids.  Any outsider can see this by the way he interacts with them. He can joke with them, but he can also give them advice and help steer them on the correct path.  I am truly in awe of him.  He KNOWS each and everyone of his students and is able to reach them in ways that many other teachers cannot.  He takes the time to get to know them....he invests in each one of them.Tonight he held a banquet in their honor.  He called them up one by one and gave them an award. Some were funny and some were serious but they all came from the heart.  So Mr. Morales I don't even know where to begin to thank you for investing in my child.  For loving her like she was your own. For helping her to find her smile and love for life.  But most of all for showing her that there is good in this world and that we need to invest in one another....it cost nothing, but the reward is invaluable.  So glad that you are part of our village.  God knew we needed you in our lives.

How did I get so lucky???

Fourteen years ago God entrusted this beautiful soul to Steve and I.  It's been 5 years that her dad has not been with us....he would be so proud of the person she has become.  Watching her grow these past years I am awe struck at eloquently and gracefully she has embraced life.  She gives me perspective often times of how life should be lived.  What a true blessing she is to all she comes in contact with.  While there are many things that I love about this girl....I will share 14 of them in honor of her 14th birthday.

1. How she calls me madre

2.  Her sensitivity to so many things

3.  How helpful she is to everyone

4.  The love she has for God

5.  How she goes after something once she makes her mind up

6.  Her love for Sam

7.  Her passionate spirit

8.  How she looks out for the underdog

9.  Her love for family

10. The way she teases Spencer, it's her way of showing how she loves him

11.  Her fashion sense

12.  Her beautiful smile

13. How she puts 110% into everything she does.  

14. How each morning and night she tells me several times she loves me

I am very blessed...blessed by her spirit, her smile, and her love for life.  I thank God every day that he picked me to be her mom.  Happiest of birthdays to you my sweet Sydney!