The Next Chapter

 

While neither one of us thought this is where we would be, nor the plans we had, we are truly humbled and blessed that God decided to give us something we never thought was humanly possible.  The chance to love again. 

Months before we started to talk we both had resigned ourselves to the fact that maybe we weren't supposed to find love again.  We had a sense of peace about being by ourselves and stopped looking for someone.  God had a much different plan.  Reflecting back I now realize that He was preparing my heart for Brian.  It didn't take long for Brian to displace all my fears of why I shouldn't open myself up to someone to love again.  

June 25th was a magical day.  Our motto for the day was "at the end of the day the result will be the same...we will be married".  It didn't matter that the glasses he bought for this special day mysteriously disappeared, or the boutineer and corsage didn't get put on his parents, or the sound system didn't work for our final dance with just the two of us in the room. We embraced the moments.  We are so thankful for all of those who were able to be a part of our day.  Here are just a few pictures that our amazing photographer took to capture the day.  If you are in need of a photographer let me know, she is detailed oriented and will capture your special events perfectly.  

Losing your spouse and then being able to find love again makes you appreciate things on a much greater level.  We are looking forward to what God has in store for us. We are truly blessed.  

May the next chapter be honoring to what God has given us. 

3650 Days Later

I sit here in disbelief that 10 years have passed since I last saw him, heard his laugh, saw his smile, or hugged him.  There are days that it feels like it was just yesterday that I got a phone call from Sydney telling me he was hurt and then there are days that it is hard to remember if events happened before or after he had passed.  I hate measuring time in that way.  Ten years later I still don't understand why he was taken so soon, why my kids have had to grow up without their dad. I do know and trust that God has a plan and one day it will all be revealed to me. 

When I originally started this blog, it was used to update family and friends about Sam's diet.  It quickly became an outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings about his passing.  I didn't want his death to be in vain, I wanted people to learn how to truly live because it wasn't until after he died and I reflected on our marriage that I realized how I could have made our lives so much better. I thought if I could help just one person, then it was all worth it.  Many of my posts have been very raw and honest. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to recap 10 things I have learned these past 10 years.

1.  The first year you are numb, you don't feel, you barely exist. People tell you that you are so strong, yet you know it takes every ounce of strength to get through some days, and you have no choice to be strong. Year 2 is harder than the first year because the numbness wears off and reality sets in.  I didn't let the pain turn me into something ugly, I used it to show that surviving can be something beautiful. 

2.  Without my faith, I would not be where I am today.  I know that it is God who has carried me through my darkest days, yet also helped me to find the blessings in things.  

3.  Not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same way, nor do they deal with grief the same way.  While we don't take Steve's death lightly,  we honor him by continuing to see the good and humor in life.  Anyone who knew Steve knows that he loved a good practical joke, loved to laugh and had a sense of humor like none other.  I am positive that he is laughing at us from heaven about our sense of humor...even if it catches some here on earth off guard.  

4.  Even after 10 years, we still want you to say his name, tell us stories about him. Death doesn't erase his life, or the life we made with him.  It warms our hearts when people share stories, or tell of dreams he has appeared in for them.  He may be gone but he is ingrained in who we are, that will never change.  

5.  Appreciate the small things that people do to make your life easier.  Honestly, sit down by yourself some time and think about what life would be like without them.  What would you miss?  What would you remember about them?  Oh my goodness I could write about things that absolutely drove me crazy that he did. But what I remember is his bright smile, the way his eyes would light up when he was with the kids. How he would help anyone to lighten their load.  His genuineness. He loved life and loved people.  You have to love them where they are at....even if it isn't how you think they should be.  I am an on-time person....and anyone who knew Steve knows he was not....he squeezed out every moment he could before he left to make it where he needed to be...thus making him late 99% of the time.  We aren't the same as everyone else, remember that and embrace it...what I would give to be late somewhere now that I reflect. Focus on the positive things they do for you, look for the simple things.  Truly stop and see the simple things they do for you on a daily basis. I never realized how much he did until he was gone.  Simple things like taking the trash out, mowing the yard, laundry, finances, cleaning up after dinner, car repairs, and going to the grocery store to pick up a few items.  I knew he did these, but I didn't TRULY appreciate them until they were piled on my plate after he passed. How much better my marriage could have been if I made sure he knew I appreciated even the minute things he did to make our lives easier.  

6.  Kids are resilient. I know that I would not be where I am at if it was not for my children.  Not going to lie...it was scary as hell at the beginning knowing I was the ONLY parent and they were looking to me on how to do life now that their dad had passed.  Unfortunately, my kids had to grow up a little quicker than most kids their age.  They had more responsibilities because I couldn't do it alone.  However, that came in profitable when Spencer went to college and charged people to show them how to do their laundry. LOL They have been my rock when I fell apart and they have given me grace when I failed as a parent.  They see the importance of family and sacrifice some of their social events to be with family.  They use their sense of humor to help friends see how blessed they are to have their parents, even if they are driving them crazy.  

7.  When the going gets tough, you truly find out who is in your corner.  I am blessed to have an amazing tribe to help me through this thing called life.  There are many who have helped, many who are still helping, and many that I haven't met yet that will help me navigate the roads in the future. God has placed people in my life to help carry the load and for that, I am forever grateful.  

8.  There are still days it hurts.  There are still days I cry. There are still days that I wonder why all this happened.  There are days that I know will stir my emotions, yet there are days out of the blue that has rocked me to the core.  That's because we loved and miss him and hate that he is missing out on the time with us.  We don't move on from grief, we move forward.  Not all wounds are meant to heal, we can and will be sad and happy.  We can be grieving and love in the same moment of time.  The heart is capable of amazing love, especially after loss. 

9.  Intimacy.... it is a must in your marriage/relationship.  Please don't confuse intimacy with sex.  I have sat back and reflected on what I could have done to make my marriage better.  And this sadly is one area that I flat out FAILED.  I remember when we first got married so many people told us to make sure we continued to go on dates.....we didn't.  When we had children people told us to make sure we took time for just us.....we didn't.  People told us to make sure we were a priority to one another...the kids came before Steve 90% of the time a huge mistake on my part....I own it...not proud of it, but I own it.  People told us to make sure we took time to talk and connect each day...but life...life got in the way. All of this took a toll on intimacy.  Kisses became pecks on the checks, holding hands became less frequent, romantic getaways or dates became almost nonexistent. I love yous became a habit and not truly said with the meaning it used to be.  Did I love him and he love me, absolutely, but I know now that the depth of our relationship was not as deep as it could have been.  It takes effort....oh so much effort to keep that intimacy.  Cherish your relationships.

10.  Even though this tragedy, I am blessed on so many levels.  Blessed by the relationships I have my with kids, family, and friends.  Blessed that Steve had the forthright vision to have Life Insurance. I encourage to you please take a look a this...had Steve not been adamant about setting up something outside of what our employers offered I would have lost my house and been living paycheck to paycheck.  It is truly worth the investment. Blessed by those who have helped me navigate uncharted water...financial planning, cars, taxes, home improvements, boy scouts, violin repairs, coffee dates, and so many other things.  Your knowledge and patience do not go unnoticed.  

While this has been a HUGE mountain to climb, I truly make a conscious choice to "sing" because singing does make more sense.  I choose to feel blessed, I choose to feel grateful, I choose to be excited, I choose to be thankful, I choose to be happy because anything less would be a dishonor to Steve.  We promised each other while on vacation in June of 2010 that if something were to happen to one of us that we would find happiness in life and to live life to the fullest.  I have had struggled with this over the years, but I am finally jumping some of those hurdles. While we may find happiness, we will never forget the happiness he brought to our lives.  

What our family looked like 10 years ago...

While he may be missing from this picture, he is not missing from our hearts and who we are.  He was one of the greatest gifts of our lives and we will cherish every memory of him, today, tomorrow, and always.  We will continue to honor what was and live for what is. Much love to all! 

Fear is a Liar...

I have always trusted God’s plan even when I didn’t understand the reasoning behind it. Steve and I joined our church over 18 years ago. I have met many amazing people through church and become friends on Facebook with them. I have gotten to “know” several people through their posts, one of those being Brian. Over the years I have seen his posts about his love for music, his kids, his grandkids, and the loss of his wife. We had shared a few conversations here and there about being a part of “the club” of losing a spouse.  

This year was no different than the last 4 years on his birthday. I sent this message:

However, that simple birthday wish turned into us beginning to talk. It started with us discussing the ins and outs of being a widow/widower. We talked about the struggles, the emotions, and the things we would do better if we ever had another chance. It was so nice to finally have someone who truly understood what it is like to lose a spouse and to freely talk about Steve and Debbie with no fear of judgment. 

Our conversations continued for almost 2 months before we met face to face. Mind you all the COVID stuff had just started happening so there really wasn’t an opportunity.  A simple question from Brian changed the path that we were on...“would you like to come over and sit on the back porch and talk?” We sat and chatted for almost 3 hours. It was like we had known each other for years. There was a sense of peace, yet when I left my head was swirling. There was still no definitive answer to what “this” was.  

We continued to chat and there was a hint of something more. I am not going to lie I was a bit freaked out.  After talking with my sister in law and the counselor about all the fears I had I decided to take a leap of faith.  Well not really a leap...maybe a baby step... You see I decided to lay it all out on the line. Told him what I was scared about and why and told him that if this was going to go anywhere it would have to happen at a snail's pace. And a snail's pace we did go... I called him Job because of his patience with me.  

So this is where you think “and they lived happily ever after”... not quite... You see as I was telling him all my reasons why I shouldn’t (aka fear) let this be more than friends he reached out to hold my hand, but it ended up being a handshake because of how we were sitting. I busted out laughing and the fear dissipated for a bit. We continued to chat for a while and then he kissed me. Going to be honest I’m not quite sure what was said after that but I made a pretty quick exit and didn’t see him for almost 2 weeks because of how scared I was. But Job hung in there and waited me out.   

I cannot tell you how many times I asked God to show me signs that this was something I was supposed to embrace. Of course, He showed me many signs but I would quickly dismiss them. I was letting fear get in the way. I had too many “what ifs” running through my head.  It was then one night as I was headed to Brian’s house to talk this song came on:

While all the lyrics are amazing it was these specific lines that truly brought me to tears. 

“I've been thinking 'bout lately, maybe

I can make a change and let you change me

So, with all of my heart this is my prayer

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment

Help me live with my eyes wide open

'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me”

I was letting fear get in the way of something that could potentially be something amazing. I was letting what I thought COULD happen in the future dictate my present, I wasn’t living in the moment. It was at that moment I decided to tell fear to take a backseat. 

Fear still likes to rear it’s ugly head now and then, but I’m better at recognizing it. The devil likes to whisper “what if’s” at me. But my God whispers “even if” even louder. So while I don’t know how all this is going to go because I’m not on God's planning committee I trust His plan and I am thankful for this amazing blessing He has placed in my life....I’m living in the moment. 

I do know this, I wouldn’t trade the sense of peace, the adoration, the contentment, or the happiness for anything in the world.  

Psalms 112:7

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

So while I start the next chapter I am learning to embrace the fear and not let it control me.  I’m a work in progress. However, I am so thankful to have this man stand by my side and hold my hand through it all.

Here’s to keeping in the moment because I don't want to miss what He has for me.  

This is it....

This was supposed to be her final days in high school...her last week.  While it technically still is, it isn't quite what we had envisioned for her.  There won't be a day where she picks up her cap and gown with her fellow classmates. There won't be one final walk of the halls. There won't be one last time pulling out of the driveway as a senior to head to school.  Instead of spending her final days with her friends making memories, she is spending them with me...at home. While I am not complaining and I am trying to cherish these times, my heart aches for her and her classmates. Through all of this, she has been resilient.  While she has not enjoyed the online classes because that is not her style, she has embraced it and made the best of the situation.  She has been creative with finding ways to stay connected with friends as she knows that relationships are what is most important.  So while she isn't making the "typical" Senior memories, she is making memories.  While the "normal" isn't her "normal" she is embracing what she has and making the best of every situation.  This doesn't mean there isn't some sadness behind all this for her, but in true Sydney fashion, she is focusing on the good in all of this.  So we hold our breath and pray that there will be a few "normal" things she may get to do as a senior.  Graduation outside in July while wearing black caps and gowns...seems miserable, yet it's ok because it means that they get to be with their friends one last time. It means that they get to continue the tradition of throwing their caps in the air. It means that we get to celebrate them and all that they have accomplished. It means just a small piece of normalcy.  So while it may seem miserable, it is something we will endure to give them something they have worked so hard for.  So this is it Sydney....go and enjoy your last few days as a Senior, make memories and cherish the times. Love you more than you know!

Seems like it was just yesterday...

There are days I feel like it’s been more than nine years that he has been gone and other days I feel like it was just yesterday.  The picture on the left was taken 8 years ago, the one on the right was taken just today.

By looking at the pictures one can tell how much things have changed. Yet there are things that are still the same. One thing that has never wavered is the love these 3 have for each other.  Watching that grow over the years has made this mama’s heart  swell.   Another thing that has not changed in these past 9 years is the sense of peace we all have.  While we don’t understand why our lives were ripped apart, we truly trust in God and know that one day it all will make perfect sense.  I would love to take credit for how they have turned out but I can’t.  You see because of Steve’s death there have been SO many influences on them. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, grandpas, friends, counselors, youth ministers, coaches, teachers and many more. What you don’t see in this first picture is 2 of my very best friends encouraging me to take the vacation. They held my hand and gave me courage. They continued to vacation with me because they knew it was important to me to make it happen for my children. Then they encouraged me to fly on my own. It was so scary but I did it. The picture on the right...what you don’t see is that we flew. Doesn’t seem like a big deal but flying with Sams diet and medication made this mom have anxiety attacks. But guess what, it worked out.  It’s taken me 9 years to conquer some of my fears, that seems like a long time yet it doesn’t. I’ve taken itty bitty baby steps but I’m ok with that. I’ve learned to rely on others, open up about my fears and tackle them head on.  I’m not going to lie, I thought I was going to puke until we were through security at the airport. What you don’t see in the second picture is ALL the people who have loved and supported us through the years to get us to the point where we are today. 

So as this 9th year comes to a close and we begin the 10th year without him I want to share 9 things I have learned over the years. 

1. You truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Invest in your relationships. Take the time, make the memories. COMMUNICATE!!!!!

2. People will say the dumbest things. Mainly because they don’t know what to say...love them anyway.  My favorite was 2 weeks after he passed “you’re young you’ll find someone else” 😳

3. Everyone wants to help. Some people are automatic doers, others want you to ask because they don’t want to over step boundaries. We all like to feel needed...let people help you. 

4. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I don’t care what they say about the grief cycle...you don’t have to go through all of the steps. 

5. Things do hit you out of no where and you can’t prepare for them. 

6. Stay positive and surround yourself with like minded people. This has been HUGE for me. 

7. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Our motto is “we’ve lived through worse”. We truly try to keep perspective on what truly matters. 

8.  The heart is capable of amazing love, especially after loss 

9. When we go through loss we morph into a new soul, full of enlightenment and painful growth. 

9a.  I am not strong. I am human and have learned to focus on the positive as much as possible. I have bad days where people pick me up and dust me off and help me see what is truly important in life.  And sometimes they have to pick me up several days in a row...find your people. Find your tribe. 

So just like on July 31, 2010 I will continue to see the blessings. God has a plan and one day I will understand. 

Much love to you all. 

You Should Be Here

It's been a rough year.... The first year he was gone I was numb.  The second year, now that was hard, the harsh reality of it all.  So by year eight, you would think we would have our new normal and that we would have moved on.  I don't know that you ever move on, you move forward but there will always be things that make your heartache like it did the day he died.  

This year has been full of so many huge milestones, milestones that he missed.  He missed move-in day at college, homecoming, parents weekend, Spencer becoming a part of a fraternity, meeting a very special person in his life, and watching him grow into an amazing young man.  Seeing the transformation of Spencer this past year is what every parent hopes and prays for.  He has always been a strong and independent person, but seeing him use his talents and knowledge has been wonderful.  He finished his first year of college debt-free, all because he put his mind to it and applied for scholarships and figured out ways to accomplish this goal.  He's on the same path for his sophomore year.  Proud doesn't even describe how I feel. The conversations we have now... the adult conversations we have makes my head spin but oh how happy they make me all at the same time.  As I have said so many times in the past, just looking at Spencer is a reminder every day of Steve.  It's amazing how many mannerisms he has that Steve had, they make me laugh and catch my breath all at the same time.  

What a transformation year it has been for Sydney.  Watching her grow into an amazing young lady has been wonderful.  The changes I have seen in her this last year is so heartwarming.  Watching her grow in her faith, and being the hands and feet of Christ makes me swell with pride.  She has been the faithful servant this year, teaching Spencer and I a few things.  Steve was always so good at reading people and knew what they needed without them saying anything, a trait Sydney for sure got from him.  She may have even gotten a touch of his perfectionism from him as well, not a bad trait to have. She pushes herself with her studies and has already mapped out her last 2 years of high school to put her on track to graduate with her CNA Degree.  Remembering back to when Steve and I first met in college, her intensity reminds me so much of him. One major milestone he missed this year in her life is watching her get her driver's license.  I got to stand by myself as she drove away by herself for the very first time. Sydney is also rocking it on the volleyball court.  These past 2 years I have truly loved watching her grow as a player. She plays with such passion and heart.  He's missed so much of her childhood, so much of who she has become.  

Eight years ago we had only been home 3 days from the hospital, where we were to initiate the Ketogenic Diet for Sam. A decision that we had made together as a couple to do to help Sam, full well knowing how intense and difficult it was going to be. Little did we know it would be me to carry out this task.  In October of last year, we made a huge change in Sam's life.  We switched to a new neurologist.  A neurologist that specializes in CBD oil.  Sam's former neuro kept pushing new medications.  As a mom, it was heart-wrenching making these decisions and not knowing what future implications it could have on her.  With the encouragement of my sister in law, we made the switch.  A little education for those who don't know about CBD oil, yes it comes from marijuana, no it does not have anything in it to make her high.  After going through all the legal hoops we needed to for the state, we were approved and started in November.  By January we were seeing more seizure-free days than we had ever seen, not completely seizure-free, but so much better than we were.  It was then that the neuro decided to pull one of her seizure meds.  Oh, this made me nervous.  By May she was completely weaned. We still had some seizure days and some seizure-free days.  Just recently he has decided to wean from her final seizure med.  We are in the process of doing this and won't be completely off the medicine until mid-September.  So far things are progressing well. A new thing for Sam this year was that she played T-Ball.  There are no words to describe how it feels as a parent to see your child doing something that most normal kids do, something that you never thought would happen.  While she may not get how the game is supposed to be played this girl had THE most spirit on the field!  I am sure that Steve would have been helping out if he were here.   The changes we have seen in this child in the last 6 months is nothing short of miraculous.  Steve would be so stinkin proud of her.  He was always her biggest cheerleader.....and he is missing it.  

Please know I know he is watching over us, but his physical absence is heart-wrenching at times, and this year was full of moments that I wish he was here to celebrate with us. I know that we have SO many blessings, but please allow me to also be raw and honest with you about the not so pretty side that we go through too.

  So I will leave you with some lyrics from Cole Swindell's song:

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here

Saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year

It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it

And you know that if I had just one wish it'd

Be that you didn't have to miss this. 

You should be here

You'd be lovin' this

You'd be freakin' out

You'd be smilin'

Yeah, I know you'd be all about

What's goin' on right here, right now

God, I wish somehow

You could be here

Aw, you should be here

What is the purpose?

They say everything happens for a reason, but some things are more difficult to understand than others.  It's been 2,555 days, or 7 years since I became a widow.  At 39 it was often difficult to understand why this would have happened to me, happened to my children.  While I still don't have a good grasp on this, there are things that I can sit and reflect on and know that without going through this I would not have had the opportunities that I have had.

While I started this blog originally to keep family and friends updated on Sam's progress when she started her diet, it quickly became a therapeutic outlet for me.  After Steve's passing I had all these emotions and feelings surging through me and I didn't know how to handle them, what to do with them.  Writing became my outlet.  It was for me.....little did I know the effect it would have on others who read my words.  If I have helped at least one person make their marriage better, embrace life, to let go of petty things, become a stronger person or just love more, then this has done far more than I could have ever imagined.

God has used me, used this tragedy to reach out to others going through something similar, to show anyone that when times get tough you can survive, you will survive. I know that without a doubt God has placed certain people in my life so that I can help them through their own tragedy.  I don't do anything phenomenal, I just am an example of what life can be like after tragedy strikes.   Sometimes I have done this gracefully, other times I have fallen flat on my face, but I get up and dust myself of and move on.

I have become an "expert" on many things because I am an "only" parent.  Finances, life insurance, financial aid for college, car repairs, home repairs, investing, special diets, allergies, plus many other things.  I am blessed by many mentors in all of these areas. I have learned so much and try to help others with this knowledge I gained from the school of hard knocks.

God has used this experience to change me as a person, to help me grow.  I've grown in my faith, been challenged by my faith.  I am hopeful I have helped others see that there are always blessings in your life, you just have to look for them.  He has also helped me see the importance of relationships.  I'm still navigating this area and I fail quite often.  While I know the importance of relationships, I often struggle with letting people get too close to me and often do things to push people away.  Is it a fear that they too will leave, I'm not sure.  I just know that it's a constant battle within me.  I appreciate those who have been constant and not left my side when I know that it would have been easier to leave.  Learning to love myself has been a tough road, but it is getting smoother as each day passes.

Are there other purposes as to why this happened? I'm not sure. While I still have questions as to why this happened, I will have to wait to get those answers.  God has a plan, I do believe that and I trust in Him.  He will reveal in His timing why all this happened.  For now, I will try to focus on the positive and take steps forward each day.