I think I can, I think I can....I DID!!!!

We are approaching the 5 year anniversary of Steve's death.  There are so many memories that swirl in my mind from that time period.  One of the most prominent is hearing my children question if  we would still go on family vacations.  Steve was THE vacation planner.  I was the packer.  On July 31, 2010 I became the planner AND the packer.  I doubted myself on if I truly could plan a vacation from beginning to end.  I was blessed by some amazing friends and family to help be through this.  I vacationed with family or friends for the first 4 years....they helped me take the baby steps to help me prove to myself that I could do it on my own.  So on July 2nd the kids and I set off on our journey to Myrtle Beach.   We stopped along the way and visited friends that Steve and I both knew in college. They help keep me grounded and are such great encouragers....such a blessing.

After visiting them our journey brought us here:

The Tuesday before we left I received a phone call that they had canceled our condo.  After explaining why this trip was important to me they made it right....Actually they made it better.  This was the view from our condo.

It was so nice being on the beach.  We could go out for a few hours and then still go and do things in the area.

If we were at the condo and not on the beach, this is typically where we would find Sam.  She LOVES the water.  One day Spencer had to carry her from the ocean back to the condo because she refused to leave.  

They had quaint shopping with fun shops....we might have had a little too much fun.  

We experienced many "firsts" on this trip.  One of them being that we were on the beach watching fireworks for the 4th of July.  AMAZING!

Now see that beautiful Ferris Wheel... It was amazing to watch from the ground.   Unfortunately I have found that I do not like heights very much....I figured this out while riding it one night with my children.  They found it extremely entertaining that I was freaking out. Oh the memories we made... Spencer even videoed my moment of freaking out.  These are some pictures from before we started moving and from the top.  The one from the top is courtesy of Sydney.  

Another first was that the Spencer and Sydney went parasailing....Bucket List item checked off for them.  

 They dipped them in the water....Spencer said the water was really cold.

On our last day I was up early enough to catch this breath taking view.  Feeling very blessed for all that God has done in our lives.  

Just a few pictures right outside our condo.  Loved our time there and hope to return in the future.

On our way home we decided to make the most of it and see part of this country that we normally would not get to see.  Our first stop was in Asheville, North Carolina at the Biltmore Estate.  If you have never been here, I would highly recommend you stopping by. This amazing home was built by one of the Vanderbilts.  

 Steve and I visited here when Spencer was a baby. One of the things I remember was getting ice cream.  So I treated them to ice cream once we were finished with the tour.

After we left North Carolina we drove to Tennessee and visited Andrew Jackson's home.  As we were driving along I looked down and realized that my gas light had come on.  I quickly decided to look to see how many miles I had left on that tank....the "cruising range". 

Yikes!!!!!!

We made it to the gas station and then on to The Hermitage. There truly was no comparison and  you could quickly tell that inventions truly inspired the Biltmore Estate.

  

This was the hottest day of our trip and Sam was finished by the end.  This was a fun history lesson for the kids.  

Just a little break from the car ride. 

While vacationing is fun, it's always nice to be home and sleep in your own bed.  We had an amazing time and made some great memories.  I did it.... I truly did it and I hope this a trip that my kids will remember.  But if I'm honest with myself....I truly would be ok with just being the packer....but since that is no longer an option....here's to many more fun filled adventures for this crazy crew.  

5 Years and still running.....

On Sunday we will gather for the 5th time to run in this man's honor.  I truly sit in amazement that it has been 5 years we have run this race.  There are days that it seems like 5 days or 5 months and there are days that it seems like 25 years... So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.  I look back at pictures from the first races and I have to smile...we all have made such progress, and grown so much in so many ways, he would be so proud.  I am constantly wondering what the purpose in losing him so young could be.... I know God has a plan for everyone....but I have struggled with why I would have been left a widow with 3 small children.  I sometimes struggle with what my purpose is here on earth, other than to be a mom to my three precious children.  But as I sit and think, I have to wonder if God's plan for me it to show people they can and will persevere in some of the most excruciating circumstances.  I don't always do it with grace because truly we don't know how to walk through fire we when are dealt are difficult hand.  There may not be grace, but I have and I will continue to keep walking and trying to find my way because I refuse to give into defeat.  Or maybe my purpose here is to show people that we can't do life alone, that we have to ask for help, that we have to swallow our pride.  I would not be where I am today without the help from so many.  It was so difficult for me to accept help and to reach out and ask for assistance from others, but truly this has grown me as a person.  Truly my purpose is to love and trust God through everything.....even the difficult moments.....so that others can see God working through me.   I fail at so many things, and I am a work in progress, but I do hope that I am making Him and him proud.  

Say a prayer for us this Sunday as we honor Steve again.  Pray for good weather as we have seen it all....rain hail, tornadoes, and sun. Looking forward to making many more memories.  Much love to all....

Some of my favorite pics from years past...

  

Steve's shoes always run with us.... For he will forever be with us

Boys need their dads.....

On April 12th Spencer will have his Eagle Court of Honor.  To say that I am proud doesn't even describe the feelings that I have.  But do you know what is missing?  This...

Steve lit a fire in Spencer and got him excited about scouting. Spencer has always loved being a scout.  When Steve passed away this was one of many areas that was uncharted waters for me. While I know that many of moms are very involved with Scouts, I was not one of them.  I was blessed by the many men and women that stood up and offered to help.  It was important to Spencer to continue with Scouts to honor his dad.  It was important to me for him to continue Scouts because I wanted him surrounded by good men.  Not to leave the women out here, but there is one thing that I have always known, and that is there are so many things that Spencer cannot learn from me....they are things he must learn from men.  Yes I think women are very capable of many of the same things that men are..... but let's face it...I can't teach him how to be a man, what a man is and what a man does.  I can only give him the perspective of what a woman would like in a man.  Steve had started this process with Spencer but it was cut too short.  How blessed I have been to have so many step in to help Spencer in this area.  

While I have many of friends that are single or only parents and we have done a good job raising our kids, there is not one out there that would disagree with me on the importance of having a strong male role model in their child's life. It truly baffles me when dad's make a choice not to be that positive role model in their child's life.  But yet I have also seen how the dad wants to be a part of their child's life and the woman becomes so controlling, angry and possessive that she uses the child as a pawn.  Does she not realize the damage she is doing to the child?  Dad's have a different type of relationship with their child than the mom does, different.... not wrong.  And if we step back and look at that relationship we will see how truly important it is for the child's over all well being.  Dad's show their sons how to interact with women, how to keep their aggressive impulses under control, and in short, how to get along with others in a way that is assertive, while not aggressive.   I guess this hits a little to close to home for me.  What Spencer would give for his dad to be at his ceremony... people lose perspective......death tends to help you put things into perspective.  Men who aren't active participants in their child's life, I don't get it. Women who become vengeful and use the children as pawns when the dad has been nothing but a good dad all their lives because you are bitter about how life has turned out... I don't get it... Set aside all your personal feelings and step back and look at what is best for the child.....swallow your pride and do what is right. 

God entrusted these three precious souls to Steve and I and when he passed away I was left with the challenge.  I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone.  I still continue to seek people to fill the voids and gaps that have been left.  We aren't meant to do life alone....and I feel very blessed for every person that has stepped up to help me with this journey.  It wasn't easy asking for help, but I had to do what I knew was in their best interest.  

So as April 12th approaches, I won't lie, there is a lump in my throat because of the man that won't be there.  But, I know that there are going to be many men that have played an integral part in helping Spencer become the amazing young man he is today. There will be uncles, grandpas, friends, former bosses, business partners, childhood friends, and many more.  What a blessing..... Thank you to each and everyone of you for stepping in and filling the gaps.  

Sydney's Golden Birthday

Thirteen years ago tonight I went to bed like any other night....only to be awoken in the middle of the night to some intense contractions. Sydney Leeann was ready to face the world. She has been a true blessing and I am so glad that God picked Steve and I to be her parents.  I look at her and I am in awe of her beauty...not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.  This kid is one of THE most compassionate people I know!

In honor of her Golden Birthday...13 on the 13th... here are 13 things I love about this beauty!

1.  Her laugh and her ability to make others laugh

2.  How sensitive she can be

3.  Yet tough when she needs to be...you should see her on the soccer field!

4.  Her passion for playing the violin.

5.  Her sense of adventure..this kid isn't afraid to try anything

6.  Her willingness to put herself out there and walk way knowing she did her best and learning along the way.

7.  Oh did I mention how compassionate she is???? 

8.  Speaking of compassionate...her love for Sam is unbeatable...the stories she has written about Sam are simply amazing!

9.  Her nostrils (sorry this is privy information to a select few)

10.  Her ability to keep perspective

11.  School is important to her and she always tries to do her best.  She truly is thirsty for knowledge. 

12.  Her sense of worry.... worry for me, worry for her brother....worry for those she cares about.  Her heart is HUGE!

13.  The innocence she has...sometimes sweet and other times it cracks us up


It's so hard to believe that when she wakes up in the morning she is going to be 13! I am so proud of her...proud beyond belief...I am her biggest cheerleader and she is mine at times when I need it.  Her spunk and goofiness always bring a smile to my face.  Sydney Leeann....you are a true blessing... Love you more than words can say!

He missed it.....

On Friday Spencer turned 16.... a day I was dreading and looking forward to all at the same time.  As with most parents, dread for the worry that will now accompany him every time he pulls out of the driveway, yet there is a good side as well.  As an only parent I have often had to rely on so many to help me get kids where they needed to be, now with another driver that should ease some.

Friday I found myself in tears on numerous occasions.  I had been warned by a friend that this day would be much more difficult than sending him off to kindergarten.  Boy howdy, she wasn't lying. Kindergarten was a breeze in comparison to what I felt on Friday.  I realize that every parent is probably emotional on the day their child drives away.  It signifies so much, it's what we wish for and hope for for our children, yet it is a new chapter that we must face in our lives.  God gave us these precious souls to bring up, to show them how to live independently, yet it hurts so much when they don't need us as much anymore.  For me, there were many more emotions for me.  Steve has been gone a little over 4 years.  We have had numerous holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings but this was truly the biggest milestone we have hit that he wasn't here to be a part of.  He didn't get to see the grin on Spencer's face when he walked in after taking his test to tell me he had passed.  He didn't get to hear the excitement in his voice when he was telling me about the test.  This was a HUGE day for me, but and even bigger day for Spencer and Steve missed it... and it hurts. But he was with us when Spencer in true Steve fashion asked to take a picture like he hadn't passed to send it to family and friends to only send the following picture to let them know it was a joke.

I am so happy for him, yet there is still a little bit of sadness as I watch my baby boy grow up.  Saturday morning he was just hanging out with me and said, "Mom, I know because we have lost dad that you worry more that something will happen to me." No 16 year old should have that weight on their shoulders, but unfortunately my son does.  He then went on to promise that he would text me when he got to his destination.  While I don't know how long this will last, I feel blessed that my son has the compassion to know that this is what I need in order to ease into this next phase of life.  

So Thursday is another HUGE milestone that will be very hard on me, maybe even harder than this one.... Spencer goes for his board of review and will more than likely become and Eagle Scout. Please understand that I love the scouting program and all that it has instilled in my son, but when Steve signed Spencer up for Scouts I told him that this was for him to do, that it was on his plate.  I guess the joke was on me....as it got added to my plate.  I am blessed by all the men and women who stepped up to help me with this challenge. The Boy Scout Program is an amazing program that has helped Spencer in so many ways, that I as a mom could not.  In his letter to his dad after his death, Spencer promised his dad he would get his Eagle.... and he is holding true to that promise.  Too many moments that I wish his dad were here for....

I miss him, and miss that he is missing so much.....He would be so proud.