Fear is a Liar...

I have always trusted God’s plan even when I didn’t understand the reasoning behind it. Steve and I joined our church over 18 years ago. I have met many amazing people through church and become friends on Facebook with them. I have gotten to “know” several people through their posts, one of those being Brian. Over the years I have seen his posts about his love for music, his kids, his grandkids, and the loss of his wife. We had shared a few conversations here and there about being a part of “the club” of losing a spouse.  

This year was no different than the last 4 years on his birthday. I sent this message:

However, that simple birthday wish turned into us beginning to talk. It started with us discussing the ins and outs of being a widow/widower. We talked about the struggles, the emotions, and the things we would do better if we ever had another chance. It was so nice to finally have someone who truly understood what it is like to lose a spouse and to freely talk about Steve and Debbie with no fear of judgment. 

Our conversations continued for almost 2 months before we met face to face. Mind you all the COVID stuff had just started happening so there really wasn’t an opportunity.  A simple question from Brian changed the path that we were on...“would you like to come over and sit on the back porch and talk?” We sat and chatted for almost 3 hours. It was like we had known each other for years. There was a sense of peace, yet when I left my head was swirling. There was still no definitive answer to what “this” was.  

We continued to chat and there was a hint of something more. I am not going to lie I was a bit freaked out.  After talking with my sister in law and the counselor about all the fears I had I decided to take a leap of faith.  Well not really a leap...maybe a baby step... You see I decided to lay it all out on the line. Told him what I was scared about and why and told him that if this was going to go anywhere it would have to happen at a snail's pace. And a snail's pace we did go... I called him Job because of his patience with me.  

So this is where you think “and they lived happily ever after”... not quite... You see as I was telling him all my reasons why I shouldn’t (aka fear) let this be more than friends he reached out to hold my hand, but it ended up being a handshake because of how we were sitting. I busted out laughing and the fear dissipated for a bit. We continued to chat for a while and then he kissed me. Going to be honest I’m not quite sure what was said after that but I made a pretty quick exit and didn’t see him for almost 2 weeks because of how scared I was. But Job hung in there and waited me out.   

I cannot tell you how many times I asked God to show me signs that this was something I was supposed to embrace. Of course, He showed me many signs but I would quickly dismiss them. I was letting fear get in the way. I had too many “what ifs” running through my head.  It was then one night as I was headed to Brian’s house to talk this song came on:

While all the lyrics are amazing it was these specific lines that truly brought me to tears. 

“I've been thinking 'bout lately, maybe

I can make a change and let you change me

So, with all of my heart this is my prayer

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment

Help me live with my eyes wide open

'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me”

I was letting fear get in the way of something that could potentially be something amazing. I was letting what I thought COULD happen in the future dictate my present, I wasn’t living in the moment. It was at that moment I decided to tell fear to take a backseat. 

Fear still likes to rear it’s ugly head now and then, but I’m better at recognizing it. The devil likes to whisper “what if’s” at me. But my God whispers “even if” even louder. So while I don’t know how all this is going to go because I’m not on God's planning committee I trust His plan and I am thankful for this amazing blessing He has placed in my life....I’m living in the moment. 

I do know this, I wouldn’t trade the sense of peace, the adoration, the contentment, or the happiness for anything in the world.  

Psalms 112:7

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

So while I start the next chapter I am learning to embrace the fear and not let it control me.  I’m a work in progress. However, I am so thankful to have this man stand by my side and hold my hand through it all.

Here’s to keeping in the moment because I don't want to miss what He has for me.  

This is it....

This was supposed to be her final days in high school...her last week.  While it technically still is, it isn't quite what we had envisioned for her.  There won't be a day where she picks up her cap and gown with her fellow classmates. There won't be one final walk of the halls. There won't be one last time pulling out of the driveway as a senior to head to school.  Instead of spending her final days with her friends making memories, she is spending them with me...at home. While I am not complaining and I am trying to cherish these times, my heart aches for her and her classmates. Through all of this, she has been resilient.  While she has not enjoyed the online classes because that is not her style, she has embraced it and made the best of the situation.  She has been creative with finding ways to stay connected with friends as she knows that relationships are what is most important.  So while she isn't making the "typical" Senior memories, she is making memories.  While the "normal" isn't her "normal" she is embracing what she has and making the best of every situation.  This doesn't mean there isn't some sadness behind all this for her, but in true Sydney fashion, she is focusing on the good in all of this.  So we hold our breath and pray that there will be a few "normal" things she may get to do as a senior.  Graduation outside in July while wearing black caps and gowns...seems miserable, yet it's ok because it means that they get to be with their friends one last time. It means that they get to continue the tradition of throwing their caps in the air. It means that we get to celebrate them and all that they have accomplished. It means just a small piece of normalcy.  So while it may seem miserable, it is something we will endure to give them something they have worked so hard for.  So this is it Sydney....go and enjoy your last few days as a Senior, make memories and cherish the times. Love you more than you know!

Seems like it was just yesterday...

There are days I feel like it’s been more than nine years that he has been gone and other days I feel like it was just yesterday.  The picture on the left was taken 8 years ago, the one on the right was taken just today.

By looking at the pictures one can tell how much things have changed. Yet there are things that are still the same. One thing that has never wavered is the love these 3 have for each other.  Watching that grow over the years has made this mama’s heart  swell.   Another thing that has not changed in these past 9 years is the sense of peace we all have.  While we don’t understand why our lives were ripped apart, we truly trust in God and know that one day it all will make perfect sense.  I would love to take credit for how they have turned out but I can’t.  You see because of Steve’s death there have been SO many influences on them. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, grandpas, friends, counselors, youth ministers, coaches, teachers and many more. What you don’t see in this first picture is 2 of my very best friends encouraging me to take the vacation. They held my hand and gave me courage. They continued to vacation with me because they knew it was important to me to make it happen for my children. Then they encouraged me to fly on my own. It was so scary but I did it. The picture on the right...what you don’t see is that we flew. Doesn’t seem like a big deal but flying with Sams diet and medication made this mom have anxiety attacks. But guess what, it worked out.  It’s taken me 9 years to conquer some of my fears, that seems like a long time yet it doesn’t. I’ve taken itty bitty baby steps but I’m ok with that. I’ve learned to rely on others, open up about my fears and tackle them head on.  I’m not going to lie, I thought I was going to puke until we were through security at the airport. What you don’t see in the second picture is ALL the people who have loved and supported us through the years to get us to the point where we are today. 

So as this 9th year comes to a close and we begin the 10th year without him I want to share 9 things I have learned over the years. 

1. You truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Invest in your relationships. Take the time, make the memories. COMMUNICATE!!!!!

2. People will say the dumbest things. Mainly because they don’t know what to say...love them anyway.  My favorite was 2 weeks after he passed “you’re young you’ll find someone else” 😳

3. Everyone wants to help. Some people are automatic doers, others want you to ask because they don’t want to over step boundaries. We all like to feel needed...let people help you. 

4. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I don’t care what they say about the grief cycle...you don’t have to go through all of the steps. 

5. Things do hit you out of no where and you can’t prepare for them. 

6. Stay positive and surround yourself with like minded people. This has been HUGE for me. 

7. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Our motto is “we’ve lived through worse”. We truly try to keep perspective on what truly matters. 

8.  The heart is capable of amazing love, especially after loss 

9. When we go through loss we morph into a new soul, full of enlightenment and painful growth. 

9a.  I am not strong. I am human and have learned to focus on the positive as much as possible. I have bad days where people pick me up and dust me off and help me see what is truly important in life.  And sometimes they have to pick me up several days in a row...find your people. Find your tribe. 

So just like on July 31, 2010 I will continue to see the blessings. God has a plan and one day I will understand. 

Much love to you all. 

You Should Be Here

It's been a rough year.... The first year he was gone I was numb.  The second year, now that was hard, the harsh reality of it all.  So by year eight, you would think we would have our new normal and that we would have moved on.  I don't know that you ever move on, you move forward but there will always be things that make your heartache like it did the day he died.  

This year has been full of so many huge milestones, milestones that he missed.  He missed move-in day at college, homecoming, parents weekend, Spencer becoming a part of a fraternity, meeting a very special person in his life, and watching him grow into an amazing young man.  Seeing the transformation of Spencer this past year is what every parent hopes and prays for.  He has always been a strong and independent person, but seeing him use his talents and knowledge has been wonderful.  He finished his first year of college debt-free, all because he put his mind to it and applied for scholarships and figured out ways to accomplish this goal.  He's on the same path for his sophomore year.  Proud doesn't even describe how I feel. The conversations we have now... the adult conversations we have makes my head spin but oh how happy they make me all at the same time.  As I have said so many times in the past, just looking at Spencer is a reminder every day of Steve.  It's amazing how many mannerisms he has that Steve had, they make me laugh and catch my breath all at the same time.  

What a transformation year it has been for Sydney.  Watching her grow into an amazing young lady has been wonderful.  The changes I have seen in her this last year is so heartwarming.  Watching her grow in her faith, and being the hands and feet of Christ makes me swell with pride.  She has been the faithful servant this year, teaching Spencer and I a few things.  Steve was always so good at reading people and knew what they needed without them saying anything, a trait Sydney for sure got from him.  She may have even gotten a touch of his perfectionism from him as well, not a bad trait to have. She pushes herself with her studies and has already mapped out her last 2 years of high school to put her on track to graduate with her CNA Degree.  Remembering back to when Steve and I first met in college, her intensity reminds me so much of him. One major milestone he missed this year in her life is watching her get her driver's license.  I got to stand by myself as she drove away by herself for the very first time. Sydney is also rocking it on the volleyball court.  These past 2 years I have truly loved watching her grow as a player. She plays with such passion and heart.  He's missed so much of her childhood, so much of who she has become.  

Eight years ago we had only been home 3 days from the hospital, where we were to initiate the Ketogenic Diet for Sam. A decision that we had made together as a couple to do to help Sam, full well knowing how intense and difficult it was going to be. Little did we know it would be me to carry out this task.  In October of last year, we made a huge change in Sam's life.  We switched to a new neurologist.  A neurologist that specializes in CBD oil.  Sam's former neuro kept pushing new medications.  As a mom, it was heart-wrenching making these decisions and not knowing what future implications it could have on her.  With the encouragement of my sister in law, we made the switch.  A little education for those who don't know about CBD oil, yes it comes from marijuana, no it does not have anything in it to make her high.  After going through all the legal hoops we needed to for the state, we were approved and started in November.  By January we were seeing more seizure-free days than we had ever seen, not completely seizure-free, but so much better than we were.  It was then that the neuro decided to pull one of her seizure meds.  Oh, this made me nervous.  By May she was completely weaned. We still had some seizure days and some seizure-free days.  Just recently he has decided to wean from her final seizure med.  We are in the process of doing this and won't be completely off the medicine until mid-September.  So far things are progressing well. A new thing for Sam this year was that she played T-Ball.  There are no words to describe how it feels as a parent to see your child doing something that most normal kids do, something that you never thought would happen.  While she may not get how the game is supposed to be played this girl had THE most spirit on the field!  I am sure that Steve would have been helping out if he were here.   The changes we have seen in this child in the last 6 months is nothing short of miraculous.  Steve would be so stinkin proud of her.  He was always her biggest cheerleader.....and he is missing it.  

Please know I know he is watching over us, but his physical absence is heart-wrenching at times, and this year was full of moments that I wish he was here to celebrate with us. I know that we have SO many blessings, but please allow me to also be raw and honest with you about the not so pretty side that we go through too.

  So I will leave you with some lyrics from Cole Swindell's song:

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here

Saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year

It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it

And you know that if I had just one wish it'd

Be that you didn't have to miss this. 

You should be here

You'd be lovin' this

You'd be freakin' out

You'd be smilin'

Yeah, I know you'd be all about

What's goin' on right here, right now

God, I wish somehow

You could be here

Aw, you should be here

What is the purpose?

They say everything happens for a reason, but some things are more difficult to understand than others.  It's been 2,555 days, or 7 years since I became a widow.  At 39 it was often difficult to understand why this would have happened to me, happened to my children.  While I still don't have a good grasp on this, there are things that I can sit and reflect on and know that without going through this I would not have had the opportunities that I have had.

While I started this blog originally to keep family and friends updated on Sam's progress when she started her diet, it quickly became a therapeutic outlet for me.  After Steve's passing I had all these emotions and feelings surging through me and I didn't know how to handle them, what to do with them.  Writing became my outlet.  It was for me.....little did I know the effect it would have on others who read my words.  If I have helped at least one person make their marriage better, embrace life, to let go of petty things, become a stronger person or just love more, then this has done far more than I could have ever imagined.

God has used me, used this tragedy to reach out to others going through something similar, to show anyone that when times get tough you can survive, you will survive. I know that without a doubt God has placed certain people in my life so that I can help them through their own tragedy.  I don't do anything phenomenal, I just am an example of what life can be like after tragedy strikes.   Sometimes I have done this gracefully, other times I have fallen flat on my face, but I get up and dust myself of and move on.

I have become an "expert" on many things because I am an "only" parent.  Finances, life insurance, financial aid for college, car repairs, home repairs, investing, special diets, allergies, plus many other things.  I am blessed by many mentors in all of these areas. I have learned so much and try to help others with this knowledge I gained from the school of hard knocks.

God has used this experience to change me as a person, to help me grow.  I've grown in my faith, been challenged by my faith.  I am hopeful I have helped others see that there are always blessings in your life, you just have to look for them.  He has also helped me see the importance of relationships.  I'm still navigating this area and I fail quite often.  While I know the importance of relationships, I often struggle with letting people get too close to me and often do things to push people away.  Is it a fear that they too will leave, I'm not sure.  I just know that it's a constant battle within me.  I appreciate those who have been constant and not left my side when I know that it would have been easier to leave.  Learning to love myself has been a tough road, but it is getting smoother as each day passes.

Are there other purposes as to why this happened? I'm not sure. While I still have questions as to why this happened, I will have to wait to get those answers.  God has a plan, I do believe that and I trust in Him.  He will reveal in His timing why all this happened.  For now, I will try to focus on the positive and take steps forward each day.

The Village He Created

Father's Day always makes me sit and reflect.  Today I sat and scrolled through Facebook posts seeing all the sweet and sentimental posts to each person's husband or their own father.  For me, as I sit and reflect on Father's Day, I truly don't know that I can make a post about all the father figures that have been such an influence in my children's lives, as I know I would forget someone.  While still seven years later I still wonder why this all happened I do believe that Steve laid a foundation and brought several people into our lives knowing what an integral part they would play in our children's lives.  I sit and think of all the men that have been and still are in their lives and see the influence they have had on us.  From teachers, coaches, counselors, uncles, cousins, grandpas, friends of the family to acquaintances, they have all played a very important role. Simple things like singing the National Anthem every time you see Sam, to Whistle Stop Fridays with Sydney, to helping Spencer fix his car, such simple things that have such a huge impact. As I have said before, this is one area I can't step up to...Men play a very special place in the lives of children. Every man has the possibility of making a difference in a child's life even if you are not their dad.  You can become a part of someone's village, don't sell yourself short, you have so much to contribute to a child's life....even if their dad is still alive.

  Steve created a village to make sure his kids would be ok....I am blessed by this village and have welcomed more into it since his passing.  So thank you to those who have been there for my kids.  Happy Father's Day to everyone who makes a difference in a child's life!

I Can't Fix This

A few weeks ago while scrolling through Facebook I came across an article by a widow entitled "I Can't Fix This".  I sat reading it, nodding and crying. There are moments in our life that I can't fix for my children and it's crushing.  One of those times happened this past weekend and I know several more will happen in the months to come as we are crossing some huge milestones.

Spencer attended his Senior Prom.  He was absolutely debonair. Looking at him was painful in a way for me as it reminded me so much of his dad.  I was so proud of myself as I held my composure....until I got in the car.  It seems I have many of conversations with Steve while driving.  This one went something like this..."You missed it...one of the biggest moments in his life, and you missed it.  You would be so proud of him.  He has turned into quite the gentleman."

This one...Wow...how much he resembles his dad.



Why I thought I was going to be the only one having a melt down I am not sure.  Spencer's came on Sunday as he was reflecting on his weekend.  His heart was probably heavier than mine....and I couldn't fix it...and that absolutely is one of the worst feelings. One of the things he said to me that truly knocked the wind out of me was when he said "dad doesn't know who I am".  What a true statement.  Spencer was a mere 11 when his dad passed, a child.  He is now a young adult with so much more experience and responsibility.  While he knows a pain most children his age do not, he also knows how to rise above situations and to make the most out of things.  He knows how to express what he is feeling and embraces those feelings.  He knows how to question things and knows that life is unfair but it is what you make of it that counts.  He knows that without a doubt his dad loved him with all his heart.  But most of all, Spencer knows how to love and what is most important in this life...and that is relationships.

As we approach graduation I know there are going to be many more moments that I can't fix. Spencer and I have decided to embrace what we can't change and try to make his dad a part of these moments in a fun way.  So if you see those disgusting orange circus peanuts at his graduation party you will know it's in honor of his dad.  Who knows maybe we will serve QuickTrip taquitos!